Sorry the hear your H is not making your S a priority. I know that has to hurt. One of the things in my sitch that makes me upset is my W's "belief" the kids will be just fine if we D. I know she does not believe it, but it is from the WAS script. Just say that to offset their guilt.
Couple of points. First, all the DB'ing stuff is for you, not H. I would not tell him anything about any of it. If he were to read about it, he may view the changes in you as just a ploy to get him to stay.
Second, it sounds like you handled his night out very well. Just keep doing what you are doing. Don't let him bait you into an argument no matter what. Of course, do not become a doormat either. On that same front, I would not send OW any messages. If you do, I suspect it will just push your H to OW more.
Third, there are many of us here and all for the same reason - to do all we can do to save our M's. A very admirable cause. Some of us will, and some will not, but even those who will not will be better people in the end and will have a clean conscience. Unfortunately, whether it is a WAS or MLC, the leaving spouse is completely self-absorbed. All they can see is what is in their best interest, and all others be damned.
Through the DB methods, we LBS's make ourselves better people. While we are fighting for our M's, there is a fundamental understanding we must all reach - that we cannot control our spouses. Never have been able to, and never will be able to. So, all we can do is control ourselves by shedding bad habits and becoming great people. We all strive to work on ourselves for our next relationship because we cannot ever go back to the old one. Hopefully, the next relationship is a new one with our spouses, but that is completely their choice, and it may take some time for them to figure that out.
When I get down, I always think about what God's plan is in all this. One day, I realized that while God does not like divorce, he also does not want me to be alone the rest of my life. So, either God will bring my W back to me and we will creat a M that is so much better and stronger than what we had before or there is someone else out there who needs me more and who will allow me to be the happiest and most loved person in the world. I am not giving up on saving my M, but I know I should only concern myself with what I can control - me. Once you get to the point that you know you will be ok no matter what - and you will be ok - you will not fear D anymore. Once that fear is gone, H has no more control over you. It is very liberating and will give you peace.
I, too, never thought I would be in this boat either. Everyone I have told about my issues have all been shocked. We were the "perfect couple" whatever that is. But, this is what life has dealt me, and all of us, right now. We can either let it ruin us or we can buck up and overcome this. I choose the latter.
Hang in there. It is going to be a long and bumpy ride.
