Thanks Sugar, Bluerain and Blindsided for your thoughts and for checking in on me. I have had a busy few weeks with all 3 kids sick in succession, and trying to fit in the beginning of all the kids summer activities. On the bright side, all of this has given me something to focus on in addition to the situation with my H. But, any time my mind wanders, it's what I go back to.
H has said numerous times that he is through with the relationship with OW and is committed to our M. I have said that I want to believe that, but don't know how I can at this point. With respect to the baby, he is willing to and wants to pay his share of its expenses, and wants to have some right to see the baby. I have told him that I support him paying his share of expenses, but that any visitation would have to be on my terms, as would any communication with her.
H told OW that this is what he wanted and she told him that if he didn't want to divorce me and be with her that she didn't want him in the child's life at all -- no financial support, no seeing the baby. Oh, and I found her baby registry on-line -- she is having a girl. That gives me some small measure of satisfaction -- we have a boy and 2 girls and I know that H had hoped for a 2nd boy when I was pregnant with our youngest. As bad as the situation is, I am just happy that OW is not giving him the second son that he had wanted. Anyway, if OW maintains her position, H will have to take legal action to establish paternity and ask for visitation. There is a part of me that wishes he would just accept her terms and get her to sign a release acknowledging that she wasn't seeking money or visitation, but I know in my heart that isn't fair to the baby or H. I would welcome a paternity test as I'd like to know for sure if this baby is actually H's. But, I told H he'll have to fund any legal action by selling a motorcycle (he has 3 very expensive bikes) or other personal property of his own that I don't care about, as that money is not going to come out of money that is supposed to go towards taking care of my kids.
All of your advice is very rational -- I am just struggling to maintain rationality right now. I definitely agree about rule-setting and working on the relationship now. I don't have any idea how to come up with an acceptable way to handle visitiations once the baby is born -- it is complicated by the fact that OW lives 3 hours from us, and H travels for a living (he's a pilot), so it will be difficult to schedule visits, and (right now) I am not at all comfortable with him going there alone. On the other hand, I am sure OW wouldn't want me there for visits, and I'd hate to miss time with my own kids while chaperoning H.
I have kept up a great front for the kids -- I am pretty sure they have no idea that we are having such a rough time right now. We are scheduled to go to a Retrouvaille weekend this coming weekend. I am really hoping that we can make some positive strides toward strengthening our relationship -- I am a little afraid that I am putting too many eggs in that basket. I feel that if I can't find a way to forgive him, I really can't work on the relationship. And while I want to believe that he is now committed to our M, I have no idea how to start trusting him or believing him again. Still haven't told my family and have only told 1 friend about our situation, though my mom and dad now know that SOMETHING is up as they are watching the kids while we go to Retrouvaille, and they are aware that it is a program for troubled marriages.
Anyway, I guess I am doing ok on a day-to-day basis, but I still haven't decided what to do in the long run. Also, no bites on the job search front for me, which continues to be discouraging.
Sorry for the long post - it feels good to write things down, though.
Will try to check in on others' situations later today.
