Why are you allowing this child to jerk you around? Yeah, that's harsh, and I am wondering why you chose someone so young.
You admit that she is young and then went on to qualify this by saying she's already lived a hell of a life. So? Nowhere did I get the impression that in spite of her age, you feel she is mature. Are you one of those men who need to rescue the damsel in distress?
The problems she has are not your fault and are certainly not something that you can fix. Have you considered going pitch black? You don't have kids, she moved a hundred miles or more away from you, stands you up all the time, plays mind games, etc.
I think Puppy had the right idea. Kick her to the curb and find a woman who is ready for a mature, loving relationship.
hi kimmie,
thank you for your POV. so you're saying,
1. since i've already went completely dark once, started to rebuild and regain her friendship and trust, i should now again go completely dark on her.
2. since she has completely stopped contact w/ OM from 1 yr ago, it's been over a week since she txtd him, she's still eating cake and ....?
3. her getting sick and then telling me, is somehow her way of saying it's my fault, although she said she's been miserable since she left and i never told her anything of the sort back?
4. stood me up once before this and then i told her to turn around after she had already driven about 45 mins to come here because of a tornado storm, qualifies as her standing me up all the time. also she let me know the first time she wasn't coming a few hours before she was going to leave. that's how i knew to go out to dinner and the movie which cascaded into me having a "date."
5. Give up on someone who has began to express feelings that she hasn't for a few months, with the exception of the end of MAY, and go find someone else to be with.
did i understand that all correctly?
And as for her maturity, do i believe she is mature? i believe she has many VERY mature qualities for a 21yo. I know 43yo's who are less mature in everything that they do then her. Was i mature in my first M? not really. I was confused and that was my fault and it failed not for a lack of me trying to work on it. and i'm glad it didn't because i never would have met my current W.
Is she responsible 100% of the time? no. Am i responsible 100% of the time? absolutely not.
then i finally asked myself, did she need rescuing when i first met her? not really. did we grow into some extreme case of codependency over the years? absolutely. hind sight is 20/20, and i know where i veered off the road in my current R. I believe this gives me the first hand knowledge i need to get back on track when and if gates begin to open for me, like they have the last 3 or 4 days.
and on the final note, why did i choose someone so young? i can't relate to women my age. still even til this day. then there are other 21 to 24 yo females that i see every nite at work that i could in no possible way relate to either. my W, i always could including when we first met and even now in our current sitch. i was in her place once. i looked for an escape at first from my 1st marriage. then realized i was being an idiot and gave it another go. i can honestly say i tried less then whole-heartedly my first time. i love my W and she is slowly showing me she might be worth holding out for as far as a R is concerned.
But this time around, i'm in the OP's seat, the LBS. i know she's confused. i know she's hurt. i know she's miserable. There's nothing i can do about it. what could i do?
but when she is in true need, i'm not going to stop being a best friend to someone i do consider MY BEST FRIEND. i'm not a martyr anymore. i used to act like one at times during our R, but i don't now. i'm learning to set boundaries, but going dark/black on her, especially when she is having medical problems? that feels wrong and heartless to me. THAT would be violating my own sense of "right." i can't do that and will NOT do that.
watching her phone records for the past week, she really hasnt' done anything wrong herself. most of the time people call her, her conversations are very short. she hasn't texted much since the initial week she's left. i see positives all around in her behavior. and if i do see something strange, do you know how much it bothers me? ZERO.
if she decides to come home, there will be new boundaries. i also will not judge her (something i would do subtly in the past). nor will i tolerate crap from her (something i've done in the past). i'm not scared of the future. actually if she never comes back i'll be more then fine. this isn't a game to me. i love my W, but i'm not leaving my self-respect outside the front door if she ever decides to walk through it someday. i've come too far to let that happen
