i see u live in ny...on what grounds did he file for divorce and how is it going through so quickly?
i live in ny too, u can see my thread under infidelity...
if u want to work things out and save your marriage, there must be a way for u to slow down your divorce, seems way too quick, especially for ny.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
I was wondering how it was going for you these last couple of days. I'm happy to see you checked in with us.
I know what your saying. That we are NOT supposed to bring up the R. AND if your like me, if I think it's not going to be good I want to put off knowing as long as possible. I feel for you girl, it gets so unbearable at times. You keep asking yourself why did this happen to us. Hold strong girl! You have come a long way, and with each step you have been getting stronger and stronger.
Thanks for stopping by and reading my story. I'm living with H, he's filed for D, and he took off on the Harley early this morning and is not home yet. He's probably with OW. Tears me up, as I sit here thinking it should be me out on that bike with him.
Hang in there girl! I'm thinking of you... It gets my mind off me for a while.
Thanks mlj for thinking of me......I am feeling very strange.....as if I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yesterday, he started holding the door open for me.....I have no idea what that is about. He ran a bunch of errands today while I studied and then ate a meal I cooked......I am so scared, I really wish he would just tell me. But, I am executing some real restraint.
Yesterday when my dad called and asked to speak to him.....he did not want the phone, but my dad ASKED for him....there was nothing I could do....it made me feel like he does not want to talk to my dad.......means....he has not changed his mind...he wants the D. But, who knows........then, later I asked him where he wants to sleep and he said on the bed.........well, that is confusing......of course nothing happened.....god forbid he initiate anything right now.......
I am just trying to get thru each day. A part of me thinks...this will be really bad......but, then he is actually nice but, then...........he has never been mean. One thing he did say so far is that "We were both naive when we got married. Dreamy." I know that.......but, isn't everyone when they get married and then LIFE hits you and you ADAPT! I agreed, validated and didn't say anything else.
I know this is going to sound desperate....but, I am trying really hard NOT to be. He is doing a lot of things for me....and it is making me nervous. Why are men so unpredictable? Just COMMUNICATE man!
Ok. will check in later. I need to just be in my happy place! If he goes and never returns, I will be ok......NO, I will be more than ok......so, then why is does it feel like I am not the brink of tears! I wanted to kiss him today........I was looking at him.......and what I thought was.....doesn't he want to kiss me? I know. I know. He does not! He wants to D me! I will keep saying that to myself....and just pray that I make it to Thursday morning with some level of dignity!
Ok........I need some advice.....again. I had the first R talk with H today. He said he feels "obligated" to do things for me and he feels "guilty" all the time. He says he feels like he always has to be good.....that he feels an obligation bc he is legally bonded by marriage to me.
He said he had 2nd thoughts the first day he came and he saw me. He said "You looked so beautiful and if we didn't have history or if I did not know you, it would have been like that very first day we met. But, I would do things very differently from the start." I said, "Yes, I can understand feeling that way"
He said for the first time this morning he had a thought. He proposed we go ahead and get the D, so he can find some closure with this R and then he wants to be on his own until next July. He swears there is no other woman and he is not having or interested in having an A. He says he will promise not to have a R with anyone else, if we decided to meet up after a year. After a year, we could see if we can make a go of things again.
You sound like me with the analyzing. I am always trying to analyze everything H is doing. I know I need to quit, it would be so much better for me. Keep the focus on me,me,me.
The visit sounds like it is going good, and he is being nice. On the bed! WOW... If my H would have done that I think I would have fainted dead away! (lol).
I can sure relate to what you said about looking at your H. I try to look so cute, and wear his fav perfume whenever he's around hoping he can't resist. Nope. Nothing. Then I remember oh ya, he can't see me through the fog. And, as they say, we are the last one's they will connect with when they come out of it. The other day, I was looking at H and thinking "why am I so heartbroken over that". He hasn't been nice to me for a long time, and he could lose a few pounds. I have many friends that tell me I deserve so much better. They don't understand. Coming here, you are talking to others that do understand.
I know what you mean about being in a Happy Place. Gosh that will feel so good again. What a feeling that will be. I am going to GA for three weeks to visit my D, and will be away from this craziness for a while. I just have to remember not to think too much about what's going on at home.
Today was a good day. H was home all day. OMG, I just heard him tell his D on the phone that he had a wonderful day!! Wonder what was different about today. This is so crazy isn't it?! We watched sev movies together, I made cookies, and dinner. Nothing out of the ordinary. Go figure...
Enjoy tomorrow... Keep the focus on Orchid, and show him what he'll be missing!!
I am glad you were able to have a "wonderful" day with him, mj. Don't have a clue what that means though as I am going thru many wonderful days with my H as well.
My H says he wants a D so that he can psychologically start over. This is not a game or a tv set........you can't just decide to press "reset"....how many times will he press the reset button in our lives and how? Today its D, next time it may be an Affair. So, whenever we can't figure things out he will "reset"? OOOHH! What a great way to live your life!
I told him when we first met that I did not want to get married......I wanted to just live together......this M business seems to put people is different places and its a great excuse for those who just don't want to put in any effort.
Lets just get a D and they feel like they have "done" something to help themselves psychologically. Its taken so lightly. Why would I want to give him a D, meet up after a year to see if we could start over again?
HOW STUPID dO I HAVE TO BE? What is MY benefit? I get to be with you again when YOU are ready? WHAT? This is the only option?
Does anyone understand what H is saying? How do I manage this? I have been validating and not arguing yet, but boy am i in the mood this morning.
I feel like saying "F*%^# U" I am not the trash to be put out and then dug back up after a year! I really just do not know how I would trust him again? He says he has me on a pedestal.
He says he would do things differently if we could start again. SURE......what is the guarantee and why would I be dumb enough to make a go of it again, only to have him bail on me after another 5 years or so....I just don't know.
He says he is attracted to me, but he just doesn't want to act on it. He says he never wanted the elaborate wedding that my parents gave us. He says he doesn't want to take a leadership role in my career. He says if he doesn't like something I am doing, he wants to be able to just say that to me. He says he doesn't want to be some "good guy" who is doing all the "right" things bc he is not always that good. He says he feel that my brother-in-law gives more to my sis than he (my H) gives to me and I deserve more.
ok.......I have validated and not argued and actually understood where he is coming fom. Now, someone give me some perspective and tell me why I would trust him ever again?
He wants to get a D and have a year "off" and then we can meet up again to see if we both wanted to try again. He says he won't get involved with anyone else....there is no A even now. What is my benefit here??? Its like I am saying to him, he can do whatever he wants and he can press the "reset" button however he wants and I will just be waiting for him. I am not that person.
I would NOT get involved with anyone for a few years for sure and then maybe......definately, I know I do not want to marry again. But I would rather be alone than with a person I do not trust. Why should I trust that this will not become a pattern for "us"?
orchid - I can't imagine how hard this is for you but you are doing very well so far! It's natural to feel angry about his choices, and you can't make sense of what he's saying right now because he doesn't even know! Remember that we're not to believe anything they say right now!
I guess the advice that comes to mind is to fall back on the DB techniques. Be consistent!
Act 'as if' - act happy to see him, fun to be around, no R talk unless he brings it up
Validate - if he wants to D and see where things are in a year, there isn't much you can do about that - for now, validate, "I hear what you're saying, I can see you've been thinking about this" - don't argue or dispute it right now. (who knows if the D will really happen, who knows if you'll even want to try in a year, etc.) For now, just validate.
Be a friend - he's opening up some about what's on his mind - that is good! Just listen like a friend would, and act like a friend would. You can fall apart later but while he's there this is your prime opportunity to show him how marvelous you are!
Yes, it feels like a game and pressing 'reset' is only something that happens in the moves, like that Adam Sandler movie. But this is real - and this is a real chance to act 'as if' and get him thinking about what the heck is he doing.
So validate his thoughts, and in every encounter, act like a friend would. You can do it!
OK...the D would happen in August....so, I was panicking.....bc to me its very soon. But, I cannot change that....you are right.
I cannot promise to be there ...... after a year. I could be there after a year if he does not go thru with the D......but, if he goes thru with it...I just don't know what that means for me - internally. I know I can be without him, I am choosing to want to be WITH him.
But, on the other hand, he did say that the day he came and when he first saw me, if he wasn't married to me and we didn't have history, he felt exactly the way he felt the very first day he saw me. After another 24 hrs, he said he had the thought of meeting up after a year apart. This is day 4 and already this morning he says "Its really impressive. YOu got up so early to study. I haven't seen that in years"
My problem is that he is not here after just 2 more days and he will leave and just go back to his own head and his own insecurities and so, no more chances to improve our communication or R or anything. Tomorrow, I will be gone from 7am to 7pm.......for work related stuff. So tomorrow is out and that leaves just Wednesday and then thursday morning he leaves.
NO TIME! But, ok....will keep cool. Thank you for reply. This has been a difficult few days.
August is two months away. Yes, it's soon and yes, you may get divorced. But if you really want to be WITH him, then don't let the D stop you from your efforts! It's just a legal term. You said yourself that you didn't need the M when you guys got together. Well, then don't let the D stop you from DB'g your heart out and keep going.
I think you have his attention, and he's noticing you and your changes. That is wonderful! You have a few more days. Keep doing what you're doing. He likes seeing you be responsible for your studies, so keep that going. But have some fun! What's something you guys used to do when you first started dating? Go do it! Think about your first few dates...
I'm off to an uncle's funeral today but I'll check on you later. Have a great day and maximize this time! Be fun, be a good friend and listener and don't forget your techniques. You've studied them as much as your current coursework... so practice what you've been learning! You can do it!
