KAW..as you so caringly(sp?) noticed that I had not been around for awhile, I too keep tabs!!I hope these are good signs..I was actually thinking about leaving the bb, but realized that it is ok to hang back, and know that when I need a shoulder there will be one here, so I am not ready to leave for good.
How is CAW doing? I know she has many ups and downs to deal with, and i continue to pray for you both, that the good times will be more frequent.
Thanks all for your interest in checking in on me over the last two weeks. Actually, the reason for not posting is as I had mentioned on LL's thread is I discovered I was getting sucked in by the negativity in my updates. Actually this thread has started off on the wrong foot as the title has a negative connotation to it, thereby countering all that I had been journalling in my last thread about "learning to dance in the minefield". (Thanks HUD for the Fred Astaire reference, but I actually have two left feet.)
So its back to keep dancing ... and avoid posting with those negative posts. So it may take a while to fill this thread ... just kidding! Well the most common question was - how's it going? Answer: So-so! for a while, but this week had gotten remarkably better altho CAW still is suffering from the symptoms of her ailments. Just last night she griped about now needing to make appointments to see three different doctors. She now getting concerned in the increased frequency of headaches and the swelling of her fingers in the evening. Nearly every nite this week she has had to take off her rings. Any one know what may cause this?
From Shiny:
Quote: Sorry to hear about your rebuff last night...good point by PNT...was she in that quasi-sleep state???
The next evening, I asked point blank, "Were you aware you yell at me last nite?" She chuckled, "Yea and I meant it too!" , then she went back to reading the paper and I dropped it. So that was that ... but it hasn't happened since and there's been a couple of oppurtunities for it .
Ooops ... just got paged by the boss ... to be continued ... whenever ...
I'm back ..... looks like the bb is having some technical difficulties ... lets see if I can finish this up before I have to meet CAW for dinner and before the bb goes down again...
From Sue:
Quote: Would you be ok if the r stays this way?? Does the good outweigh these bad times?
I feel like we are at the threshold. If we falter to continue at making OR better, the status quo is not enough continue to keep us together. I still sense she is still yearns for something else / more? and I'm getting more wearisome of the periods of the cold shoulder and distancing.
I've had plenty of practice excercising what I posted to kitti about how to stem the tide of the current episodes of coldness in order to find strength to continue on, but personally, it is getting harder to see it as a future rather than being my version of a fantasy.
Sheeesh! There I go again...
OK, quickly let me post something positive from this week. D18 has been hired to work as a cashier for CAW in the school cafeteria. This is a great oppurtunity for mother & daughter to heal some of those scars and bond ever closer.
Well did quite get to post all but if I stay any longer I'm gonna be late for my rendezvous to celebrate with CAW & D's 18 & 10.
I agree we mentally need a break from all the thinking we do and probably highlighting what isn't going right with our R, but I think this BB can be used as a brainstorming tool and sounding board. Where else do we have the luxury of being totall honest without it affecting our daily lives? And access to a wide diversity of people with different backgrounds than ours?
Often we talk about experiment and monitor results and 180s. Is there something small or different you can be doing each day to see if that can elicit a postive result from CAW?
Of course I love Sage's three postivites a day. If you say three good things about CAW as you pulled in the driveway each night, would that have an impact on your mood for the evening and the interactions following?
popped in to say Hi, not much to add, not been posting much myself, I do think about the future or fantasy thoughts but when I see my w and how unhappy she is the compassion for her wins out and I quit feeling sorry for myself. Hang in there buddy
Way back in May you had replied to my post on trust vs. forgiveness. you had given me great advise to take a break and do something for myself. Long over due thanks for that advise.
Glad to hear things improving for you! And I completely understand how negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts. It can get like a run away steam engine. But I also see it has a defensive mechanism. Could it be all the negatives are a way for us to proceed with caution? If this is true than we can acknowlege the negatives and than hopefully begin looking for the positives.
For me the hardest part is trusting all the positive to be true.
This board is become as busy as "Newcomers"! Come back to work from another three day weekend and there's a page and a half of unread posts! I remember when I would come back and there were only five or six threads that were updated. I guess the greatly increased activity here is a testiment to more and more people by applying Michelle's Dbingare able to save their M's from the brink of disaster.
Thanks Jackie & darkblue for the support. Jackie, to answer question about about small 180's to get a different response form CAW, honestly I running out of 180's to try. See below for a prime example...
bumbling, nice to hear from you again after your all too short a stay here back in May! Hope you are doing well. Are you still "piecing"? If so, I hope things between your H and you are getting better.
I just read a post from Shiny praising this bb a unlimitless resource towards coming up with solutions that can for nearly any situation. I think I need to tap into that here for I'm stumped with this one.
Over the months I have learn to hold my expectations based on "baby steps" she has made in check and have been pretty successful in avoid any resentment on my part from those expectations ... but now, CAW has been setting up expectations and then as the last minute backs out, making me (and others including D10, so I'm not taking it personally) feel like I'm left in a lurch. It usually nothing big, like asking if stew sounds good for dinner tonight, then about an half hour before meal time telling me she decided not to make dinner and to fend for myself. Mentions a week or so before, we ought to go to some event, it would be fun ... only to change her mind the day of. Most say don't sweat the small stuff and if it was every once in a while, that's fine ... but recently, there's some expectation she sets up nearly every other day that she then backs down. I guess another word for it as frequent as she is doing it is that she is turning into a tease, altho she does take offense to that and doesn't see it that way.
So now there's two points of trepidation I'm looking to eliminate. First comes when she sets up the expectation. At first I would act "as-if" we should go for it, which often then leads to disappointment. Now my "knee-jerk" thought becomes "Yea, right, that's not likely to happen", so then I mostly remain slilent which doesn't go over to well as-if she is seems to be looking for some kind of affirmation when she mentions it. Its a catch-22 I haven't found a work around yet and its starting to get to me big time.
The second part is when at the last minute she changes her mind, which BTW she takes quite literally as a woman's purgative to be practiced whenever she wants.
Been trying to let this go, not to sweat it, but when it occurs as often as it has been lately ... it doesn't work and it also affect D10 too and my heart breaks whenever she is let down by her mom.
Any suggestions? What way is there to act "as-if", when she brings up something and doesn't follow thru (multiple pun intended here!) ? I'm hoping you swell folks here can help me out with this one?
I feel for you, CAW sounds sooo like me, oh my god!! I haven't followed your switch from the beginning so not sure if she's always been like this either.
Quote: The second part is when at the last minute she changes her mind, which BTW she takes quite literally as a woman's purgative to be practiced whenever she wants.
And, this is what I would say to H after I had drive him mad by my constant mind changing. I commit to something becuase it sounds really good at the time I'm told about it so I would say yeah let go and then change my mind at the last minute, and I did this with my friends, also. It got to be a joke, you can't count on Cathy until you see at the event. You know the more I think about it, sometimes it's more like thinking out loud. I shouldn't do it, but I do. I catch myself doing it with my little guy, you know saying stuff like we should go to the zoo tomorrow or we should do this on the weekend and then I never follow through with him on things. He's not noticing at this point, I don't think. I am trying to change this so that son doesn't grow up with constant disappointment--meaning not saying anything unless I'm sure I'm going to do what I say. I know this was a huge problem with my H, also.
Oh my gosh she is soo much like me, if my friends would read this they would assume you were talking about me!! I know this doesn't help, but just wanted you to know that there are other people out there who can't follow through on thier commitments.
Thnaks for popping by by thread. I dont have any great suggestions for this. I guess was she like this before and is this just 'back to normal'.
At the risk of getting much ire I can relate to the 'It is a womans perogative to change her mind' comment . I have heard that one a fair bit. But hey she has alwaus been like that and I accept it.
I have a couple of times when she has done this just continued with what was initially planned, enjoyed it and come home to someone that then wished they had also gone.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
I would have so that if she says that she wants to go and see a movie one friday night. At 7:00 she changes her mind you go anyway. Then go and see somthing fun. If you can get intouch with a friend and have them go with you. If it is somthing like a family event. Leave her home and have a great time with D.
Actually, the reason for not posting is as I had mentioned on LL's thread is I discovered I was getting sucked in by the negativity in my updates. Actually this thread has started off on the wrong foot as the title has a negative connotation to it, thereby countering all that I had been journalling in my last thread about "learning to dance in the minefield". (Thanks HUD for the Fred Astaire reference, but I actually have two left feet.) 
, then she went back to reading the paper and I dropped it. So that was that ... but it hasn't happened since and there's been a couple of oppurtunities for it 
Hope you are doing well. Are you still "piecing"? If so, I hope things between your H and you are getting better.
Mentions a week or so before, we ought to go to some event, it would be fun ... only to change her mind the day of. Most say don't sweat the small stuff and if it was every once in a while, that's fine ... but recently, there's some expectation she sets up nearly every other day that she then backs down. I guess another word for it as frequent as she is doing it is that she is turning into a tease, altho she does take offense to that and doesn't see it that way.