Over the Shock and GALing 5

[Thinker]

"Hmmmm, I don't agree with that, but let me think about it for a minute"

"Hmmm, that causes problems for me and I would have to change my schedule. Let me think about it for a minute."

"Hmmm, I am not sure if I agree with that as a good use of our money, but let me think about it for a minute"

When you don't agree with her, try:

"Say that another way to me so I can understand better what you mean." Then LISTEN!

Always find SOME point of agreement in what she says - no matter how small it is. "Yeah, I see what you mean about such and such."

"Help me figure out how I can rework my sched around what you're planning so it works for both of us."

I love the "say it another way" or "ask that a different way." It says "I'm listening. I'm looking for common ground and your first delivery didn't offer that. Let's take another run at it."

Thanks Greek,

Let me explore that for a minute with you. I like your suggestions, but am having trouble applying them to the situations where I tend to get exasperated and not be a good listener.

Most of them tend to be sudden complaints or pronouncements on the part of my W.

Here are some examples:
1)
Sitch: We are on vacation, I have taken time off from work, we have a 7-day package at a resort, the kids are in the back of the car and we are driving to get there.

Pronouncement: "We are not going to drive all the way today. We'll stop at my sisters for a day and then get there tomorrow"

My Reaction: "What?!! That's not the plan? Where did that come from? That's out of our way, and will add distance to the drive. Plus, we'll miss the first day at the time share."

Reality: Over the next hours I accepted the change in plan and got to agree with it. We had really started the drive too late, and traffic was horrendous. In the end we all welcomed the break in the middle. I told her that her idea to stop was the correct one and resulted in an overall better vacation.

2)
Sitch: I have been training for months for a triathlon. I ran it yesterday and was excited. I wanted my family there to support me, and based on how I had played pit-crew for my W's races in the past, expected her to do the same. We had tentatively made plans for this, and now it was 1 day before.

Pronouncement: "I am not going to go tomorrow. The weather is supposed to be yucky, and I don't want to get the kids up early. Plus I have stuff to do."

My Reaction: "What?!! This is important to me! We all got up early for your races. I want the boys to be there to see what I am doing."

Reality: "After a bit of thought, I decided that my expecting my W to support me in the way that I had supported her in past years was just that...my EXPECTING. I also did not want her being there grumping around and spoiling the event. I told her that she did not have to go if she did not want to. She should stay home with S1. S4 and S6 came with me and my sister watched after them and took pictures. We had a great time.

----
In both of these cases, W's pronouncement was a sudden change of plans and directions and a disappointment for me. In both cases I reacted negatively to the sudden change and pushed back.

W used both of these as examples in our discussion as to how (in her opinion) I am "always negative" and "always react badly to anything she want's to do" and how even though I eventually come around and understand and support her decision in the end (as I did in both of these cases) "the damage has already been done" and I "have already caused her pain"

I recognize that I can't control W's style of thinking something over in silence, making a decision for herself and then dropping it on me. All I can control is my own negative reaction - without, of course, just agreeing to everything she decides.

In hindsight, my first reaction has normally been to voice my disagreement with the decision and my resentment at having it dropped on me, and then to dispute the decision point by point.

I need to find a way to not agree, stall the decision, and open up a productive discussion.

So, your feedback? Suggested ways to handle these?