It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, ((cire2)), for your continued encouragement.

I had a pretty good day today actually. Last night I had ruminated about some concerns regarding logistics of H's and my split. So, I called him this morning to talk about it even though I handn't planned on talking to him again for a while. We ended up going back and forth via phone and e-mail a few times but it went well on the whole. We still have concerns and issues not agreed on, but I'm comfortable that we at least understand and respect each others position. We will need to get it ironed out with the lawyers.

It was strange but we even joked a little regarding the possibility of him re-marrying. We were talking about maintaining insurance and wills as is for the duration of the legal seperation (agreed on legal sep instead of D at least 2 years, but up to 5 years) He said something like "What happens if I remarry somebody 20 years younger than me.....?" to which I replied that he hooked up with "some chippy"......and he piped in and said "She's not a chippy unless she's 25 years younger". I had to laugh and I was amazed that I could laugh while discussing his possible remarriage.

This is what I said at the tail end of my last e-mail to him tonight.....

.....someday, you're gonna have to explain to me why it is that, during our marriage, I always tried to get you to go out and do things and you wanted to stay home and yet now, as I understand it, your lifestyle is much more in line with what I always wanted (going out several nights a week, etc.) but you balked at it and yet you walked away from me to do it. It just boggles my mind, H. It makes no sense. And you talk about remarriage and joke about getting a woman 20 years younger than you, and contend nobody will date you if there's not the possibility of marriage, but you're living with somebody!!??? Mind you, I am smiling now as I write this. I don't mean to lecture or criticise you here at all. It just seems comical sometimes. I'm shaking my head, but I'm smiling. :-)

And I'm sorry for getting mushy here, but I want you to know that I mean it when I say that I am thankful and proud of you for having gotten the courage to say you were unhappy and walk away. I know I would not have "woken up" otherwise. In the past year I have learned so much about myself and I am stronger than I ever realized. And my real love for you was buried underneath my fear. Fear of being alone, of being abandoned, of being unworthy!! I know now that love is really unconditional. I know now that one really can't love unless you love yourself because if you don't love yourself, then you rely on others to provide that validation for you and when they fall short, as all humans do, then it's crushing because you don't have the emotional currency inside yourself to withstand it. That puts unbearable pressure on the other person and is unfair.

They say if you love something, set it free........ I am doing my best to set you free with love, and a true desire for your happiness.

You have said that your mother was right and that you were never meant to be a husband and father. Well, I completely disagree. You are a good man, and I believe that you have a lot of love to give. You always said that your parents couldn't teach you how to live with someone. Well, that's not so. They do teach whether they know it or not......by their example. And neither of us had very good examples of how to build a real healthy relationship. Your father would not even hold your mother's hand in the car, and we won't even go in to my family stuff. ...... not a good recipe for happiness. But, we did our best, and our kids know that we love them and that's all anybody can do.

H, please don't settle for somebody who doesn't truly love you and you love them in return, because it's "easier" or because you don't think that exists for you. I know that it does exist, and it's worth waiting for. You deserve that. And I want that for you. Really!

Anyway, take care and I hope you have a great Fathers Day with S18.

I'd be lieing if I said it doesn't break my heart to think about him in love with someone else (he says he doesn't love the woman he's currently living with). I do want him to be happy.......I'd much rather it was with me, of course, but I still want that for him.

I'm doing OK.