I'm so glad you posted your story here and are seeking advice and support from the DB gang. I would like to know the ages of you and your H and if you have children and their ages. It helps us to have a better over-all picture of your family and the stitch to know little details like that.
It certaintly sounds like your H is having a MLC! Can you tell us why the two of you are still living in the same house after filing for D? A lot of couples remain under the same roof and consider themselves separated but due to finances they are not prepared to move out to different houses. I would think living in the same house after filing for D and knowing he has a GF would be extremely tough. Has the D been made final and if not, when is the date?
Okay, if you've read many of my posts then you know most are long so get comfortable (lol).
First of all, know what MJ wants in life. Not what is expected of her or what her family & friends think she should have--but what she really, really wants. If it is the fact that someday your H will come to his senses and that the two of you will get back together, then that is fine. It is good for you to have "hope"--as long as you do not lose focus of reality and the facts you are dealing with and do what is best for you in this stitch. I think a person can go about their lives and not give up on seeing their hopes coming about some day. However, "time" seems to be what gets most DBers down b/c they want things to happen much, much faster than it does.
You said you tried to be the Stepford Wife and it made him worse. So, how about becoming completely different from that? I am strongly suggesting you completely drop the rope. I think that when the other spouse is in MLC, that is probably the most effective DB route to take! If you've read the book, then you know that to "drop the rope" means that you completely turn lose of your H--and you do not-- under any circumstances -- behave as his wife. That means not waiting hand & foot on him, no cooking meals or washing his clothes......NOTHING! You do nothing that you once did as his wife, like picking his clothes up at the cleaners, getting something at the store on your way home, etc. He is completely independent of you and visa-versa. The two of you may be under the same roof, but that is the ONLY thing that is shared. You live your life and he lives his. You do not discuss any of your plans, schedules, or daily details with him. You do not have to explain tell him anything when you start to leave....except "good-bye", b/c you do not owe him any explanations. Besides, it helps to be mysterious about your life--and by not telling him anything that you are doing makes it easier. It may take a while for him to get his head out of his rear before he notices what you are doing, but if anything works....this route will. The main point is that you show no interested in him whatsoever! You must not show any concern about him, no matter how he looks or what he says. He may even try to test your sympathy by saying something pitiful, but don't "cave" when he does, b/c you have to be strong and not allow your emotions to take over.
If you have not emotionally detached yourself from him, then that is a "must" b/c you will not be able to drop the rope until you detach. That is the hardest part of this ordeal according to what LBS's say. You have to put the brakes on each time your mind begins thinking of him as being the way he "once" was b/c he IS NOT that man now. Another hard lesson for the LBS. Don't put yourself through more pain by trying to find your long lost H in this stranger b/c even if you saw a glimpse of him, it would not last but a tiny short time before the stranger in MLC would strike back. You must treat him like a person you were never M to. You must think of him in those terms.....as difficult as it will be.
Don't confuse the fact that you can still have hope about "someday" and yet go on about living your life. You must live as if he would never be a part of it again. You have to have that attitude and you must have a lot of self-esteem and convidence. Men are attraced to women with healthy self esteem. They love women who are confident. So in time, you should become a very attractive lady to this stranger who used to be your H. As I have seen some of them write and say that they were shocked when they were convinced that their spouse was over them and was actually moving on with their life....and then that was when they realized what they were about to throw away. Did it happen every time? I'm sure it didn't, but what else could you lose? He's filed for a D from you, so this needs to be your LRT and live your life as if he will never be a part of it again.
As he sees you going your way and living your own life and not showing that you care one twit what he does or doesn't do......he is more likely to turn back around than anything else you do. However.....and this is very important.....you are not dropping the rope as a ploy to win him back. Dropping the rope is to set yourself free of what his MLC is doing to your life! I'm sure you've had a large dose of it already and have tried enough of the other things to see they didn't change his mind. Dropping the rope may not make one ounce of difference in "him" but it will you. That will be your first step toward finding peace and being able to move forward with living. But as long as you are still hanging on to him, then you haven't dropped anything and are only playing a game. So it has to be "real" in order to feel you have accomplished something for yourself. The extra benefit is "if" he gets his eyes open and wakes up out of the MLC fog......but as you've probably read, it takes a long time.
Build up a support system of friends here on the DB board and come here as often as you can to post to us and express your feelings and what you are doing. That is what gets people through these bad times.
Talk to you later. Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
