WAW seems to be a but more affectionate these past two days. Need to be careful in these times. We talked about maybe getting a baby sitter this weekend and having dinner. I have approached it as just two friends spending a little time together. She has not brought up any matters related to the logistics of separation, moving out, etc. for a week or so.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
"thought about tomorrow and would rather you cancel the baby-sitter. well that is what I wanted in the first place, I just wasn't honest about it. i think you should go, normally you would go w/o me anyway."
I should have known, even though this came up organically, that this would happen. We just talked on the phone, and I said I just thought it was 2 people hanging out a little. She said it made her angry I am doing this now and not before, etc. I said I can't help it if I act different now, I am doing things differently for me and to make things better for all my relationships; and even then whether my next relationship is with you or someone else, things are going to be different next time around.
Sucks, I should have seen this coming but I will roll with it.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Not exactly that cool, but close. She came back later with "fine, let's go" kind of thing. Shoot girl, it is just going to get something to eat and drink!
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
My weekend was a good one. Our Sat night out went well. We had a nice time, talking and acting like things used to be. Sunday was good too. WAW and S and I spent time at the park playing and enjoying a nice day. WAW and S later went to her boss's place for a work BBQ and I did some GAL stuff.
Today, however, did not start well. WAW caught me looking at her cell phone, as I heard txt come in late and got insecure. Catching me got her fired up, saying this shows the weekend behavior was an act and she can't trust me. I didn't argue but the whole thing evolved into a "big picture" talk. It was very confusing because on one hand, WAW was doing usual script about wanting the D and me being an a$$ but on the other she also said things about being frustrated she can't leave. She was all over the place, mostly untrusting.
This isn't a major setback, I don't think. Just need to keep my actions in check. She clearly has trust issues, so I don't think snooping does any good. Done with that. She still needs a lot of room to breath.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
That's right. Good recovery. Okay, I'm an a**, I was freaked out. You busted me.
Snooping is risky. I did it and got busted and it precipitated a major explosion -- later WAW said (and I believe her) that had she had a gun she would have shot me.
Yet last night, when she was subtly trying to revise the last 4 months (since Bomb), I called her out -- no, no, that's not why you X -- and SHE was busted. And the only reason I knew X was because I'd snooped. She pointed that out, but the basic reality is that despite having been caught, she knows she has to play it straight(er) than she might otherwise have done.
Another question - came up in the talking this morning. She said something along the lines of "even if I did take you back, hypotheticaly, it would suck because I would lose friends that I have told about the stuff that went down, and they would lose respect for me if I just went back to you."
What does one say to that? I said something like "I understand your feelings there, but I think your real friends would support you either way."
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I would say "It sounds like you have some tough decisions to make. We both do."
As you probably know, I'm a big proponent of "snooping" in certain circumstances. I've never seen a recovery yet that STUCK that didn't have as part of it a good no-contact/transparency plan, and the fact that she is so defensive about it tells me all I need to know about her contact.
She said something along the lines of "even if I did take you back, hypotheticaly, it would suck because I would lose friends that I have told about the stuff that went down, and they would lose respect for me if I just went back to you."
This is both a problem and an opportunity for you, in my opinion. The way she's framed it indicates to me that she's holding ALL the power here (or at least, she PERCEIVES that she does, which for all practical purposes is the same thing). However, the fact that she's ASKING it is also a "buying sign." Sort of like a customer saying to the car salesman "Well, if we WERE to buy the car today, how soon could we take delivery?"
She needs to know that you BOTH have some decisions to make, and that she is not the only one here who does.
She is indeed defensive, and she tries to turn it on me as well as say "I know you lie to me and don't tell me things. I know you talked to So-and-So, and she used to be your girlfriend." So there is no doubt she is touchy and defensive and trying to turn it around, but she is also without trust for me. I responded by saying I was willing to be 100% transparent and not contact So-and-So if we reconciled or as a step to do so. Not much of a response from her on that offer.
As for the other part, I too felt this seemed like both a problem and an opportunity. Just don’t know how to seize on the opportunity part. She has dropped some hints like this before. She made a comment about separation not meaning divorce as well, so what that tells me is I need to back off big time and give more space within the sitch now, hard as it is with living together and all.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
