Newbie - first post and ?s

[Faith2010]

Giving - Thanks for the advice on NOT contacting OW. I needed to hear that cause my friends think I should and I was teetering back and forth. I come here for the sound advice.

[Gardener]

I told H to tell OW to get on here if she wants to save her marriage. I'm sure he hasn't as I believe in his mind's eye, he sees them 'together' one day. OW is on facebook and I could send her a message, letting her know about this website and the books etc... But that's a bad idea, right?

Whoa, Ashlee. I'm no expert, but I think that's a terrible idea.

1) I'm reading this as you told H about DB? So he knows about it and that you're on here and he can see what you're saying/planning and the sage advice you're being given?

2) You're pondering giving the same access to OW?

Knowledge is power. Keep Db to yourself/for yourself.

my $.02

[Faith2010]

Thanks Gardener. Giving also told me not to. I won't. My thinking was if she would work on her M, she'd leave my H alone. But that won't change what he's doing...he'd just find someone else.

H does know about this. I had told H about it last Sunday morning when he wanted to know why I was so calm and not 'interrogating' him again. I also have the DR book from the library. It sits on my nightstand when it's not in my hand. Am I supposed to be hiding it?

This morning H is on his laptop and says to me "I'm not going through a midlife crisis." I inquired as to what he was speaking about. He read off of some things, indicating they did not describe him. (Although one was affair to which I gently said he was having an IA but he just shook his head no). But the rest of it was crap. I asked him to look up a different site. He did and found this:
* Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided them with happiness for many years.
* Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before.
* Feeling a need for adventure and change.
* Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.
* Confusion about who they are and where they are going.
* Anger at their spouse and blame for feeling tied down.
* Unable to make decisions about where they want to go with their life.
* Doubt that they ever loved their spouse and resentment over the marriage.
* A desire for a new and passionate, intimate relationship.

[Faith2010]

I don't know what I did but I posted the last one before I was done. The website also had the following:

"Whether there are external factors that make the process more difficult or not, there is an internal process that is gone through. If a person lacks understanding of the process, they may find themselves making irrational decisions they may later regret. Decisions such as leaving a job, divorcing their spouse and throwing away the security that they have built up during the first part of their life."

After I read it, I did not say a thing and walked away. H did not say anything either. It describes him perfectly. After that, he turned off his computer and is currently lying in bed. Is this a positive step or am I reading into it?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Don't try to "read" him, or into things that he says or does. It'll only make you batty.

I think labels sometimes hinder progress, and many people don't even BELIEVE in "mid-life crisis." Better to follow the DB techniques, and work on yourself, and WHATEVER it is that's causing his funk, it needs to be HIS problem.

Puppy

[Gardener]

Ash, Does he know you're posting and that you are Ashlee (if that's not your real name)? If so, you may want to change your username and start a new thread/thread name (we'll find you).

I would hide the book, for sure. H is ex-military and you're giving him access to your strategic plan?

MLC? You know it. He (probably) knows it. And if he doesn't, you are wasting valuable energy that should be spent on working on you trying to convince him or "prove" it.

Closing a laptop and lying down in bed. Is that a positive step? All I would know for sure is that it's closing a laptop and lying down in bed.

Keep reading. Read, read, read, girl

[Faith2010]

You're right Puppy. It's just so hard...waiting for the day he'll say (hopefully) - I want to be married, I want to work it out. I am focusing on myself and my S but it's difficult not to analyze what he does/says. Kind-of like looking for those 'signs' - which is talked about in DR.

[Faith2010]

lol Gardener...you are right too! What more is there to closing the laptop and lying in bed, huh?

I don't know if he knows I am posting on here. He just knows I found a website. No worries about my username, it's not my name and has no 'ties' to anything in my life. Just something I pulled 'out of the air'.

Okay, the book will be hidden. Didn't think about the strategic plan. Thank God I have you guys!

[Gardener]

Thank God I have you guys!

I agree! Thank God I have you guys!

And from my vantage point you, Ashlee, are part of my "you guys".

[Serenity13]

Hey Ash...

I have finally had some time to go over your posts (thanks for coming by mine) and give or take a couple of months, yours started just like mine with an EA/IA....Started on Facebook...Old g/f from 28+ years ago (8th grade)...Next thing you know they are texting/phoning all day and into the night...Then moved onto a PA...It sucks and some days I feel like someone reached inside and ripped my insides out however listen to Puppy...He has been magnificent with me and has stopped me from doing some stupid things...Don't read into anything (I am so guilty of this! You are looking for "crumbs" and you deserve better). (((Hugs)))