It concerns me that you are seeing the technique of "detaching" as an option to choose whereas it really is the only thing to do if you are going to survive your W's A, or if this R stands a chance. I don't think you get it.... really, that you can not fix her. I believe that is the first step Big John has to make in this stitch! Back off and leave her alone and stop interfering. Yes, that is exactly what I said b/c you see......that is how your W sees you in her life. She sees you trying to control her and interfer with "her" life. The WAS becomes very self-centered and therefore the LBS must become self-centered to a degree or he/she will not survive this crises.
I do not understand why so many people know about her A. Who told the kids, relatives, and friends? The more people who are informed and are offering their suggestions to your W, the worse it will make the stitch. If she is openly flaunting the A, then the kids and family have a right to know, but if it is an EA and has a chance of disolving before going to the next level, .......well no point in going there b/c they "do" know already so need to deal with facts here.
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(My wife is normally a passive person- this was out of character for her.
This is the other fact of life you must accept. She is not the same person as you have known all these years! She will not think, feel, or react the way she normally would. If you continue to think of her as being her normal self, you only sit yourself up for a bad situation. You have to stop it! You have to think of her as a stranger b/c you don't know how she is feeling and you sure don't know what to expect from her.
It is obvious by what she said to you that you are applying pressure b/c you are still pursuing (trying to fix) her and she is resisting it......and the more you press her....the farther she will run from you. Don't you see that? Listen, I saw a lot of posts from LBS on your other thread, and that is good, but you need to listen to us WAW's if you want to know how she feels in her gut right now. "This" almost WAW is telling you that if you do not drop the rope and leave her alone.....you've lost her for good.
I have the most loving man in the world, but when I was in an EA....."I" was not the only person who changed. I saw my H become somebody I never had seen before. I did not like him at all. He pursued and pressured and shamed me until I was ready to leave for that reason only......even if there had not been OM. When he finally stopped and left me alone, then I was able to do what I needed to do about the EA.
One other thing......about your son hitting your W. Do not stand for that. I don't care if she has slept with half the town! He has no right to hit his mother. She is still his mother regardless of what she has done. If he doesn't want to be around her and stays away, that's different, but he has no authority over her and you should not allow him to hit her. What if it had been some other man who hit her, would you have let that go? (Maybe you didn't and I missed it.) I'm just saying that LBH's can allow their pride and their anger to play out in ways that harm the M. People have different opinions about "exposing" the A.....and obviously in this case, it is too late about that. So, that will be another problem to add to the stitch and even if you and W work things out and reconcile, where does that leave her with her children? When the relatives and friends get together, how will the two of you feel? Won't it be uncomfortable wonder if other people's minds are on the A and "judging" her? If it were me in her position, I would want to run away from you, the kids and everyone that knows my intimate life. (Now that is how a WAW feels.) Not only does more people knowing about the A put pressure on her, but everything they say or "act" in some way to her to let her know their opinion of her.......the less chance your M can survive this stitch. You may not see her as "worthy" of protection b/c she got herself into this mess, but if you do not put an end to the way the son is treating her (and everyone else who is showing bad treatment) then you can wave good-bye to her. In a weird way, she still thinks you should protect her from those friends and family who would mistreat her. You detaching from her does not stop your responsibility as her H in taking care of basic things, like providing food, shelter, clothes, medicine, protection, etc. The "detaching" is the emotional and intimate R. You never appear to be angry, sulled, cold, etc. You maintain a positive outlook about your life. Don't act giddy or stupid trying to be upbeat......just be the opposite of what you probably feel right now.
I think what your son said to his mother is just awful! I hope you will stop that from happening again with him or anybody else that would treat her in that manner. Regardless of how you feel toward her at this moment, it is digging the M grave deeper by you not stepping up to protect her. This is not the same as "fixing" the R between you and her. This is completely different in the way "she" sees it. If you were there when it happen, and "if" you did nothing when the son treated her like that........then she lost a great deal of respect for you. I know, I know.......I know all the arguments about respect toward her, etc. But, I'm trying to tell you the POV from the WAW and if you want this M saved, then you have to listen to that POV.
I'll talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
