WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Well, made it through another 24 hour period without posting about my wife.

Again, I may have cheated as I spent most of the day with my wife and kids. She came over about 10:30 AM to have an early lunch before the 4 of left to go to the baseball game at 11:30 AM.

We chatted and had a beer while we made lunch. She had brought a sushi roll for the 2 of us to share as an appetizer, along with a watermellon for the boys to eat with lunch (hot dogs and chips). She also brought snacks for us to take to the baseball game.

Before we left for the game, she had the boys give me the card that she helped them make yesterday.

We drove to the game and continued to have some light conversation (joking and laughing). When we got to the game, we wound up sitting next to each other and the boys were to my right. She had gotten a text from one of her girl friends a few times during the game, but generally, we spent most of it just having a good time. We each had a couple of beers and things seemed pretty good.

It was a pretty good game (27 hits and 15 runs scored), although we lost 8 to 7.

We started driving home and she asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and the boys. I said sure and we wound up at a steak place. She and I sat next to each other in the booth until the boys started going at it with each other. I told her that I think we're going to have to seperate them so we wound up sitting opposite each other. We continued to chat and just have some pretty light/lively conversation.

It was a really good day until we got home. Then my 3 year old asked if she was going to stay. She said that they were going to her apartment and we were just dropping daddy off at home. He started freaking out and I could see our 7 year old getting upset as well as he tried to comfort his little brother. I leaned in and gave them each a big hug and kiss and told them that I will see them in a couple of days as mommy wants them to visit her apartment. I told them that they can call me tonite to say good nite if they wanted to. My wife said that they would call after they got baths.

As they drove away, the 3 of them said happy father's day, but I could see the 2 boys were still sad. Once they got of site, I couldn't take it anymore and went into the house and cried. It was a crappy way to end father's day.

I called up one of my friends (the divorced couple who are very pro find your soulmate if you aren't happy in your relationship as that's what happened to them). They invited me over as they could tell I was a wreak.

I spent about 3 hours with them. They kept harping on the fact that I need to accept that it's over and let it go. Their analogy was letting a bird go and me standing out back waiting for it to come back while I kept tossing out bird seeds and building elaborate bird houses to attract it back. They said I can't just stand out back waiting and hopping it comes back while life past me by. I need to let it go and accept that it flew away and move on with my life. (I got annoyed with that part of the discussion, but I took it that they just didn't want to see me hurting so badly).

Then the conversation shifted to what many people here have said, make the changes for me and the boys, don't do it to attract her back. So that part helped.

After that we talked about how I can't feel guilty about what I did in the past unless I consciously made the decision to neglect/hurt my wife. They both pressed me that if I didn't do it on purpose, I need to forgive myself and let it go.

Then we had an interesting discussion on whether or not my wife was acting selfishly. This is where I disagreed with them. They said that if my wife wasn't happy, she isn't acting selfishly by leaving as it wouldn't be good for the boys to see her unhappy. I wasn't sure if I really bought into that one. Is she being selfish that she gets to decide to end the marriage and break up the family because she has given up?

They both kept saying that the boys would be fine as they will adjust. I countered that I'm sure that they would be but would they be better if my my wife and I could reconcile and develop the relationship that we both want, wouldn't the boys be even better. They agreed that it would be, but said that it's not going to happen as long as it's not what she wants.

So then I said, isn't that being selfish as it's all about what she wants, not what the other people in the family want?

Curious what other people's thoughts are on this one.

We had a pretty long discussion on this one but left it as I see what they are trying to say, but I needed to mull this one over some more.

Hope people had a happy dad day!