Thank you Hopeful for checking on me....I have been very caught up in work related things and have not had much of a chance to write......and find that a lot of the times, I have nothing TO write. I am not trying to solve this mystery any longer....just hopeful that the story has not ended and there is more to come.
Tonight, I spoke to my sister and listened to her complain about her day. Sometimes life is just so crazy and funny! She has it all and yet, her day to day life is something she is NOT happy with....and I pray for her to find some peace and time so that she can spend a bit of it on herself. She is 9 yrs younger to me and I hope that her life is headed in a direction that allows her and her H to grow together.
Then, my best friend called. She is single and she just went on and on about "Is this all there is to life...please tell me there is more." I just did not say anything, bc I have no answers. I think it is important to form and maintain a relationship with self. I know that for sure right now bc at the end of the day that is the only control you will ever have in life....
After an hour of this.........I finally got off. And now 3 hrs later, I find myself in a panic. I do not have the house super clean and ready for my H's visit. I do not have groceries so that I can whip up his favorite dishes. I mean I am not sure, but why should I go out of my way for his visit. I am just going to play it by ear.
Should I wear my wedding ring in front of him? Is that telling him I'm still in and is that too much info to give him at the onset of his visit. I was thinking that I would give back the wedding ring.....our anniversary is coming up in 2 months....if he is inclined to keep working on this marriage, he can give it to me then....But, I don't know. That seems like a heavy move.
I am suddenly feeling panicked a little. I do have expectations of this meeting (which he is aware of)- to find out what he is thinking and why he wants this D in such a rush.......and to find out if he is willing to give the M some time - to be worked out or not - & we get the D in August.
Is that too much? Should I go get his favorite foods? Should I stay up tonight and clean and try to get the house as organized as possible?
The house is in decent shape......just not Martha Stewart great yet. And I have 2 tests that I have to study for - one of Tuesday and one for Wednesday....I just don't think I have time to spend on trying to make things "look" perfect for him. I have always been a very "perfect" housewife.......so hey, can this count as my 180??? HA!!!!
Ok. I feel better having written my crazy nerves out. I really need to start studying for one of the tests....so, will write again later........when panic hits again...
I also have an issue with the ring. When I'm wearing it, I start thinking why should I be wearing it because he could care less. So then I put it in my jewelry box for a while. Then I start missing it, and put it on again. He took his off a year ago when he started the ILYBINILWY thing. I was thoroughly caught off guard. Since then, wised up, found this sight, and found him to be the model MLC'r. It was amazing to read all the words here that he had been saying. Bomb was dropped six months later, and he filed ten days before Christmas. It was probably what Skank wanted for Christmas. Since then, we are still living in the same house ( him in the guest room ) with the divorce supposedly in process. He did his own paperwork, but I retained an attorney, as he didn't want me to have anything. Very out of character for him. My attorney couldn't get over how mean he was being. Living with him while this is going on is so hard. He's made no effort to move out. I feel that this is my home, he's the one that's messing up this marriage, and why should I move out. Did I mention how hard this is? LOL
As for buying them what they like to eat, go with what your heart is telling you to do. In my case, I still buy H his fav foods, because that is what feels right for me. I have always treated him with unconditional love, because I know the man I fell in love with and married is in there somewhere.
I also have a younger sister, we are ten years apart. She divorced her H, and they got remarried after a year apart. This was many years ago, and to look at them, you would think they were newlyweds. She has told me that sometimes a divorce has to happen just to clear the air.
I've done enough hijacking for awhile! LOL
I will continue to keep your father in my prayers. As for you, continue to stay strong. Remember we can't control the situation. If your marriage is what you want, show him someone he would like to come home to. Just my opinion.
Easy does it. The place does not have to be Martha Stewart approved. Have snacks, but not a full spread-evidence of too much planning might equal pressure to H.
I say keep it light, the whole time. This is the hardest thing to follow. I failed miserably about it when WAH and I used to spend time, then got better at it before the big chill. Let him take the lead on the R. talk. I know you need some answers, some direction, but honestly, if he does not bring it up...let him leave without it happening. If he doesn't initiate the talk, I think its best not to push him to. Push will result in him pulling away...wait until he climbs down off the fence in case the pressure causes him to feel he needs to jump to the side that you don't want to see him go to, just because he can't commit to R at this point. Have a code word, in your head. If you start to feel yourself get out of control...clingy, angry, pushing forward...say your code word to yourself and redirect.
Calm, cool, lighthearted, busy full life, confident. You ARE woman. But woman does not need to roar all the time.
Also, I think that helping him out with the plane ticket was nice.
Good luck, will be thinking of you. Report back!
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
OK....I will go inbetween.....have a few snacks available and not stress about it. It seems more normal.
Thank you mlj - for your response.....no worries....write as much as you are comfortable with...I am sorry to hear your H is being so mean and just unapproachable. That must be so painful and I just don't have an answer for that. Its unfortunate that they have to become jerks while already putting us thru such emotional turmoil.
Its so encouraging to hear about your sis....I wish them continued happiness....and my thought are with you as you go thru this unfortunate process yourself.
Remember (as I often forget) the journey in life is to better ourselves. Its up to us how WE utilize the people around us and the situations surrounding us .......to better our own journey.
As far as the "M" my H wants to come back to......My only plan is to be light and fun.
I like your idea - traveldane - about letting him take the initiative on the R talk. It takes the pressure off of me. Thanks for your response. I was worried about the plane ticket so it was nice to hear someone else's take on that. Although H gave me a very nice positive response.......I no longer trust the short term happiness or supposed positive responses from him......when I am so worried about our longeveity.....
But, I will take it easy and just relax and be happy that he is coming for a visit. Nothing heavy from me....I will listen and validate...Thanks for reminding me "I don't always have to roar!" I loved that!
I will report back. Hopefully, I will not have lost my cool or my sanity with his "explanation" or lack therof for the D.
But, I will take it easy and just relax and be happy that he is coming for a visit. Nothing heavy from me....I will listen and validate...Thanks for reminding me "I don't always have to roar!" I loved that!
I wish you the best of luck with your H's visit! Just be friendly... listen, validate, don't give advice unless he asks for it... put him at ease and try to have some fun! What kinds of things would you have done in the beginning of your R? And yes, no R talk unless he brings it up. If you start to lose your cool, excuse yourself to the restroom and get it back together.
As far as the wedding ring... I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to that. He'll probably notice, but wear it or don't based on how you feel, not for him or whatever impression he might get. Just for you. When I met my H last week, I wore my ring. But after he dropped the D bomb, I took my ring off and haven't put it back on. Doesn't mean I'm giving up, but our old M is dead. If we reconcile, it'll be a new M and I'd love to wear my ring again. But what you decide to do is completely up to you!
I just wanted to agree with other's comments. I know you want answers to some of the tons of questions you may have flying around in your mind, but I wouldn't initiate any R talk about these. I would let him bring that up if he wants to. When ever I have done this bc I felt 'I just had to get some answers', it always turned worse. When I don't initiate this, things go much better. It takes the pressure off of you for what to bring up, and he may feel pressured, and as taveldane said if he thinks you are pushing he will prob pull away more. Also think the code word thing is good, when I feel myself getting sucked into things I really have to bit my lip and think first.
I probably would have done the same thing with the flight too for my H. But then I think I would have done that for any friend that was coming to visit. I have been using that to measure what I do sometimes lately, I think would I do this for a friend? or how would I react if a friend were asking me? etc. I know we aren't 'friends' per se but it helps me rein it in if I am going over the top.
It hard to decide about the ring thing too. But like Mnt said, I just do what feels right. For a while I didn't wear it for lots of reasons, then some days I'd wake up and feel like I wanted to wear it. However, I didn't wear it when I went to meet H this week. It was a day I hadn't worn it to work or for myself so I decided I wasn't going to put it on just bc I was seeing him. I did what felt right for me.
I also love the story about your sister getting D and remarried, it gives me hope, and reminds me the future isnt all laid out already.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
I know how confusing it is, anticipating H's visit. I would agree with the others, and try not to initiate any R talk, although it will be hard. Regarding the food, I would just keep some snacks on hand and see how things go. You could always run to the store if you decide to cook something more elaborate.
One word of caution - if you enjoy having a glass of wine or two with dinner, be careful. The last time I saw my H, after my first glass of wine (on an empty stomach) I said some things I should not have said, which did not help the situation, in fact, probably hurt it. You need to have a clear head - I recommend refraining from alcohol consumption if possible.
Regarding the wedding ring, you just have to go with your gut feeling. Yes, technically you are married, but do you FEEL like you're married? After asking myself this question the other day, I stopped wearing my wedding ring.
Me: 48 H: 47 M: 16 years Separated: 4/24/09 3 cats, no kids My Story
It has only been 24 hrs and I think this is the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. I have to pretend that everything is fine and I have to pretend to be happy. He seems much more together right now than when I last saw him....6 weeks ago, when he handed me the papers.
He said he wants a normal couple of days before we get into R talk..... I don't know how to be normal. Are you kidding me....this is not one hour or 5 hours........this is I am living a "married life" knowing that in a day or so, I am going to have to go thru all the crap that I went thru 6 weeks ago. He is behaving very nicely......very sweet.......but, it is scaring me. He is not all over the place.....so, that just means that he has some answers and I am NOT a part of this solution.....He would have said something if I was.....
OH GOD.........I just don't know if I can bear another "ILYBINILWY talk". I just want to be put out of my misery one way or another.
I have no Idea what I am doing.....he is so sure of himself. I have been weepy......I'm trying, but damn!!!!!!!!!!
He is being very understanding.........it is really freaking me out!
I haven't really followed your sitch, but there's nothing that says you have to follow HIS agenda. If he has something to say to you, and you are anxious about it, then tell him you want to sit down and talk about it now.
I want to do that. But, everyone has told me to NOT bring up the R talk with him........to let him bring up the topic and then talk. I am not sure I can make it. That's the problem. I have not seen him and barely spoken to him in the last 6 weeks. Now everything is supposed to be like "we are friends"........Its just too much. I just feel like sobbing and sobbing and this is just too painful..........
Why should I prolong my misery? Let face it he is holding all the cards here. I am holding the card with my name on and I can control I will repond to what he is throwing my way....but, really other than that...he is holding the cards.
My sitch in a nutshell is that H and I have been living separately for 6 months now. He left for a job. Three months ago things got to the point where he stopped communicating. I thought he needed space and so I gave it to him. 2 months ago he tells me over the phone that he is thinking about a divorce. I had a graduate level exam in 2 weeks and he said he would come after that and spend a week or more with me to figure things out. He came 2 weeks later, with D papers in hand. He left in 3 hours and the D will go thru early August. This is the first I am seeing or talking to him since that day 6 weeks ago.
Thanks for the reply....I am feeling so lost right now. I needed an objective voice!
