Newbie - first post and ?s

[givingitmyall]

I completely understand. That is one of the tough parts about this whole process. But, teh book, and these boards, will help you get to a place where you will be able to let go of that issue. Doesn't mean it won't hurt. But you will be able to step back and look at M as an outsider almost. See the good and bad.

You will also be able to begin to appreciate yourself. You will realize you are worth loving and would be a great catch for someone. Whether that is your H or someone else is really up to your H. Again, you want to become someone only a fool would leave.

You will need lots and lots of patience. Then more patience.

If you are so inclined, prayer works wonders. I pray daily for strength, patience, peace, composure, and, oh, patience.

It will be a bumpy ride - God knows I am leanring that every day. What keeps me going is that one day, I want to be able to look my kids in the eyes and tell them I did everything I could to save my M. What my W will tell them, I do not know, and it is not my problem.

[Faith2010]

I guess this is one of those times times I need patience. Because my H is busy on the phone with OW (IA), he does not have time to talk to our S when he calls with a question. S knows why. This freaking kills me. How the he!! can H just drop his kid like that? He is continuing to lie. Last night H supposedly went to work but phone record indicates he was talking with OW then called in work for 2 minutes, then came home. I am so pissed right now...I would love to ream his a@@. I know I can't but my blood is boiling. I want to try to save M but seriously, at moments like this, I wonder why. I don't deserve this.

[givingitmyall]

Hey, no one deserves that treatment. But, the question is do you want to save the M. If you do, it isn't going to be easy - I am finding that out as well. And I hate to tell you, but it will get harder, a lot harder, before it gets better.

Unfortunately, we LBS's have to bear the burden of continuing to try to save the M, of shouldering all the responsibility for that right now. With that also comes some very difficult emotional times. It's ok to have those feelings of sadness, anger, resentment. Just have them away from H. Do you have a friend or family member you can vent to? Have you sought out a counselor for you?

Keep reading the book. How far along are you?

[Faith2010]

I'm on Chapter 2...trying to find time to read is difficult. I've got a good friend who is keeping me busy, hence, not having the time to read.

I don't have a counselor yet. I don't know anyone in the area and so far, and don't have any viable suggestions. I saw there is a chapter in the book on how to find a counselor...

How was your night out? Did W ask any questions?

[givingitmyall]

I enjoyed being out with my friend.

Unfortunately, W gave me the cold shoulder tonight. I asked about her day and she said it was "not good." Didn't ask anything more b/c she did not seem like she wanted to talk, and, dammit, I just didn't feel like talking to her.

Find time for the book. It is worth it, believe me. Before my sitch, I was never a self help book reader (like most men), but now, I am reading everything I can get my hands on to improve myself.

My take (which is only one of many here, and by no means THE authority) is that DB is about improving yourself. Make youself the best person, spouse, mother/father you can be. Along the way, you begin to realize that no matter what, you will be ok. And you will - I know that's hard to understand right now, but it is true. Once you realize you will be ok no matter what, the fear that paralyzes all of us at first, goes away or becomes manageable. That gives you freedom from what your H can control and inflict upon you.

[Faith2010]

I am making my way through the book. One thing that has stuck out to me is when she talked about making the same mistakes over and over, because you are so used to doing it. It's a real eye opener.

Last night H tried to get a rise out of me. Went to dinner with a friend and said he was going to a bar after. H has a history with alcohol and quit approx 4.5 years ago. Once in a while over the years, he'd ask "what if I started drinking again?" My answer, always the same, "you drink, we're done." Needless to say when I didn't give in to his baiting and told him to be careful and have fun, he got ticked off and left without a goodbye. Came home around 11pm, wanted to ML, I was asleep and too tired, did not and he left this morning without a word and hasn't contacted me all day.

This afternoon, I find a glass in the dishwasher which he bought home last night - it's a tall bud light glass. My mind is going around in circles. Did he drink or is he trying to make me think he did to get a rise out of me? Or maybe he wants to test me or push me away by drinking again. I am not planning on bringing it up. I'll ask if he had fun and how is his friend doing. Or should I not even ask those questions and wait until he says something? How do I respond if he says he drank? He'll know I'm lying if I act okay with it.

[Gardener]

I never in my wildest dreams thought he would do this to me. I don't understand how he could just give up 17 years of marriage.

I can't sleep, eating at times is difficult - which is actually a blessing in itself as I need to lose weight anyway. But living in turmoil...the not knowing...the insecurity. It justs gets to be unbearable at times. What scares the he!! out of me is it's only been 12 days. How on earth I am going to last months or even years like this?

At times I am totally together... then there are times like now I am a mess.

Ashlee, just change the gender and the number of days it's been and you're speaking my words right now. Just wanted to let you know I'm here following along and pulling for you. You're getting plenty of good advice from others, so no advice from me right now and besides, my roller coaster's on a serious downward run right now...no, up...wait...nope, down again)

[Faith2010]

Thanks for the post Gardener. I read your posts, sorry about your sitch. You know, I used to love roller coaster rides. Now I just want to be grounded.

H is really driving me crazy. Still no word from him today but he texts my S. Most likely he's been talking with OW all day. S just told me H is working his second job tomorrow. H doesn't tell me a darn thing. Since H has decided it's over, he takes absolutely NO responsibility for S. NONE! Doesn't spend time with him on days off. It seems all H cares about is talking with OW and staying away from here. H told me OW is having M problems, her H doesn't talk to her. I told H to tell OW to get on here if she wants to save her marriage. I'm sure he hasn't as I believe in his mind's eye, he sees them 'together' one day. OW is on facebook and I could send her a message, letting her know about this website and the books etc... But that's a bad idea, right?

I find it amazing that there are so many of us desperately trying to save our marriages...and our significant others don't feel the same way. When I married I never imagined being in this boat. I trusted him completely and always expected him to fight for us and not give up. No matter how this turns out, trusting H or someone else will be the most difficult thing ever.

[givingitmyall]

Hey Ashlee. Hope your reading is going well.

Sorry the hear your H is not making your S a priority. I know that has to hurt. One of the things in my sitch that makes me upset is my W's "belief" the kids will be just fine if we D. I know she does not believe it, but it is from the WAS script. Just say that to offset their guilt.

Couple of points. First, all the DB'ing stuff is for you, not H. I would not tell him anything about any of it. If he were to read about it, he may view the changes in you as just a ploy to get him to stay.

Second, it sounds like you handled his night out very well. Just keep doing what you are doing. Don't let him bait you into an argument no matter what. Of course, do not become a doormat either. On that same front, I would not send OW any messages. If you do, I suspect it will just push your H to OW more.

Third, there are many of us here and all for the same reason - to do all we can do to save our M's. A very admirable cause. Some of us will, and some will not, but even those who will not will be better people in the end and will have a clean conscience. Unfortunately, whether it is a WAS or MLC, the leaving spouse is completely self-absorbed. All they can see is what is in their best interest, and all others be damned.

Through the DB methods, we LBS's make ourselves better people. While we are fighting for our M's, there is a fundamental understanding we must all reach - that we cannot control our spouses. Never have been able to, and never will be able to. So, all we can do is control ourselves by shedding bad habits and becoming great people. We all strive to work on ourselves for our next relationship because we cannot ever go back to the old one. Hopefully, the next relationship is a new one with our spouses, but that is completely their choice, and it may take some time for them to figure that out.

When I get down, I always think about what God's plan is in all this. One day, I realized that while God does not like divorce, he also does not want me to be alone the rest of my life. So, either God will bring my W back to me and we will creat a M that is so much better and stronger than what we had before or there is someone else out there who needs me more and who will allow me to be the happiest and most loved person in the world. I am not giving up on saving my M, but I know I should only concern myself with what I can control - me. Once you get to the point that you know you will be ok no matter what - and you will be ok - you will not fear D anymore. Once that fear is gone, H has no more control over you. It is very liberating and will give you peace.

I, too, never thought I would be in this boat either. Everyone I have told about my issues have all been shocked. We were the "perfect couple" whatever that is. But, this is what life has dealt me, and all of us, right now. We can either let it ruin us or we can buck up and overcome this. I choose the latter.

Hang in there. It is going to be a long and bumpy ride.

[Faith2010]

Thanks Giving. When you first posted, you said you were new at this. Tell you what, you sound like old pro now!

First thing H said when he came home this morning was "Did you clean the house last night?" I said yes. H mumbled something to the effect of thanks, looks good. Now he's out for his run. I will take it as a good sign as the house cleaning has always been a point of contention for us. H is military and everything has to be 'in order' so to speak. H is OCD in that regard. Last night I decided to clean so there would be nothing he'd have to do this morning. All part of the 'new' me.