First Timer

[Astimegoeson]

I hate to be the pessimist here, but sometimes this can take years. You can call this MLC, you can call this WAW, you can call it what you want. The fact is that this is a life transforming event your S is going through. Just like the transformation from toddler to teen or Boy to Man. You see the radical changes in their behavior and lifestyle, don't you? This isn't something that happens in terms of weeks or even months. It took a long time for them to get to this point and their not done with this transition, It's just that you finally noticed it. Sometimes the end result will leave you right where you are now... alone! Sometimes your choice, sometimes hers. This is not a defeatist attitude, this is a reality check.

Your obsessing over the results of your behavior when your focus should be on the aftermath of Hers. What is life going to look like for you personally if she doesn't come back to you? What is the relationship you'll have with your kids? How will you address future occupational opportunities? What will your living arrangements look like? How will you reorganize your finances? I know it's early in your situation, but I have to tell you from reading your description, you might be in this for the long haul judging from her behavior. Are you ready to face these questions? That's really the scariest part of this whole experience.... change. Sometimes I think life takes us out of that comfort zone of complacency for a good reason. That's a whole other discussion, but my point is, change happens whether we want it or not. The way we adapt will determine our success. Not just with our delinquent wives, but with our own future.

I will tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel as far as her behavior to you goes. It will lighten up at some point, but your going to have to give her a boatload of space and time for that to happen. Your going to need to start looking inside yourself . Don't get discouraged. If you start to refocus on what you can gain in the future as opposed to what you lost in the past, this hellish trip gets a whole lot easier.

[wolverine1997]

Made vacation plans with the kids today. Going to NYC for a few days. Didn't invite the wife but gave her the opportunity to invite herself. She didn't budge. I don't think she really cares if we go or not. But I think that I gotta keep doing these types of things without her. I am now doing things that she used to take care of, planning vacations and trips. I am also doing things around the house that used to be her areas of expertise. Seems as if she has lost all interest in family issues. Last week I ordered new windo treatments. She doesn't know yet. I had no idea what the heck I was doing. I called a shop and they sent a lady over to help me. They should be installed next week. My wife used to love doing that kind of stuff. Now she doesn't care about anything but herself and then the kids second. But I hope that as she sees me needing her less and less that she will start to think. I can't believe that I ordered window treatments. I really can't believe that I even used the words window treatments.

[wolverine1997]

Right now it is hard to see me gaining anything in this mess. It seems as if I am giving up everything and getting nothing in return. I am starting to develop a sense of peace with things. But that too is scary because I don't want it to turn into stagnant complacency. I have already made up my mind as to what I would do if things turn out for the worse. In the long run I know that I will be alright. To be honest I am more worried about her because I know that she doesn't really know what she is doing. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. If things totally go south I know that I will land on my feet. She on the other hand is going to hit rock bottom.

[Astimegoeson]

I am starting to develop a sense of peace with things. But that too is scary because I don't want it to turn into stagnant complacency.

This is where you need to be, so it's OK. It's not complacency and it's not giving up. You have no other choice but to get to this point until your W comes out of her funk. That is if she comes out of it. You still have the kids and your own well being to look after.

Enjoy your trip with the kids!

[givingitmyall]

Hey Wolverine, haven't heard from you in a while. Sounds like you are doing well - just where you need to be like astime said.

I have reached the same place where you are. Finally able to drop the rope.

I think you are dead on about you W not realizing what she is doing. Mine is the same way - completely convinced that she is right (that's not new), that the kids will be great cuz we are going to be best buddies (not so fast) and that she will be happier without me. I do not know if she really believes these things or that she has just convinced herself to trust that they will come true. In either case, I know she is headed for trouble. And, unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to stop that train wreck. That's one of the reasons why we have to let go and realize we are going to be ok in the end.

Hang in there man.

[GH31]

Hey Wolverine,

Thanks for dropping by my thread.

I am struck by what you write here:

She works but doesn't really contribute consistently to the household financially.

What does she do with her money then? Where does it go?

There used to be a time when she would die to go on vacation. Now all she cares about is her job.

Has she always done this type of job? Listen, I don't mean to spook you but have you ever suspected she might be having an EA (Emotional Affair) with someone at her workplace? Do no ask her directly but I would suggest doing a bit of digging around to determine whether an affair is in progress. You won't be able to stop it from happening but your approach to DBing will have to change in this case.

My wife has done many of the things that you refer to, i.e. acting like I don't exist. E.g. we took a a few trips to places last year and W said "I was in such and such place this last weekend" when we were takling to people. It's very tragic. Does she ever seem inexplicably happy or "high" in a brittle way, then really depressed the next?

Dig around and let us know how you are tracking.

[wolverine1997]

Thanks for the posts. I don't think she is having an EA. Ever since the assualt she has been somewhat anti-men, anti-sex, anti-me. As far as the money goes, she has never ever been able to budget. And she only makes a secretaries wage. After buying gas, getting her hair done, buying personal items, and paying on a credit card or other small bill, she is broke. One reason she hasn't left is because she can't afford to. I used to offer her money but not anymore. I let her do without. Now she will go weeks without getting her hair done and her cell phone is shut off. I will lend/give her money when she asks though. I want her to see what life is like in the real world.

[wolverine1997]

Wow, we must be married to the same woman! My wife says the same things. It's crazy! How can the kids be better off in a single parent household? Doesn't make sense to me. My wife also thinks that she will be better off. She has these grandiose dreams of going to law school and becoming a lawyer at her firm. I try to be encouraging but I just don't see her following through. In 19 years of marriage I have yet to see her even watch a movie all the way through. She never finishes anything she starts. She started taking a few prep classes but haven't gone back in about six months. I think that she is unhappy with herself and blames me for it.

[ShockedOne]

Gotta say GH, that sounds an awful lot like what I see. Living in a fog with fog babble at the same time too. What is with this drug like addiction to the EA's. I feel like I am married to an alien, or an alien abducted shell of what was once my wife.

[wolverine1997]

I really think that she is going through a MLC and she feels like her job validates her. She recently starting hanging with some old schoolmates who are career woman. Lawyers, business women, etc. After the assualt her self esteem hit rock bottom. And now I think she feels that a successful career will make her feel better about herself. She doesn't understand that she can't run from herself. All she is doing is hurting me and the kids. She feels that I have been holding her back all these years, while in reality I have been her biggest promoter. I think that she will have to hit rock bottom before she realizes what she is giving up.