Terrific job ((Julia)) of being that cool girl!!! Your H may be was uncomfortable being in the house because it brought back emotions he didn't want to deal with. And may be he didn't quite know how you would react. That's great that you were able to chat & make things comfortable. And .... he is willing to help you move the rest of your things!
Why is it that the WAS surround themselves with idiots?? lol
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
hang in there sweet thing!!! you are doing great!!! I hate moving and I always get crazy emotional, I can't imagine moving + moving husband out. Maybe part of the numbness might be just from dealing with moving....? I tend to numb/exhaust myself before transitions as a weird way of coping with them.
I loved the part about the two of you singing in the car
Sounds like he gave up quite a bit of time to move the joint stuff (?) and also his stuff and yours to go to your sisters, so he was pretty helpful and generous. Good that you got along, but I guess it may have felt a bit flat as he was holding himself in check a little, and you felt a bit unconfident.. I used to be the same, a bit cautious, not so natural as you would a good friend, so i understand and soudns like you handled it well anyway. Its a hard thing to have had to deal with, so well done!
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
It sounds like you did really well over a difficult weekend. Well done you! I wouldn't beat yourself up about not flirting with H. I think it can be difficult at the best of times, but especially under the stress of sorting out moving things it'd be impossible....
On the other hand, I'd also say not to be afraid of flirting. If you just do the physical things, like eye contact or a light touch on the arm etc a man will pick up on it if he wants to, but isn't so obvious that he would have to say something to you about it, or run away from you as a result. Don't be scared to try (I want to say that to you too T!). Keep experimenting!
I'm so excited that you and H spent so much time together and I love that you were singing together during the ride. I think that will remind him of your connection and the fun you had together. He'll definitely be thinking of it and remembering!
(((Kalni))) Thank you. I think you are so right about time. I know I will be ok and I knew this time would be hard.
(((Mishka))) thank you
(((MsM))) I don't know why they do and let themselves get influenced! I just tried to be consistent with what I have shown him over the past few months. It could have been so much worse and at least he is willing to help me again! Bonus!
(((T))) You are right, I do think the numbness was a coping mechanism! You would love London I think, so much music and culture! You should visit I prefer North London, not just because I am a North London girl which means I can't go South as there is North/ South snobbery although South London is lovely too, it also has the underground network. I shall post picture when I decide what area I will be in.
(((Ali))) You are right, he was holding himself in check, as was I, and I was not as confident as I would be in a normal situation. All my friends and family are really surprised at what we did, which I take as a good sign. Thank you for your encouragement.
(((Lisa))) The funny thing was I totally won over his sister's boyfriend. He even offered to come back and help me move! So funny! I was able to flirt with him but not h. I suppose I just am afraid of flirting with h; there are still some eggshells there. I hope that they will disappear with time. I really like that we spent time together too, and that he was open to last Friday, in fact he suggested it. Also, that it wasn't just face-to-face meal either and that we did stuff together. The car was great. The best part of the day. I really want to try and do more things like that, cinema, transport museum etc. I hope to be able to build up to that more.
Well, I am feeling a lot more positive today. There were some really good things yesterday that I looked over because it is easier to see the negatives - or they are felt more acutely.
I realised he doesn't hate the house; he was in escape mode when he had to do the packing. When he got to the house and we were having a bacon sandwich and he was playing with the cat he was fine and when we got back to the house his mood turned when he had to get his stuff together. He was always terrible at that kind of thing as he doesn't know how to approach it. I had to chuckle when I realised instead of packing he was playing around with the computer - exactly what he used to do! He was also awkward when his sisters boyfriend was here. I realised he was trying very hard to save face.
The car journey was really nice. He had something to focus on (the road!) which took pressure off him and that was when he relaxed and chatted. When we were face-to-face in the restaurant he got tongue tied and I asked him questions which relaxed him as he could answer them. The fact that we were relaxed in the car, chatting, singing, laughing and him playing percussion on the steering wheel, as he used to, was nice. Also, I was singing to myself downstairs while taking down a shelf and he was upstairs accompanying me was good. lol!
Another thing was we drove past a place and I reminisced about how I had been for a job interview there and got rejected and how horrible it made me feel. He tried to cheer me up by talking about my job now and asked how I got it. I reminded him - he saw it in the newspaper and brought it home for me. To me it is the fact that he found it for me which is special; to him he was impressed that I managed to get a job that was advertised in that paper as they are so popular. So that was a nice moment.
We laughed over my lack of sense of direction. It used to happen alot when we were together. We used to drive up the A1 road loads and that was the road we were on yesterday and I looked around and I didn't recognise it and could have sworn I'd never been on that road before and he chuckled a lot at me.
He was really into the cat, so much so that when his sister's boyfriend was round he was cooing over her looking out at the window at him and also showing his sister's boyf, who was totally uninterested, her scratching carpet!
We talked about what he wanted out of his new job and he said lots of responsibility. He was totally proud of getting it and I was encouraging and praising.
He realised how much work I had put into packing up the house and thanked me. Once he was here and engaged he was more focused on what he could do to help i.e. coming up one more day to collect the rest of his stuff and help me move my stuff also. He also expressed in his text that I should let him know if there was anything he could do to help me find somewhere. I think with him, that he has to see stuff to be engaged and the thing he is doing at the time gets all his attention to the exclusion of other things and most of the time that is work. If you try to pressure him he runs.
When we were talking about people at his work and he was talking about his boss who is married with kids but is totally in love with his secretary but wouldn't leave his wife because of cultural stuff. He said that his boss had been closely quizzing him about what he had said to his parents when he left me and he said he was totally honest with him. That was hard to not react to, I wanted to say 'you still haven't told me!!!' And then I thought that I really don't want to know but I thought it was strange that he felt comfortable enough to talk about that stuff with me. I just nodded acknowledged what he was saying; I had to hold my tongue but also didn't really know what to say.
Basically I think the take away is that if he is uncomfortable it isn't instigated by me anymore and he is no longer running from me.
I also realised that we have to get to know each other again and I think that is going to be key. It is like we both know each other so well but we need to bond over new things again - there is a lot more to discover if we are to bond again but I don't feel like that is impossible. I shall just have to work out how to do it.
Hmmm... eternal optimist or fool, I'm not sure. I'm prepared for all eventualities though. I'm excited about the future too in a new place.
So his boss is totally in love with his secretary? How cliche!!!
Other than him telling you about that, everything sounds very positive. You could establish a new R with him over time. If that is what you truly want, then more power to you girl! It seems as if there are parts of your life together that he truly misses...Mabel just being one aspect of that.
You are definitely not the source of his discomfort. He has created that all on his own.
You sound wonderful Julia!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Once again, I totally agree with mishka, your H is slowly realizing that you are not the source of his unhappiness. another brick has been taken down!! There were definitely a lot of positives in the time you spent together - that's great!!
I have been to London, only 2 days, not nearly long enough. I did have a very good time doing tourist things (Tower of London, Camden Market, Hyde park & Chinatown). We stayed by Kingscross (not sure were that is in London).
But anyway - Bravo on your progress!!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Oh Mishka I know, so cliche. I wanted to say to h that so long as he is obsessed with his secretary that of course he won't want to work on his marriage but I zipped it!
MsM, there were positives and also things that confused me but then i know I tend to over analyze. I go to kings Cross everyday as that is where my train gets in. Camden Market is the best. I love it. They have rebuilt lots of it since it caught on finre and although it is a little more commercial there is still some cool stuff there!
