Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

Well Big John.....did I blow you out of the pool?

No Sandi, not at all. Thanks for the feedback. I agree that detaching in my sitch is probably the best move to make, that and "dropping the rope". I will work on those two objectives.
For now, a little update:

Last Friday night, just my wife and D3 were home, so we went out to dinner. Almost immediately, W tries and succeeds in baiting me into an argument. Details aren't important, other than she demonstrated a real coldness towards my feelings. During the argument, she disclosed plans to travel out of state near the end of August to visit her parents with the kids for two weeks. She disclosed that she planned to go on "dates" with the OM while there. This led to objections from me, followed by the fact that we really can't afford her to take this vacation (which is true), to the fact that this whole affair is affecting my job performance (if I lose my job we will be screwed big time), that our savings continues to dwindle while she remains underemployed, etc. She just acted like she doesn't give a damn about any of it- it is collectively "my problem".

Later into the R talk, which dealt with the financial implications of divorce along with the impact it will have on the kids, she told me "Don't you get it? I've told you ten times before that it's over, our marriage is over for good, you just can't seem to accept it." She reiterated her anger with me over contact I had initially with her parents about a month and a half ago regarding our problems- I know, not good, but at the time I did not have a handle on my emotions and was truly looking for emotional support- and accused me of "kissing a**". She also told me that her mother- who was originally very supportive and upset over my W's EA- has now come around to my W's view that the EA is "not really an affair", that I'm unfairly characterizing the EA as an affair (a real affair is a PA) and am basically acting like a jerk for suggesting it. (BTW, I have not had any further contact with my MIL since.) Further, her mother now supports her coming home for a vacation and doesn't think that it's going to be a problem even though OM lives 10 minutes from my in-laws house. Unbelieveable.

Add to this other evidence that several members of my wife's family (some of whom I have not spoken to since the EA began) seem to now be joining my wife in derisively speaking about my feelings and sincerity behind my back really is getting me discouraged. (BTW, I should mention that there are 7 kids in my wife's family, 5 of whom have been married already and 3 of those who have been divorced. My wife will/may be the 4th child to divorce.) So to use Dr. Harley's terminology, the "friends of our marriage" may be starting to dwindle right now, including people on my side of the family.

Adding to all of this is the fact that my two sons, particularly my younger son, are really starting to get negatively impacted by the dynamics of the sitch. Most recently, while I was out of the house, my son hit my wife, told her he was angry with her for "cheating on Daddy" and "wanting to break up the family". My son further told my wife that he wanted to kill her with a knife while she slept to which my W responded by cracking him in the face with a towel. (My wife is normally a passive person- this was out of character for her. Apparently my son had overheard an earlier argument between my W and I). So I am really getting concerned for my sons and will be taking them with me to counseling this week.

At the end of the above R conversation, my W told me that she had determined that she could not bear going without contact with the OM for more than two weeks without constantly pining for him, viewing him as "perfect" and wanting him more than anything else in the world. She further stated that she had discovered that by having brief daily contact with the OM, she could "regulate" her feelings for him and see some of his flaws. No, she doesn't see this as a problem, or indicative of an addictive habit/behavior- despite the fact that she is an RN by profession. And no, she refuses to stop all contact with the OM.

Several members of my family are concerned about the impact my sitch is having on my job and more importantly on my kids. They were originally somewhat supportive of my DBing, however given the above feel that it is becoming more unrealistic. They are encouraging me to go on the offensive and gain control of the sitch before things get further out of hand and no, I'm not talking about just establishing some concrete boundaries with my wife. Looking for some feedback regarding the above. Sandi your thoughts?