I'm concerned not only about the potential damage to my self-respect but also the preservation of any feelings for my wife when her EA is either over or we separate/divorce, because at some point, she is going to need my compassion, one way or the other.
Hi BigJohn,
Sorry, I am feeling pretty direct and to the point this morning, so this is going to come across as a bit of a 2x4. ------
Detach
Detach
Detach
You are not your Marriage! You do not need your wife for her affection or affirmation or love or for your own self esteem.
Love Yourself. Take care of yourself. Respect Yourself.
If you don't, then there is not anything you can do for your family or your W.
I know, I was there, and in many ways still am.
Believe me.
To your W, the romantic relationship is dead. You need to accept and believe that it is. There may in the future be a chance to rebuild a new R with your W, but don't focus on that.
What do you need to be happy. If your first answer is "A R with my W" or "A R with a woman" then stop and rethink that. You can't have the R you want until you are happy without it.
You can't control you W. If she wants to proceed with the A, she will. Nothing you can do can stop it. The only person who can stop it is your W, and she has to make that decision all on her own.
Note that this does not mean letting her walk all over you. Set your boundaries. Don't just allow her to spend family $ to pursue the W. Don't let her drag the kids into the mess.
Once you have 1) made sure your wife knows you don't support her EA and 2) set the boundaries you need to be able to respect yourself, then focus on yourself.
What do you need to be happy? What are you not focusing on because you are obsessed with her EA? What have you been not doing for yourself for the past years? What don't you like about yourself? What do you need in order to be independent from your W? What are your biggest fears and limitations? Are you the best dad you could be? Did you do things wrong in this R that you want to make sure you don't do in the next one (with your W or otherwise...)
Take a good look, then get to work - on yourself.
It's painful! It's Hard! I know.
You can do it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
