What's it really all about?

[AlexEN]

Okay, and I know responding to my own post may not be proper DB board protocol, but what’s my point?

I am not entirely sure, other than that I think that in order to effectively co-parent my children in the future, and because I think it’s still too soon to tell what form friendiness may or may not take with W, I do know that the closest target, the one that says to do what’s right for the kids (@Mules’ “Strength and Honor”), is the one that needs my focus.

As paradoxically as it seems to me, as I’ve thought about this, I’ve come to the conclusion that, W and I have to work on communications and re-establishing some level of trust in each other purely on the face level – not because I want to manipulate her into coming back to our marriage, but simply because it is what is needed to co-parent the kids (and, in this sense, I think “need” is appropriate).

I want to convey this to W and that’s a tricky thing to do; as others have pointed out, while there’s a not-so-subtle distinction between making changes on the placating/convincing level as compared to, borrowing SP’s definition, the selfish level, we don’t know how what we say or write will be perceived.

How can I do this given where we stand?

But, before any of you answer, let me try to set the stage just a little bit more…

Many weeks ago, after a heated exchange, I sent an e-mail to W saying:

...even though I think you are being as I uncouthly (the term selfish bit$h was said, but with deep affection) described this morning, I forgot to mention the flipside...

You're still the best friend I've ever had... I will miss that.

Her response (which is tempting to parse, but doing so is irrelevant at this point):

I wish you didn't have to miss that. You're making me cry again. I know you don't believe it, but I would like for us to remain best friends. I know you don't trust me now, but I really am not a pathological liar. What I did felt it was out of self-preservation, and although that's not justifiable, it was what I had to do at the time. It's not a way of life for me, and I wish you would believe that.

My initial response was:

It isn’t hard to believe, but it doesn’t change that it is the way you chose to end our marriage. Perhaps time will make a difference but ending our marriage this way (by having an affair, lying about it, and refusing to work on our marriage) makes friendship, let alone BFFs, seem a lofty goal. (Obviously, I will try to always remain cordial, polite and civil toward you, and hope we will be able to work together to co-parent our children effectively). If, however, you had truly tried to work on the marriage (including meaningful counseling), and then if things still hadn't worked out, then yes, I thought we would always remain good friends, but friends just don't do the things we’ve done to each other and remain best friends.

*******

Lastly, we’ve talked about doing the New Beginning Workshop (it’s like Retrouvaille, but with less of a religious bent); and I realize, as @Thinker reminded another poster recently, should generally only be considered as a welcome step IF both parties are receptive to wanting to work on the marriage.

I think W thinks I’m still trying to save our marriage; as that was my motive when I originally suggested Retro or NB many months ago. Saving the marriage is no longer my goal, but I do think we can learn some valuable lessons from such a workshop for our next R but, just as importantly, learn some tools for communicating with each other in order to be better co-parents.

In that sense, while I have become ambivalent about saving our marriage, perhaps I AM being “manipulative”, because I cannot fathom how we can co-parent unless she, too, is willing AND able to work on communicating respectfully with each other. So, that is my real request of her.

And, I guess the real question to those in DB-Land is whether or not that is a question even worth asking at this point or is it akin to asking her to work on the marriage no matter how pure the motive may be?

Thanks,

AlexEN