Where to start?

[dmkdmkdmk]

No computer makes for a long weekend... lots of reading

I read "Codependent No More" this weekend... very thought-provoking. The book seems to be intended towards people who are in relationships with addicts of some sort, but I realized that even though my H has been completely trustworthy, I've been treating him like he's not. I don't know if it's because everything over the past couple of years just had spun out of control that I desperately needed SOMETHING to control, and I picked him... and I told him with my behavior that I didn't trust him, even though he's never given me a reason not to.

And he's removed himself from the situation, so suddenly, I have nothing to try to control, and now I see my anxiety level plummeting, and I feel great about myself for the first time in years. Not because he's gone, but because I'm directing the control to where it needs to go, where it's healthy, and normal. I wish I could tell him about this, but I guess I'll have to settle for showing him...

And I DO want him to come home ultimately, because we love each other and our family, and not because I need something to control. And I know it's going to take a little time, right? I don't want him to come home to soon and I fall back into the same pattern.

It's like, I want to tell him that I do trust him - that I trust that he's making good decisions on his own, and that he can take care of himself without me trying to control and monitor his every move. And that my sudden detachment ISN'T about me not loving him, or being mad at him for leaving, or anything like that - it's giving him the time and space and privacy he needs to be on his own, and to let myself grow a little and be a healthy, loving person instead of being controlling and obsessive.

I did get my new bedroom furniture - it is soooo nice and I actually look forward to going to bed. It's like waking up in a hotel room Next step, painting! Now how to explain it to H when he comes over to see DD today