I agree with you... Wear pretty and be pretty with no expectations whatsoever. And, be pretty for yourself, every day, for no reason other than it makes you feel great. Because that's who you are--pretty, sexy Lala.
Perhaps push yourself on eye contact and smiling with your H, and when you're comfortable with that... push yourself a little further!
Well, H asked to see what I bought, and I showed him (No I didn't model it, but I did hold up a bra right to me. I even did a little shimmy!) He said he liked it and asked me to wear one thing in particular this weekend. (wooHoo!) He also told me to go do more shopping and find a couple date night outfits that made me feel good.
Then he sat down with me and told me he was so sorry for having his prioroties in the wrong place and not paying attention to me like he should. He pointed out that we have ML 3 times in two weeks and he is trying (See Lucky- you were right!) I said he really is trying and I see that he is making that effort and he is making me very happy. I thanked him for trying. I told him that it was not his FAULT or mine, but that we were just different, and I apologized for being so mad. He said, no, really he had not been doing what he needed to do for our relationship. (He said he realized a few things when he saw the C a couple weeks ago.) We were havin a little smootch or two (nice!)
He said he's not sure we really need to see the therapist, but I said I still want to go. I wasn't sure if this is him trying to back out of the work and possible discomfort of MC, or if in that moment, he really felt that things would be so easily worked out that we would not need help. We were feeling very bonded and close in that moment. He said he thought that we were meant to be together, and I so totally agree with that (and I told him so!) We really are just perfect together with the exception of this one thing (which is why I married him anyway, knowing that this was a problem.)
The one moment I think I may have pushed too far was at that point I said I wanted us to be able to relax and have fun and talk to each other (about our sex life.) That was just too much for him, and he basically said he's not a talker in any situation, much less this one. He said not to expect that to change. I pointed out that I wanted to know what he enjoyed and how he felt, but he was pretty stuck in the idea that this would not ever change. I tried to ease the situation by saying we were on a road making progress and we'll come to that later, but his face kinda fell and he seemed discouraged at that. It's challenging, cause he is trying and I want to give him credit where it's due, but I don't want him to think that increasing the number of times we ML in a month is all there is to it. I kissed him and thanked him again and thought that maybe more words would just make things worse, so I went to finish bathing the kids. When we went to bed, we had a little snuggle and lots of non-sexual talk. Overall, I am feeling good about everything, just a little worried that I pushed a bit too much.
I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am to all of you, especially you Lucky. You are all so encouraging, and really keeping me in a positive frame of mind. I think that a lot of the happy smiling faces that I am able to show him are there beacuse of your encouragement.
Wow! I am so impressed with how quickly your sitch has progressed. Your H is paying attention. He realizes that he can't avoid it any longer, and he is also taking accountability for the pain that his avoidance has caused you. Very mature on all counts.
Good move to back off on the "talking" discussion. He is clearly uncomfortable with opening up in that way. I would recommend that you simply talk about it yourself when it seems right. Don't ask questions, just tell him what you liked or what you'd like to try. Put it out there and let it hang without expecting anything in return. He'll likely come forward and fill that space naturally. So, don't talk about it anymore, just take the steps to stimulate "talk" when you're ready for it. I think he will grow more comfortable with the talk that you wish for in a natural way with no pressure.
I'm SO excited for you!
How romantic... Him telling you to go and buy a couple of date outfits that make you feel good. He took the lead and encouraged you to be the sexy woman that you are. He embraces YOU in all your glory and wants to meet you there.
I would advise you to NOT let him worm the two of you out of counseling. It take *months* (if not years) of work to fix a broken marriage, and a counselor is the best way to keep both of you on track and working the issues. The counseling sessions may be uncomfortable for him, and make him squirm and try to wriggle out of them, but they are *vital* to the process.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
The quick version: I pushed gently, drew back once it became counterproductive (eg, he became defensive or angry,) and then gave him some breathing room to process what was discussed. I had to break a pattern of just staying silent and waiting after I would push and he would promise that things would get better. Not always with another "push," but sometimes with flirtation or subtle reminders. It is important that you read your own unique situation and make wise judgements about which action to take at what time.
In my sitch, my H didn't begin to keep his promises of being proactive about change until I had a very important discussion about our marriage being at stake. Robx's post in this forum (found here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1754085&page=1) triggered me to say absolutely everything I needed to say before I allowed myself to detach any further from the marriage.
Of course, *how* you communicate is of the utmost importance (make it about "us," not just "me," coming from a place of "I love you" (even though you may have tremendous resentment.))
Please start your own thread so that we can examine your history and discuss possible pitfalls or suggestions for a new approach.
