Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

Hi BigJohn,

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am in an almost identical sitch - just probably 5 months further along.

Sandi has really helped me a ton. I wish I could tell you a success story, but and maybe in a way it is. My W are still living together - same bed with no physical contact. We are still talking to one another, etc. and the many-times-per-day contact with the OM has dropped to an occasional attempt by my W to rekindle things.

On the other hand, the overall level of intimacy has dropped from some to none, and my W still wants to separate.

It has been long and hard, so I can give you a few pieces of advice.
- Take care of yourself. Do what it takes to really make you happy independent of your Wife, because for a while, that is what you will have to be.

- Be prepared for a long period in limbo with no end in site. Research the Stockdale paradox - if you get optimistic that you can fix this by (some future date), you will fail.

- Realize, admit, and accept your true situation. In my case, it was really admitting that the romantic love that I had with my W is dead and gone - I can't rekindle it by being romantic. I shouldn't look for signs that it is coming back, etc. I had to let it go.

- Detach - this is the hardest thing to understand and to do, but you'll know it when you get there. At some point you will stop caring what your W is doing and whether you are going to get back together. You won't take what she is doing personally. You will know that you are going to be OK and can move on. Only at this point can you really stop pursuing, and only at this point will the power balance in your relationship switch so that your W starts becoming interested again.

Listen to Sandi and Kittifish. They know what they are talking about and give good advice.

Good Luck. We are all here for you.

Thinker,

Thank you for the encouraging words. I just read some of your posts and it is amazing how similar you and I are. I appreciate your dedication, but I have to admit it sure is discouraging thinking that I too may need to let go of any prospect that I may not regain my wife's feelings of romantic love for me (along with any other feelings), at least for a long time. I guess I should feel that as long as she is still here to demonstrate the lack of romantic love for me, it's better than the alternative- her not being with me at all. But then again, for me the question becomes is that really any way to live? And for how long do you put up with it before determining enough is enough?

I don't yet know what my real thresholds are with regards to not going without ANY affection, ANY sex, ANY (or very little)signs of respect from her or anything else a good husband can expect from his wife. I'm concerned not only about the potential damage to my self-respect but also the preservation of any feelings for my wife when her EA is either over or we separate/divorce, because at some point, she is going to need my compassion, one way or the other.