WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Just some quick thoughts.

I didnt like the comment your WAW made about "first you lost your family now your job.." Not a good mind set for her. She now sounds more final then before. I agree with your friends about spending time as a family. I dont think that part is working for her. I think she is still "cake eating". I think she comes closer to you when you are more distant.

I also agree with you about your WAW's selfishness. It is very selfish to make a decision that you are not happy and want to walk away from the family. Some situations are bad (Abuse, infidelity, etc...) but unless the communication was there and counseling has been addressed I definitely agree S and D should be the LAST option. Unfortunately in today's INSTANT GRATIFICATION society it's sometimes the first option. Im NOT happy so it must be my marriage. First you need to look in the mirror before you blame it on something else. I think she's played the victim card for TOO long now and it's TIME you just go dark and let her finalize things if that's what she needs to do. She is definitely sending YOU mixed messages and YOUR kids. In other words "Put up or shut up..." She is just playing games IMP.

Im hoping if you give her more space she will truly see what she is doing.

PMA

PMA_Baby!

I know my situation sounds final when hearing her words. About 3 weeks ago, she had called crying and saying the same things she had said back on 1/9/09 when she dropped the I filed for divorce bomb. She kept harping on how she does want to be my wife any more since she can't trust me with her feelings to be vulnerable with me anymore.

Up to that point, I had been trying Dark (albeit pretty poorly). I never contacted her and the only interactions we would have, she would initiate. But when we did have contact, I acted like a cold jerk because I was trying to stay dark, even when we were together.

About a week or so before that crying call, I learned that when we are together, I shouldn't remain dark. I shouldn't act needy but should act like the best CIPA I can be - warm, friendly, attentive, caring and upbeat. Up till that point, most of our interactions had been around our 3 year old's baseball game. Those games ended 3 weeks ago, just before she called crying saying that she still doesn't want to be wife.

We hadn't seen each other much for the week after that. We communicated a few times (phone, emails, text) where she initiated contact. That's when I tried to be the best CIPA I could be during those interactons. A week ago Sat, she needed someone to take her to her doctor (she was in so much pain that she couldn't drive), so I took her. On Monday, when I lost my job, we spent several hours together, but she started by saying that this didn't change anything between us.

She called Friday nite crying saying she missed the kids as I had them all week since she wasn't feeling well. The she said she was sad and didn't know what she wanted (it may have been hormone related as it was that time of the month for her). Later that Friday nite, we talked again, she had gathered herself and didn't mention anything about her comment about being sad and didn't know what she wanted. Then we spent a lot of time together this past weekend with the kids after

It was on Sat, the day before Father's day is when she had said the comment of how she was/is really worried about me as it was so much to handle, losing the family and now my job. I know she was/is worried about my depression and/or me doing something stupid.

So, for the past 3-4 weeks, I've been trying the friendly route when she calls or we're together. Soccer starts in a couple of weeks for my 7 year old so we'll be together 2 nites/week for that. I'm worried how my job loss will affect this situation. But it happened, so I just need to make the best of it.

The one silver lining is that I will get to spend a lot of time with my boys this summer.

I'll continue to give her space and hope for the best. In the mean while, I will focus on my kids and finding a job and on me.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts

CIPA