a note to my wife

[Dom R]

first, a word to others:
This is a brief note written just to my wife.
If SHE actually decides to reply, then I might also. But otherwise, I do not intend to reply to this.

I am writing this because of a momentous occasion:
Exactly three years ago, you walked out.

After months of horrible arguments over your lies of "Joe and I are just friends", I had finally confronted you with proof positive.

At that point, you were faced with a choice between two things:

A) Try something you have never tried: Take responsibility for the horrible, horrible way you had treated ME for many months; Apologise, break up with your boyfriend, and put in a whooooole lot of work building a good marriage.

or

B) Continue your romance with Joe. Which neccessitated moving out at that point.


Neither choice was exactly "easy". But you chose the path that involved much less work, and much less responsibility, compared to the alternative. You chose the "romantic feel good" path, and moved out.

Are you really that happy with the result?


It's been 3 (4) years now, and you're still following the "romantic feel good" path, over the "responsibility and hard work" path. Just with different guys. Your 6th in 4 years.

Are you happy with the way your life is now?
Are you proud of your life?
Is it something you can happily share with EVERYONE you know?
Or is there something missing from it?

....

It would take a lot of work to clear things up between us. But how about a little "cost/benefit analysis":

It would give you a life that you could be proud of, and not feel the need to hide.
From your family.
From our children.

Is there really anything else, that will give you a bigger sense of personal self-worth, than fixing this horrible mess and giving our children what they most deserve?

No, they dont deserve "a home without their parents arguing".
(you didnt have one of those either!)

They deserve "a home where we work together, to show them how to RESOLVE arguments positively".

...

There's more than one way to get there.

How about you pick one, and give it a try.

You know I dont make promises lightly.
I promise you this, though:
If you pick one, and put ALL your effort into it, without holding back...
After 6 months, you will be happier than you ever thought you could be.

You will be less stressed.
You will sleep better.
and you will have a husband, and children, that 100% support you, each and every day.

.....

happy "anniversary".
thank you again for cooking for father's day, and for the book.

[Dom R]

well... a 3 month followup, since I hate to leave loose ends for other people.

She DID respond to my post... she responded by hiring a new lawyer, within a day or two of my post, and the separation D-day.

Maybe i should have just kept my mouth shut or maybe it really didnt make any difference. She always seems to get hostile/antsy in june. It's when her teaching winds down, and she has the long summer ahead of her.

She claims she is NOT planning to move in with her current BF, or even introduce him to our children. Yet she still wants to finish up the divorce.


Skipping over various things... final court meetings for resolution, disolution,etc. are set for Jan 2010.
(interestingly, that will be almost on the "anniversary" of me being served divorce papers by her, 3 years before)

I've stopped extending myself to her in the face of her continuing to cheat on me, and impending divorce. I have dropped the rope, as of a month ago.
(in self-contemplation... I think that I may have kept trying, if only one of them was going on... but both is too much)

"and taht's all i have to say about that..."

Probably will just post a final note in Jan when things are "signed", and I officially get to jump into the waters of dating, instead of just watching poolside


To Trixi: I wish that things go better for your marriage, than mine. Hope your H keeps to his word and goes to Retro (and actually puts in effort there!)

To Jen:
...
nothing really to say to you at the moment, I guess. I'm just sad for our family.

[ClingingToHope]

Wow, three years. I'm going on just five months separated. And I can't imagine not having some kind of direction resolved by next April -- my birthday and our anniversary.

How did you hang in this long?

[Trixi]

(((((DOM))))))
Wow! I was so pleased to see that you had posted! Long time no see!
I'm not pleased to see where your situation is currently, but am glad to hear you have dropped the rope.
You always were straight forward with me and I appreciated it. Don't be such a stranger

[*KS*Chick*]

Dom......one piece of advice....give yourself time to date. I'm sorry you're in this place.

[LolaL]

I understand your feelings. Today is my 2 year mark, and although I feel pretty good, part of me wants to throw it in stbx's face. Their lives turn to crap and still they keep seeking the "feel good" romance rather than working through the real thing.

<shaking head>

((((hugs Dom))))