I don't know why but it's really getting to me. I helped S pick out a card and gave son $ to buy 2 gift cards, which were all given to H yesterday (b/c he is working today). S and I even took him out to dinner last night. Now this. No, this 'person' who looks like my H is NOT the man I married.
Great, now I just snapped at S and who I'm really pissed at is H. Going to try to make amends with S...
Are you telling me he successfully baited you? C'mon, Ash. You can handle this. Don't give his childish jabs any power over you (even though I gave W power over me a few hours ago) . I know, I know....
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
[quote=Ashlee]Don't give his childish jabs any power over you (even though I gave W power over me a few hours ago) . I know, I know....
lol...
Yes, he baited me and yes, it got to me. BUT...No, I did not respond. Although I know (and you guys know) it got to me..H does not know, which is good.
I will persevere! Yea, I got my own little fan club here made up of me, myself and I.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Do you mind if I'm on here? If you want your private space, I understand and will stay away. I'm just concerned, but you are getting wonderful advice. The thing with talking will "regular" friends is they just don't get this and they feel your pain and they are reacting to that pain. It is normal and I'm understanding a lot of how it was for you when I went through all this crap. But this stuff is for you and S! He is going to see how you are handling this and might not comment on it, but he is noticing.
You can't control their actions, only yours. When you have times of doubt, re-read your thread, there has been some advice that nails a lot of this on the head. And it will be one step forward and two steps back for a long time. I remember at one point (I think it is the book) the average time is one month for every year of marriage. And we hit that one very close.
H denied every minute that he was in a MLC. I wonder if he would admit it now. And he would stand in the back yard talking on the cell, the parallels are amazing.
H is baiting you and you are doing a great job of not rising up to it. And someone said it earlier....don't make it easier for him to leave, the bills are all 1/2 his...he can't afford the house without you.
I'm here, anytime. Personal note: L is not doing well, she didn't eat much at the in-laws and can't even stand. I'll take her to vet tomorrow...extremely worried.
Jackie - I don't mind. You are the only person I personally know who has been there and done that. I hope all works out with L tomorrow - let me know.
btw...Jackie is my sister and the one who turned me onto this website.
Yesterday when I was cleaning out some stuff, H asked me if I was starting to pack. I responded no. H has no idea that I do not plan to move. Until he asks, he can go on thinking I'll be leaving in 3 months. Of course, when the 3 months are up and I'm still here I guess he'll have a clue!
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Hi - Just reading your posts and I was puzzled by things
1. Why has PDT not advised you to expose this EA to OW husband ? If it was me , I would be throwing the cat amongst the pigeons. I know the concern would be the bust up of OW M but then it may also be her wake up call if her H decdes to leave. Once the excitement is taken out of any affair , reality can kick in. Big call but one you should consider.
2. Your H seems insecure with all this baiting. Has there been any C at all? Maybe he has issues that just need understanding. It does seem all so childish. It could be that he wants you to be the one that leaves , therefore making him feel less guilty. Stick to what you are doing with regard to reactions. You are not playing his game and he must be so frustrated. If he wants to go , then let him go. Be it on his own head !
Why has PDT not advised you to expose this EA to OW husband ? If it was me , I would be throwing the cat amongst the pigeons. I know the concern would be the bust up of OW M but then it may also be her wake up call if her H decdes to leave. Once the excitement is taken out of any affair , reality can kick in. Big call but one you should consider.
I have gone back and forth regarding this issue. When I found out H and OW were talking on the phone, I flipped out. I told H I would contact OW husband. I even pulled up his facebook page (with H in room) and got ready to send him a message, but did not. I told H to warn OW (I think my pet name for her was Fu@#ing B!tch) that I would be contacting her H. The next day, I went to send a message to OW's H and his facebook page had vanished. Obviously H warned OW. Before ya'll tell me all the mistakes I made, I know, this was before I found DB. Anyway, I tried to find OW's H other ways but have not had any luck. I do have a home address. The only number I know is OW cell phone number, the home number is unlisted. I have thought about sending a copy of our phone records to OW's H, to prove the calls but don't know if that would be the right move at this time. (plus, there is always the possibility OW gets the mail) I do have a friend of a friend looking for a number for him, as he is Army Reserves. My H's response to all this is I should not contact him b/c they are having problems and I have no business interferring (like the f... B!tch isn't interferring in MY life?). So, here I am at a crossroad, not knowing what to do. Part of me is scared if I do contact OW's H, it will end their marriage, thus landing her in my H's arms. Thoughts anyone?
Originally Posted By: pollyanna
Your H seems insecure with all this baiting. Has there been any C at all? Maybe he has issues that just need understanding. It does seem all so childish. It could be that he wants you to be the one that leaves , therefore making him feel less guilty. Stick to what you are doing with regard to reactions. You are not playing his game and he must be so frustrated. If he wants to go , then let him go. Be it on his own head !
Pollyanna - you are 100% on the mark. H definately wants me to leave and I think in his mind, he would relieve him of guilt. Before I found DB, I told H it was his fault if our M didn't work b/c he does not want to work on it and b/c of OW. Of course, I say nothing like that anymore.
Some history...H has always been insecure. When we met, he was still getting over his ex, who had cheated with several other guys. At first I found the attention and jealousy endearing as I never experienced it before. My fault completely. It took a long time for me to realize that his jealously was not love and how I was enabling the sitch. H still shows signs of jealousy once in a while but I use the methods I learned in IC years ago to deal with it.
H is not in IC but should be. Since he is active duty military, there is a fear attached to getting help. One never knows if the miltiary will use it against you and end your career. I know that seems far-fetched but it has happened. Furthermore, there are issues with his family. He had a huge blow out with his parents last Oct. It actually involved his mother's disrespect to me and it was the first time H stood up to her for me (after 16 years). 2 of his sisters got involved, taking mother's side and it was a mess. We have not seen his parents or most of his siblings since that time. To further complicate matters, his cousin died in April and we found out 4 weeks later from one of his brothers. To this day, his mother has not contacted him regarding the death. H sees this as betrayal as his mother knew how close he was to his cousin growing up. So, yes, H does need IC but I really don't see it happening (I mentioned this to him when this whole sitch started).
I do think H suffers from depression. H takes an anti-depressant but got it from Internet, so the military know nothing about it. Of course, there is no doctor 'monitoring' him.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I am ALWAYS in favor of the OM/OW's spouse being notified. They have a right to know, pure and simple, and to then make their own decisions within their family based on the information.
I think it's unethical and immoral NOT to tell them.
.
