It's MY life now!!!........

[dl443322]

Sorry it has come to this, Sweetie. I am not far behind. It's ok to feel sad. This isnt what you want. But really, there is nothing you could do about it.

Do something nice for yourself today. Remember what a special lady you are. It really is his loss and one that he will feel one day.

Keep moving forward. Hang in there.

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, it appears my "stand" is at an end, and now it's gonna get very ugly. Found out today that we have someone interested in buying dream property. H refuses to sell and "loose the potential for equity to build"......yet he want insists on the D for "closure" even though that forces me to sell out my interest in the property and "loose the potential......" I had asked him recently to please sell the property if we could because that was the only really "fair" and honorable thing to do........It's all complicated but the bottom line is we had a huge melt down and now all bets are off......

I know I won't sleep tonight at all.......

[cire2]

Hi SC,

I have only posted once but i've followed a bit of your sitch. I hope you don't mind my input but if so please disregard, ok.

As far as your stand goes it sounds like feelings haven't changed a lot just the dynamics concerning upcoming decisions. Isn't that normal? I only ask that because the meltdown sounds normal considering...

I would suggest that you ask yourself how you would take the next part of this journey if you knew the outcome. If you knew there would be a reconciliation would you go about your business the same way as if there wasn't going to be one? Can you stand up for yourself and yet give in and compromise?

These are the hardest times and decisions because we seem to base them on "what ifs". If this then that but if H does this then that....

Like your early posts on this thread suggest, moral integrity.

I wish you the best and ask you to remember that our futures are not written for us to read, but live and remember later.

cire

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, cire2, for your sharing your insight and support with me! And yes, I am a habitual worry wart and am a pro at what I call "future f*cking". My Dad used to tell me to plan for tomorrow but live for today. I have tried to do that, but the last couple years have challenged me in ways I never expected. I know I've grown a lot, but I do still get into these mental grooves that are very hard to snap out of sometimes.

Anyway......current status in brief: didn't sleep last night as I knew I wouldn't. Started day planning to call lawyer and tell her to file for D and ask for dream property. Spoke to H several times over course of day (both him calling and me calling). Calm discussions at some points intersperced with some very heated altercations.

In the end, what it came down to for me is that I have never in the 28 years I have been with my H did anything to knowingly hurt him. I have hurt him I know of course, but never knowingly. And I do not want to start now. That is not who I want to be. Through my whole sitch I have tried very hard to "take the high road" and follow my own moral compass regardless of any hurt I have felt. I have not spied on him, or harassed him. I have on occaision had emotional meltdowns like last night and this morning, but even then, I always come back to the bottom line that I want to do what is right and keep to my own values. I have never wanted to be vindictive or greedy, and it's not about trying to win H back, but because of the person I want to be, and I want my children to see.

So, after everything, in the end I called H back and told him that I have never knowingly hurt him and never will. I told him that my part in getting that dream property was a gift of love, and I would not fight him on that any more. My love for him was without limits. I won't go in to everything else. But that is the basic gist. I'm stepping back, letting him go. He thanked me for the call and said he didn't know what else to say. He said he would call me in a few days and I asked him not to, but to respect my space and e-mail me if needed.

Some here may worry about whether I am "knuckling under" to him and have concern about protecting myself. I won't go in to all the other details, but suffice to say that I have a good lawyer and I will do the best I can and then hope that H lives up to what he has said he will do (it's a complicated mess with the bankruptcy that I could never explain on this board). If H lives up to what he says he will do, I should come out of this very well financially. If not, I am really no worse off than I am now if I were to file for D now and chose to make it a battle. It does require a certain leap of faith, but it is what it is.

So, I have lived and acted by my principles, loved him unconditionally to the best of my ability, and set him free. It hurts.....but I am OK. I will make it through this.

And VH (if you're reading this), if you haven't been snapped up by some lucky lady by the time I'm ready to venture out into the "dating arena", I'm gonna fly down there and take you out myself, sweetie!!! Consider yourself warned!!

[cire2]

It does require a certain leap of faith, but it is what it is.

faith, a very good word, let it envelope you.

A very poignant post, I have done the same in the past and I feel better for it. I'm sure you will also!

cire

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, ((cire2)), for your continued encouragement.

I had a pretty good day today actually. Last night I had ruminated about some concerns regarding logistics of H's and my split. So, I called him this morning to talk about it even though I handn't planned on talking to him again for a while. We ended up going back and forth via phone and e-mail a few times but it went well on the whole. We still have concerns and issues not agreed on, but I'm comfortable that we at least understand and respect each others position. We will need to get it ironed out with the lawyers.

It was strange but we even joked a little regarding the possibility of him re-marrying. We were talking about maintaining insurance and wills as is for the duration of the legal seperation (agreed on legal sep instead of D at least 2 years, but up to 5 years) He said something like "What happens if I remarry somebody 20 years younger than me.....?" to which I replied that he hooked up with "some chippy"......and he piped in and said "She's not a chippy unless she's 25 years younger". I had to laugh and I was amazed that I could laugh while discussing his possible remarriage.

This is what I said at the tail end of my last e-mail to him tonight.....

.....someday, you're gonna have to explain to me why it is that, during our marriage, I always tried to get you to go out and do things and you wanted to stay home and yet now, as I understand it, your lifestyle is much more in line with what I always wanted (going out several nights a week, etc.) but you balked at it and yet you walked away from me to do it. It just boggles my mind, H. It makes no sense. And you talk about remarriage and joke about getting a woman 20 years younger than you, and contend nobody will date you if there's not the possibility of marriage, but you're living with somebody!!??? Mind you, I am smiling now as I write this. I don't mean to lecture or criticise you here at all. It just seems comical sometimes. I'm shaking my head, but I'm smiling. :-)

And I'm sorry for getting mushy here, but I want you to know that I mean it when I say that I am thankful and proud of you for having gotten the courage to say you were unhappy and walk away. I know I would not have "woken up" otherwise. In the past year I have learned so much about myself and I am stronger than I ever realized. And my real love for you was buried underneath my fear. Fear of being alone, of being abandoned, of being unworthy!! I know now that love is really unconditional. I know now that one really can't love unless you love yourself because if you don't love yourself, then you rely on others to provide that validation for you and when they fall short, as all humans do, then it's crushing because you don't have the emotional currency inside yourself to withstand it. That puts unbearable pressure on the other person and is unfair.

They say if you love something, set it free........ I am doing my best to set you free with love, and a true desire for your happiness.

You have said that your mother was right and that you were never meant to be a husband and father. Well, I completely disagree. You are a good man, and I believe that you have a lot of love to give. You always said that your parents couldn't teach you how to live with someone. Well, that's not so. They do teach whether they know it or not......by their example. And neither of us had very good examples of how to build a real healthy relationship. Your father would not even hold your mother's hand in the car, and we won't even go in to my family stuff. ...... not a good recipe for happiness. But, we did our best, and our kids know that we love them and that's all anybody can do.

H, please don't settle for somebody who doesn't truly love you and you love them in return, because it's "easier" or because you don't think that exists for you. I know that it does exist, and it's worth waiting for. You deserve that. And I want that for you. Really!

Anyway, take care and I hope you have a great Fathers Day with S18.

I'd be lieing if I said it doesn't break my heart to think about him in love with someone else (he says he doesn't love the woman he's currently living with). I do want him to be happy.......I'd much rather it was with me, of course, but I still want that for him.

I'm doing OK.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all!

Well, I am feeling pretty good today. No reply to my last e-mail to H, but I didn't really expect one.

I have often wondered recently if "standing" is really a choice. I mean of course we choose our actions. We could all go out and be sleeping around and/or trying to find a new partner. But I mean emotionally/mentally. I have always said if I could turn off these feelings with a switch I would. But then that brings me back to thinking how my H feels, and wondering if it's right of me to want him to choose to come back to me even if his heart is not in it.

It comes down to core beliefs I guess, and what I want to show my children and what I am going to wish I had done when I am on my deathbed (hopefully a long long way down the road). Each step in this letting go process is excruciating and hurts more than I ever thought I could hurt and still be alive! But I am content that I have done all I can do and I have let him go with love. I have kept my honor and prinicples (in spite of the multiple emotional meltdowns along the way) and I am proud of that. It is who I want to be. I have been honest with my H and he knows how I feel and where I stand. That is all I can do.

I know without doubt that I will love my H forever. I don't really know if I will find another love in the future, but I am open to that, although I am not actively looking for it.

I am really OK........I hope this feeling lasts!!

I'm thinking about going out dancing and to a casino with some friends tonight...

[job]

SC,
Go out and have some fun this evening...you've earned it.

When you least expect it, love will find you once again. You've been very honest w/your h and that's all that matters in the scheme of things.

SC, you are exactly where you should be right now on your journey. Do not question yourself...continue looking ahead!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, [[[[[Snodderly]]]]].

This is such a long and painful journey, but I know I have a lot to be thankful for. My H is still intent on moving in any direction that is away from me, but at least he seems to be sincere in wanting to treat me honorably in the D, and he has agreed to a legal sep for at least 2 years, so I can keep my benefits for now. If all goes the way it should (crossing our fingers) I should come out of this all very well financially. Money has never meant much to me and I'd much rather have my H in bed beside me at night. But, I know I'm still lucky.

I'm going to take a short nap before heading off to the casino! A disco band is playing there..... WooHoo! I'm gonna wear my red high heels!

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, it ended up just a girlfriend and I going to see this disco band at the casino tonight. We danced and had some fun (a lot of women on the dance floor but not so many guys). But when they did a slow song, it was all I could do not to cry.

But when they did "I Will Survive", I was definitely singing along and boogyin'!!!