I've followed your trials for awhile. I know you're like a fly caught in a spiders web but you've got to get away and get some objectivity to your relationship.
"What a fool sees, he believes.", is an old saying. Take off the rose coloured glasses.
If you had a brother and he came to you with your story what advice would you give him? Think that way. You are your best friend and you need help.
As a total novice I'd say your wife is suffering from NPD because she is totally involved in her own feelings. Sure she can't see how you'd forgive her but she really doesn't care since she has you in her bed and her lover on call.
Now she's willing to end a life for this piece of crap a world away.
You're your best friend. What advice do you have for yourself in this situation?
I went out for a long ride today with my youngest D on our horses....and my mind kept wandering back to you and your sitch.
Firstly, I was thinking about DB and how it is all about doing what works and not doing what doesn't.
Well in your sitch GH what has always worked is you following your own route and leaving your W to see if she will follow.....and she has. Somehow she KNOWS when you are putting your foot down and when she can call your bluff.
To me this whole preganancy thing is her having a hold over you. She keeps saying 'jump' and you grumble but by repeatedly going back to her you are ultimately saying 'how high?'
I do not believe for one instance she will abort this baby. Firstly due to her age. Secondly, although legally she is still able to, many places would balk at aborting a child of this gestation without a health problem for either the mother or the baby. It is hard enough for the staff to terminate a pregnency at this stage knowing there is a problem with the baby....to do it with a healthy child is something they will try to avoid. Thirdly, she would have to explain to her family why she was doing it. She is playing with you and she is being cruel. Preganacy should be a happy time to be celebrated....not a thing to use as a method of bribing someone and torturing them.
I agree with New Horizons....I would say your W is narcissistic. The baby may change that for a while...but she needs therapy and NOW. Give it two more weeks and she will be feeling that baby moving inside her....that may make a diference. However, I would play it very cool with her when she talks about the preganacy....don't be all gooey about it etc. Be matter of fact. Don't play her games....don't let her know you want the child. Don't let her know that you are going to be her support in this venture bacause she just seems to assume that you will be. Let her doubt if you will be there.
OM has made it clear that he does not want your W if she has your child. So what will she do? either she will buckle down with you and stay.....and to be honest I think she has made that decision, or she will have the baby and then leave it with you whilst she goes to OM. So you get to have your baby either way. I can't really see her abandoning her baby to be with OM, because whatever she may say now, once she holds that child in her arms she will not want to let go.
As an aside, if she has your baby and then leaves it and runs to OM just what does that say about her as a person.....and long term what will it make OM think about her. In my sitch my H's OW was willing, (and in fact did leave her children), to try and get my H to leave me.....and after the thrill of thinking he was so special that she would leave her own kids for him, he started to think about what a hard faced b!tch she must be in order to do that.
SO, do you want to live your life with her forever winding you up? My guess is not. SO find your balls now and put your foot down. Don't pander to her. Leave for now....let her do the running....it's what attracts her to the OM, let it work for you to.
I know that you have indicated that in the past you were verbally abusive to her etc. Well, that's the guy she fell for isn't it? Not the guy who bends over backwards to her. I am not saying do a full reversion to type 1, but at least get your bite back, otherwise this woman will continue to milk you dry emotionally....and once the baby arrives, financially.
You need to get hard young man. Think about it. That's if you even think this game is worth playing any more at all. It may be time to cut your losses and run....she does seem like poison from your descriptions.
The decision is yours and all you can do is consider what we all type here.
FWIW, I knew you would meet her at the aiprport and that just showed her exactly who was in control - shame on you GH - you played into her hands yet again.
BTW, being a godparent to your niece is a completely different thing. Your R with her family is separate to what you think of your W. If you respect and love her family you go ahead and be godparent. If they are only asking you because you are your W's H and you are not sure then refuse.....and tell them exactly why. Say that perhaps OM should be the godparent. Stop hiding your W's secrets....you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
GH - please excuse my typo's in my previous post.I was in a hurry but I wanted to get my point over to you!!!!!!!
Stop being so darned predictable to your W. That child might not even be yours and so you should not let it sway your decision. Your W doesn't seem bothered by who the father is does she?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I would like to offer some unsolicited advice: quiet your mind, find your center and then listen to your heart and your gut. Go some place where you feel safe, I mean go there physically. Sit there, quietly. When you think you know what you need to do, sit some more, quietly. You cannot make decisions amid all the chaos swirling around in your life right now...no one could.
My advice may sound squirrelly, but it has worked for me during some of the most chaotic times in my life. I have been astounded by the clarity of mind that comes when one sits quietly, alone, in a safe place, listening to one's deepest self. I have found, in my life, that I have often already had the answers, there was just so much "noise" I could not hear myself.
I like Saffie's advice. If her strategy is correct, you get to have this baby either way. I think that's probably what is eating you inside the most and why your pandering so much to her. I know the most valuable thing that came from my failed M was my Son and I thank God for him every day. I'd walk through the same fire again if I knew he would still be my S at the end.
As a Father, I can see how difficult your situation is. You have a very difficult balancing act to maintain until this baby is born. Afterwords, you'll have more power over the situation. She does sound like the type that would give over the baby to you willingly. I wish you the best.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Thanks for posting and hanging in there for me here.
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FWIW, I knew you would meet her at the aiprport and that just showed her exactly who was in control - shame on you GH - you played into her hands yet again.
I agree. I am ashamed that I went to the airport to meet my W - curiosity got the better of me but I should have remembered I'm the proud owner of a pair of nuts.
W has tried to avoid getting into a discussion about the topic but I rang her sister and her husband to pull out of the christening. I wrote to them saying that W had been having an affair for 18 months, had gone to England to spend time with her adultery partner, I planned to separate from her, and that attending the christening was not something that I in good conscience could do. Her husband understood but W's sister got back in touch saying that she really wanted me to be a godfather to her daughter, that her 2 month old daughter needs a godfather and they thought I was the "best candidate". W also said I "should go" but my decision had nothing to do with her. So I went. In the reception afterwards everyone was congratulating W on the pregnancy. W avoided alcohol during the event as she did at dinner the night she got back, played with her nephews and mentioned that she has an ultrasound appointment this Wednesday at 9:30am. She would like me to go.
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BTW, being a godparent to your niece is a completely different thing. Your R with her family is separate to what you think of your W. If you respect and love her family you go ahead and be godparent. If they are only asking you because you are your W's H and you are not sure then refuse.....and tell them exactly why. Say that perhaps OM should be the godparent. Stop hiding your W's secrets....you have nothing to be ashamed of.
And I am not ashamed that I did this. All of her family know what took place last week.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Well, it looks like the addict had her fix for a little while, and now she is back to life as usual. Playing the good little wife and mother to be. OK, so maybe not everyone is buying her act. But she believes she is putting on a good show.
She has 6 months that she could be getting mental health therapy between now and when she will face her next crisis: should she leave after the baby is born? What steps are being taken to get her some psychological help?
I have looked at the Wikipedia article for NPD and my W ticks all of the boxes. She also ticks a lot for borderline personality disorder as well. She has had two nose-jobs done since I met her, even though I told her she did not need to get them done - it wouldn't make me love her more.
I have not brought up the psychological help thing with her - in light of recent things she has said it would probably be fruitless.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
