Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

I messed up. I had emailed my H asking yet again, if he could please go to this Imago Relationship Therapy workshop with me, because after all, I have been following his crazy request to ignore him and not speak to him although we are living in the same house, for weeks and weeks now (3 months total thus far). He didn't respond to me via email, so I asked him face to face late last night.

Again, he's refusing to go, and po'd that I think he "owes" me anything, considering all the money he's put towards me.. (not really that much actually). To him, as cold as it sounds, it all seems about $. So I told him then that my time of being quiet around the house and ignoring him is over. I don't know what a good 180 would be here, but probably just saying hi and bye and stuff, and sounding cheerful, calm and relaxed, and not going into it from there. If you have more feedback on other 180 options in this strange situation, they'd be appreciated.

So we started talking and arguing and he got all riled up, which he hasn't been for a long time. While I like the fact he is showing emotion, obviously I don't want him mad and angry like he was.

He is telling me now that his attorney says that mediation is not the best way to go for him. Duh! I told him that the attorney would say this, because the attny isn't licensed for mediation, so instead he wants to go the most expensive route, a court trial.

Then we got some interesting info out on the table. He says that if I make this divorce fast and easy, he'll give me, get this...first months rent for an apartment, and a security deposit, yup, maybe $1,200! I laughed at that one and said "I'd have laughed at you for $12,000, much less $1,200!" I can't believe what a fool he is. His attny is telling him nothing, and he refuses to look at the statues explaining what a "Community property" state really is, and how it affects him. Meanwhile, he's spending money hand over fist on expensive bikes for his new triathalon fad, outfits and special glasses and so on.

In this state, his income is half mine, but since I have no access to it because we don't have joint accounts, I just have to sit by and watch him spend spend spend. I've been logging all of this, and I think based on this crappy $1,200 "offer", such a paltry offer that it is, I'm going to be filing papers for immediate maintenance so he will quit flaunting his expenditures in front of me while I try to eek by during this time of my unpaid leave from my job due to marriage stress.

Also, I asked him if his attny told him about a "loophole" for ending this quickly...he said no. Basically, I'm talking about an annulment, and we could do one if he would say that he feels fooled because he thought my income was bigger than it was (despite the fact he NEVER ASKED me what it was). I asked him what he would give me were I to use this loophole, and he said he'd give me the house, and I'd have to start taking over payments July 1st. Now, mind you, I don't begin working again until July 4th, and have no money now, so this is ridiculous. I said so, and he said "ok, August 1st".

I do want the house, but to get it and nothing else, when frankly, since he's only had a few years and it has next to no equity built up and requires tens of 1,000's in upgrades and major repairs is no big help to me. Plus, if I get this new job I've been interviewing for, I could swing the mortgage, but it'd be very tight, whereas it would be super easy were we both to stay married and stay here togehter.

Also, because I do want to save this marriage, getting out fast doesn't really help this because in an annullment, were we to get one, it would be w/o any waiting period, and occur immediatley once a judge signed off on it.

He ruled out the mediation idea, which would be much cheaper than a court trial, and while not as fast as an annulment, much faster than court. I called our MC and asked to see her 1:1 about our marriage so I can ask her "can this marriage be saved" to determine what she thinks...should I end it fast because he's shown not one sign of relenting since he began talking about divorce seriously at the end of last month? Or does she think there is hope in trying, and what the heck should I do?

He mentioned when I talked about the workshop that he would only go "if a judge told him he had to go"...thanks for the idea sweetheart! I plan on adding this request, as well as to attend, comply and communicate during our MC sessions moving forward to my official divorce response, which I am doing with the attorney tomorrow. I hope the judge rules in my favor, frankly, given the short amount of time we've been married, I think they'd be want us to try to work on it first, don't you?

So today I really didn't know what to do to be doing a 180 from the no talk/ignore him phase, but instead of acting all calm and cheerful, I set him off because of what I said and how I said it. I said something about "where do you want me to put your stuff when I move it" because there are only 2 rooms in this house that even show that I live here, my office and a bit, the bedroom. Other rooms don't even have a spec of me in them, because I moved into his house and he's so damn controlling. It took forever just to get the office to be mine instead of a spare room, which we didn't need anyway. Normally, you'd think that we as a couple would go through stuff room by room, but we have not. So, I'm doing this now in retrospect, also, frankly, "marking my territory" like I've done in the yard by planting things, but I would have done that anyways if all was blissful. This set Mr. Controlling & Anxious off big time, and he stormed around for quite a while.

He left an hour or so ago to stay overnight at hotel. Probably better than what he did last night, which was to re - rearrange the kitchen appliances after I changed them at 2 in the morning. I even vacummed and cleaned behind them!

So I've got to:

1) stop enjoying the temporary thrill of pushing his buttons and think long term here
2) think before I say anything, and ask myself if this is for the good of the Rlsp
3)Act cheerful, calm, and nice, not rushed and frantic and harassing
4) act like my normal self, but more mysterious, but otherwise, outgoing and charming as far as greetings and earnest compliments go
5) contiune my job hunting and
6) continue GAL as I've been doing
7) finish charity donation project
8) finsih painting garage 2nd coat project
9) put away the clothes in the baskets of clean laundry in my room
10) put up some art in my office and bedroom
11) clean my office

The good news is that I have some time to do this before I start work again. Thank goodness. I want to have all my ducks in a row before that happens and feel organzied and ready to hit the ground running.

Ok, Mr. Cheapskate has not "allowed me" to turn on the AC and I'm sweating here just typing this in my office at 11:35 pm at night because it's so darn hot in here. I've seen 2 readings this weekend at 80 degrees on our thermostat inside the house, so I'm not kidding, it's roasting. I must open more windows and turn on more fans to get the air circulating more or give up and use the AC. Got to go, thanks for reading this and your wise comments.