I just wanted to say thank you for checking in on me the other day. I hold your words, and those of the other caring people who have helped me, close to my heart and refer to them often.
minnie ... your welcome ... glad I was able to help in some small way.
TGIF!
OK, I have to post this!
On Wednesday, D10 was off on a three day class trip. Tuesday at the diner table, CAW tells me, we have a date for Thursday evening! Can't remember the last time CAW planned an eveining for just us!
Wednesday evening after coming home from installing some software on D18's computer, CAW was in bed and wasn't feeling well, but wanted me to watch TV beside her as she dozed off. It was almost midnight when I decided to turn off the TV and settle in for the night, when she woke up and got fiskie!
Thursday afternoon, CAW called to say school inform her that D10 would need to be picked up at school at 7:30pm because of impending bad weather from hurricane Isabel ... putting a crimp on the date. I said we still had time to go out for diner and told her I would pick her up. Traffic was gridlocked so I called CAW to ask if she would meet me a the restaurant to save some time. We arrived there at the same time and had a nice meal and conversation. Towards the end, she said something wierd. She said the way we met for dinner made it feel like we were having a secret rendezvous and started playing the role with seductive gestures. We left the restaurtant and I followed her home. In the driveway, I mentioned how I got a sense of the secret rendezvous when she pulled out of the parking lot in a rental car with an out of state license plate as if she crossed state lines to meet with me and then I followed her to a more secluded place ... but it was then time to pick up D10 so we both hopped back into her rental car. We sat at one of the picnic tables on school grounds waiting for the buses to show. I put my arm around her and quipped how romantic is was to sit under the stars even if there were clouds hiding them. She placed her head on my shoulder as we waited.
When we got home and settled D10 in and readied for bed. CAW started to act seductively. Said she was not ready for date to be over and went back into playing the "fantasy(?)" of the secret rendezvous and that now that we were back at my place wanted to "make out". I think you folks can figure it out from there ...
On CAW's part, this was very assertive for her which did surprise me.
I hesitant to mention it, but I feel I need to be open here about this, because I need to work thru my crappy thoughts ... but as we laid there afterwards, she seem to stare off with a solemn expression, which got me thinking if she was trying to recreate what she felt with OM? <sigh> Having this sh*t pop into my head really does suck!!! ... but I won't entertain this any further! Just was wondering if anyone knows of a way to make them disappear?
I didn't have these thoughts when we started piecing last year and are no doubt a repercussion of reading those earlier journal entries and now I'm paying the price with my own self-torment.
In the middle of the night, CAW woke me up having a major panic attack ... first time in over a month which didn't help quell my internal thoughts any.
Then this morning when I asked how she was feeling she said alright. Was caught totally offguard by the attack and don't what brought it on ... saying, "I was feeling great last night and went to sleep with a smile on my face." I wish I saw it.
Looks like I need to do some major acting "as-if" here ...
Interesting...as always, I like to throw things out for consideration, but they are just ideas....
If she said she went to sleep with a smile on her face, believe it. She FELT good about your "rendesvous"....
Perhaps on an unconscious level the whole role=playing thing triggered some echo from the past which triggered both the "solemn look" you caught and the panic attack.
Or it could be that now that she IS having needs met and feeling more IN your M, there's a part of her that's afraid...the part that's been trying to convince her that only the OG could make her feel loved "that way"???
Sometimes KAW, panic attacks just happen out of the blue.
It's probably best not to dwell on it, and just move forward...things DO look good right now.
Work with the facts, work with what she said to you, not all the suppositions that are just a vicious cycle. The evening sounds romantic and fun, concentrate on that. Negative thoughts will start a vicious cycle, she will pick up on them, break the cycle now and enjoy your successes.
Not much time at work lately but to lurk around a bit here.
Have a couple of minutes before calling it a day, so just enough time to say ... It's going OK ... not much to report ... Monday was the first time in weeks that CAW mentioned she felt "blue". That would usually last 2-3 days, but this time seem to last only a day.
I've been thinking ... Uh! Oh! ... for two years now, in the months of March thru June, CAW pushes herself away from M and during the second half of the year she pulls herself back in ... so I've been feeling that I won't be convinced if she is in this for real this time until next Spring arrives. That's a long time to "act "as-if" and wait to see if it will be different this time, but I feel that's all I can do!? So I don't know how much I will really be update in the coming months?...
As I lurked this week, I've been reading about the bb addiction or getting to the point in the M where the people here tend to fade away, like jethro for instance. When I first came to "Piecing" I was naive enough to mention a couple of time that I didn't think I would be here for too long. So as a 180, I figure I would express how long I feel it would take for me to really be convinced this M is going to work. It gonna take to next June to know whether or not the cycle is broken.
Today, it probably not the best of days for me to debate this. After a two week high, last I hit bottom again. CAW was quiet, distant, non-affectionate, basically the cold shoulder again and I don't know why. CAW like the keep the bedroom windows open at night and it got chilly last night, so I attempt to snuggle in close to keep warm and she literally pushed me away and yelled at me! That never happend before and was totally unexpected. So what the he!!?...
... of course, I'm hoping to get to the point where you can tell me, "I TOLD YOU SO!"
talitsa, that's exacting what runs thru my mind most of the time!
Tuesday at the diner table, CAW tells me, we have a date for Thursday evening! 
Can't remember the last time CAW planned an eveining for just us! 
I said we still had time to go out for diner and told her I would pick her up. Traffic was gridlocked so I called CAW to ask if she would meet me a the restaurant to save some time. We arrived there at the same time and had a nice meal and conversation. Towards the end, she said something wierd. She said the way we met for dinner made it feel like we were having a secret rendezvous 
and started playing the role with seductive gestures. We left the restaurtant and I followed her home. In the driveway, I mentioned how I got a sense of the secret rendezvous when she pulled out of the parking lot in a rental car with an out of state license plate as if she crossed state lines to meet with me and then I followed her to a more secluded place ... but it was then time to pick up D10 so we both hopped back into her rental car. We sat at one of the picnic tables on school grounds waiting for the buses to show. I put my arm around her and quipped how romantic is was to sit under the stars even if there were clouds hiding them. She placed her head on my shoulder as we waited.
<sigh> Having this sh*t pop into my head really does suck!!! ... but I won't entertain this any further! Just was wondering if anyone knows of a way to make them disappear? 
