I, too, applaud your resolve. It will be hard to cut off her excuses and not fall for her silver tongue, but you will be cutting years of torture out of your life by making the move now. You are the winner GH, if you get her out of your life.
I am realising just how poisoned my life is at the moment as a result of battling for my marriage and having her in it, like toxic waste has flooded it. I have been speaking to either my mother, sister or father every day for emotional support and working as hard as I can. I feel more focussed at work than I have done for a very long time - trying to channel my die-hard, competitive nature into my work.
These words jumped out at my as I read your thread... Though my situation differs from you in terms of intensity, I recognize your wife's erratic behavior - and when I separated from my STBX I had that same realization of just how toxic my life had become through my interactions with her.
One thing that really helped me with my perspective on my (failed) marriage was a comment from my T - he reminded me of the Stanford experiment - in which students were given the costumes of guards and criminals and eventually started playing the roles defined by their costumes...Similarly, he said, my STBX had cast me in a role that I had taken on all too willingly - and I had lost some of myself in that role, and I had allowed myself to play into her toxic drama on a daily basis...once she was out of my life, I found that there wasn't any anger or tension around me - seriously, none, and I remembered how much I could laugh and enjoy my life.
It was a painful, horrible process akin to leveling a building to put up a new structure, but I see now how necessary it was for me...it also made me realize the extent to which I was trying to understand why I was abused as a child by trying to love someone who could not help but be abusive of my love for her. The worse she treated me, the more I loved, until I finally understood that I could not understand the abuse from a loved one by trying to understand the loved abuser's behavior...rather, I had to recognize my own self worth and know that no one had a right to treat me the way she did.
I met W at the airport this morning (got into town by metropolitan rail). She spent a few days with OM and with another friend of hers. She admitted to having sex with OM whilst being pregnant with my child. her wedding ring was not on for the first time in about 6 months.
I calmly nodded and that was it. She said "It's probably in your best interests to leave as I could not forgive that. I don't want to see you continuously getting hurt". It turns out that OM wants W to abort the baby and to go to him. W said she "doesn't want" to do this and addded that "OM doesn't want your baby GH31". W said OM even went out on a date while she was there with someone else and he said to W "it's in your hands".
God, I cannot even believe that I am writing this stuff. I cannot, cannot believe it. When I'm in her company, the thought of being without her is just horrible but when I'm by myself I think of all the horrible stuff she has done.
I have to believe that there is a better life than this. I will move out and have made some arrangements - even if I have to stay in a hotel to start with whilst I look for a new place. It looks like W means to go to this OM, or is looking for an excuse but my gut tells me that she still loves me and wants me in her life. She balked when I suggested I don't be her niece's godfather at her baptism tomorrow.
Anyway, that doesn't matter. It's time to get out.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
I had thought you said you were not going to be at the airport? Did something change?
I would absolutely not go to the baptism. Seriously, she admitted to sleeping with OM while pregnant with your child, and she doesn't think it appropriate that you refuse to participate in a religious ceremony with her and her family??
I am so sorry this happened, it is terrible for you, knowing you have a child on the way and she is your wife. However it is not all that surprising given her track record. I don't say that to be cruel. My H and I are separated but still married, still, if I found out he was with another OW I would be sad but not deeply shocked at this point. Which is why we are not together...
Please, please do not go to the baptism. That should be a special day for that family and free from the 'drama' your W brings with her...
You must be somehow brainwashed to even contemplate being with this woman. She wants to abort you baby!!!! and OM willl take her back after all this?
They are deranged. Either that or OM is telling her this and once she acts on it will tell her exctly where to stick herself - I would if I were him. Maybe time to contact him again?
Please remove yourself from this madness.
BTW - why DID you meet her and why are YOU the one moving out?
You know you have to end this, How could you ever believe anything this woman ever tells you....and even if you did stay with her? After what she has just said and done she knows that if you do stay with her you are her doormat for life. She will do this to you over and over again.
IMO meeting her at the airport was a huge mistake. Pregnant or not she can carry her own bl**dy bags - esp if she values this baby enough she is contemplaring aborting it....which by now will mean going through a full labour - nice. Your W sounds like one real nasty piece of work. I am so sorry for you GH. You have faced your faults whereas she just seems to think she is justified in her actions. The two things will never add up to a happy, loving relationship....and just think what sort of a toxic life that would be.
It is obvious 'your' baby was not made from love but from your W's lustful need to try and keep you on side whilst she continued to play eany, meany, miney, mow.....and guess what.....you lost. What a b!tch....esp when there is another life at stake.
If I read right earlier, your W has already had a miscarriage. If she is willing to lose another baby after going through that it just shows how uncaring she is.....or are all these threats to abort just that? Just ways to twist the knife a bit more? Either way, she is just down right sick.
I am saddened you even went to meet her GH.
((((HUGS))))
You have my greatest sympathy. You must have one of the most heard hearted , deranged, narcissistic, S's on this board. You need to amputate her like a limb with ganggreen (sp?).
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
GH31, Your situation continues to echo so much into what I've experienced with my STBX...and while my situation differs in many ways - some of the dynamics are just all too familiar...
One thing I might offer from my own experience is that in the end, or as we finally started the process toward the end, I had to accept my STBX for who she is - and also allow her the journey she had to take in her life. I loved her intensely - and have only recently felt that love wane to a feeling of confusion - one which has me ask myself quietly, why did I feel so much for this person? But the point is that I had to let go of her - not just for her sake - but for my sake as well. There are reasons, many reasons, we entangle ourselves in the lives of others - and sometimes those reasons can be sorted out and mended, but other times, it's best to see that the personal history that brought us to a particular person was just inevitable - and that something about our lives made loving a particular person seem necessary and even urgent. It can certainly feel like an addiction - and it can feel impossible to consider a life without that person - but, at the risk of sounding like I don't believe in love, knowing that we can live without someone is both healthy and necessary...and if we feel so attached to someone that we can't imagine being without them - no matter how terribly they treat us - than there must be something in that love, in that need, in that compulsion that reflects an unhealthy urge from our past.
I don't think we'll always know what motivates that unhealthy urge or drive - but I think it is always possible to identify it when it happens - and then we have to make the brave, difficult choice of rebuilding our lives based not on the abuse someone visits upon us, but on the genuine feeling of self worth we discover once that person is out of our lives.
Your W is not in a good place - in fact, I think she's suffering a lot and probably miserable - there's no way someone could find any happiness through her actions and her state of mind - but there is nothing you can do for her - nothing at all - other than to let her go and allow yourself to heal from what has become a destructive presence in your life.
I don't see your W as a bad person - but it does sound like she's very lost - and the pain in loving someone who is that lost is that there is nothing anyone can do for them - nothing at all - other than to love them without attachment. When I discovered in me the capacity to love enough to let my STBX go, I actually found myself again - it was process I was afraid to go through - a voyage I did not think I could undertake and come through in one piece...but I'm managing - and I'm finding, as you have, just how toxic my STBX had become to me and my life. In my situation the impact of her negativity was intensified by her behavior toward my older son...
Your story breaks my heart - and touches me deeply - but I am certain that you will be fine.
I can't believe I am dealing with this. I never guessed when I married W that she was capable of this - perhaps the only thing that kept a lid on it was my own verbal abuse, put-downs etc toward her. I went to the airport to hear her "explanation" I guess. She said "You never replied to my emails GH31. I wasn't sure if you would come." I shouldn't have gone - you're right. Why, why, why did I come back for more?
I really am in a state of denial about how sick this situation is - I must be. Else it would hurt so much more than it does.
I found out about OM's background last week. When he was very young his father left the family for an OW with a 5 year old daughter. Then as the daughter grew up his father took a shining to her, then eventually he left the OW for OW's own daughter.
Please help me here guys. I really need all the help I can get right now.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
