Newbie - first post and ?s

[Gardener]

Ashlee,
W's b'day was fine. Just a bit of a twinge of...loss when I woke up. No b'day song to sing.

Re: the prevalence of divorces at your job - everywhere -I believe most of that is because it's easy. The easy way out...and mostly selfish. What you and I have decided to do, what we've just begun to work is the exact opposite: it is hard, very hard. And selfless (okay, maybe a bit selfish, but the good kind).

I lm for W yesterday morning. She called back 8 hrs later. I didn't answer. See my latest post on all that.

I wish I had someone around me who really understood what it is I am dealing with. I know I have you guys and my sister, but no one who lives near me, no one to hang with or chat with, you know what I mean?

Boy, do I hear you on that. But, y'know, before DB, I confided in 2 or 3 and then I said F this. I was getting bad advice, I don't want to give just my side, I don't want anyone's opinion of W tainted as she's a truly good person...and I was pity-party-whining. Pity party's okay, it's kinda cleansing but I figured after one or two healthy ones, continuing them was just cementing my role as victim. So now I talk about anything but. Period. When friends say "So...how're you doing?" I give one of two answers:
1) "Better and better." (true) or
2) "Better and better." (lie)
This is the place I dump it and spew it and get my strength. I got you guys, you got me. And we're all experts and we all know exactly what each other's going through.

Today, after conversation w/W, I crashed, bummed out for a good 2 hours.
Then I thought, why am I giving her and the sitch that much power right now?
Some days, between DB, GAL, 180, PMA, don't initiate, end interactions bfore she does, etc., etc., etc., I feel like a juggler and when I drop one of the balls, I invariably say, "S&%t, bend down to pick it back up and then the other 8 come crashing down, too.
So today I figured, I don't really have the whole PMA thing down yet, let me put these other 8 balls back on the shelf and just keep PMA with me until I have that one down (index card in my pocket that says "PMA"), then I'll pick up the next one - and only that one - until that one's (semi) mastered. If I'm expecting to see/talk to W, I'll go over to the shelf and start brushing up on those other balls* as well as the wonderful stuff I read here so I'm "db-ready" for exchange w/wife. Gotta do the same thing w/all the books I'm simultaneously reading right now. Just gonna stick w/DR book and tap into the others as the need/situation warrants.
We gotta take care of ourselves first and I'm starting to exhaust myself.
Whew!!!
Thanks for listening.
* Hey, I guess db'ing takes a lot of balls