I just received an asnwer to my email for those following. It's a page long and mostly responds to the points I made but also shares his feelings. He starts with :
I am lost and mostly tired, very tired. And I want you to know that you are the ONLY person that gets thru to me and affects my thinking. Nobody else, has this influence on me. And I feel lost exaclty because I hear what you are telling me and take it very serioulsy-(in my email I said I am not quite sure he even reads what I write to him since I never get a respond).
He says that because he "hears" what I am saying he feels miserable. If me and the kids didnt exist in his life he wouldnt mind working and only working so much. But he cares about me and the kids more than anything even though he doesnt seem capable to show it. He says he feels already that the 2 years lost from our lives are too much time and clarifies that even if I think he only means the kids, he is talking about me also, he just happens to be "crazy about his kids" and that is what sticks out that I see.
He apologised about "the high quality living standards" remark of his and said he understands why I may have felt insulted by it.
He talks about his jobs and how he is stuck in this "2 jobs means security" mode. He says he cant take this anymore. That he started this 18 hours days when he moved out and that that was not a coincidence. (I remember posting that to someone the other day, I think in newcomers Aj, maybe?)He says it is not ambition but job security that makes him get stuck.
He insists he thinks time is our only enemy and that no matter what would happen, time is THE significant factor (suprisingly he talks as if it is too late now, first telling me how important I am to him and then saying this... I dont know, maybe I read it wrongly..).
He ends with "I know I have f@cked up and only I can unf@ck it with time. Every now & then I am ready to quit and something happens and I go back to -better have 2 jobs-. But let me tell you something, I cant do this anymore. It isnt possible. It's not possible that you guys go to the beach and me being "virtually present" thru calls, I cant answer to our S when he asks, "dad it is Sunday, you are working again?". I cant believe he is almost 8 and I cant do something for him (and her of course). Simple things. Such as taking to his classes or out to play".
And this is how it ends. So, after ALL the talks, the emails etc etc, what DID matter to him was a day like yesterday where I just didnt wait up for him (btw, it was lovely at the beach).
Dont know what to make of this. I have heard things like it before but never in detail and he realy seems to get that unless he changes his routine, he is missing out on the kids and his life.
I am not sure what to respond. Maybe with a "just quit and get busy living, you are ruled by FEAR". You know H IS a very well respected sports journalist here. He really has no reason to worry. I rspect him as a professinal alot and I know others do also. But, who am I to judge? It's his life and I am not taking the resposnsibility of his choices. K
