Where to start?

[dmkdmkdmk]

Just talked to H, was telling me how he went to a local massage school and got a $15.00 massage this morning and it was great. Surprised that he didn't mention that he made that appointment a few days ago... but then I realized I haven't told him I bought myself a bedroom set. LOL.

I'm really glad that he did that for himself. I would give him backrubs before he dropped the "I don't want to be married anymore" bomb on me, but I know they definitely weren't massage professional quality... I really don't think he's sleeping all that well lately, and I can tell he's still at the end of his rope, with everything that is not quite going well now that he's on his own.

[dmkdmkdmk]

I talked to H again when he left for his drill - he mentioned that he wants to use his GI Bill to pay off my student loans if it's an option (I don't think it is an option because he's ETSing after three years, but I wonder why would he offer? They're MY loans. I guess it's a use-it-or-lose-it thing, and he probably won't be going to school anytime soon).

He also mentioned that he is considering donating plasma. Whatever, I guess. It's pretty sad that we were finally getting to where we were financially comfortable, we have this new house, a beautiful daughter and another kid on the way, and he is ripping the rug out from under everyone - especially himself.

Maybe he was just thinking out loud because, honestly, this is going to be financially difficult for him. It will take a couple of months before we get a good routine going between us to take care of the financial stuff.

I don't like questioning his motives. I don't like having to worry about him. I don't like wondering what he's up to.

I would like to take him at his word that he is serious about working on the M. I would like to trust him.

This separation is good for me though. Over the past few weeks I've been letting go of the control that I tried to keep over him - I'm letting him have all of his own rope now.

My anxiety is gone if I'm not worrying about him. Before it was "Why doesn't he want to spend what little free time he has with me? Why doesn't he ever come home? Why does he spend so much time talking to his friends? Why doesn't he want to hold/hug/touch me anymore?"

So. I'm not going to question his motives in what he tells me. He's probably just thinking out loud. I'm not going to worry about him - he chose to be on his own. I'm not going to wonder what he's up to - he's on his own, and I'm protecting myself enough.

I will trust him that he is serious about working on the marriage when we go to counseling next week. I will trust him, because there is no benefit to not trusting him, and there is nothing to lose by trusting him.

Any thoughts, wise words, etc.?

[dmkdmkdmk]

And can anybody tell me what is likely to happen in the first session of MC? Should I call the counselor and ask if there is anything that I can do in advance to be prepared?

[Done in VA]

You could just compile of list of things you hope to "touch" on although please remember - an hour goes QUICK! Ours started with finding out what originally attracted us to each other & what we wanted to get out of MC & a basic synopsis of how we got to the point where we were in our marriage.

[Ready2Change]

Hi sweetie,

It sounds like you are detaching. I had all those questions to. The thing that worked for me was detaching, GAL, 180's.....

You are responsible for YOU. Let H be responsible for him...

Enjoy your weekend!

HUGS

[dmkdmkdmk]

No computer makes for a long weekend... lots of reading

I read "Codependent No More" this weekend... very thought-provoking. The book seems to be intended towards people who are in relationships with addicts of some sort, but I realized that even though my H has been completely trustworthy, I've been treating him like he's not. I don't know if it's because everything over the past couple of years just had spun out of control that I desperately needed SOMETHING to control, and I picked him... and I told him with my behavior that I didn't trust him, even though he's never given me a reason not to.

And he's removed himself from the situation, so suddenly, I have nothing to try to control, and now I see my anxiety level plummeting, and I feel great about myself for the first time in years. Not because he's gone, but because I'm directing the control to where it needs to go, where it's healthy, and normal. I wish I could tell him about this, but I guess I'll have to settle for showing him...

And I DO want him to come home ultimately, because we love each other and our family, and not because I need something to control. And I know it's going to take a little time, right? I don't want him to come home to soon and I fall back into the same pattern.

It's like, I want to tell him that I do trust him - that I trust that he's making good decisions on his own, and that he can take care of himself without me trying to control and monitor his every move. And that my sudden detachment ISN'T about me not loving him, or being mad at him for leaving, or anything like that - it's giving him the time and space and privacy he needs to be on his own, and to let myself grow a little and be a healthy, loving person instead of being controlling and obsessive.

I did get my new bedroom furniture - it is soooo nice and I actually look forward to going to bed. It's like waking up in a hotel room Next step, painting! Now how to explain it to H when he comes over to see DD today

[dmkdmkdmk]

H actually liked the furniture... He said a few times that I picked really well and that the bedroom looked really nice. I didn't want him to think that I bought it for myself as an "F you, H" which might have been my thinking in the beginning - but it just feels good to make space for myself in my own home and to make a "big" decision without seeking his approval first. Nice to do something without feeling like I have to ask him "Are you sure?" a million times first - maybe that's another "control" thing, so that if something goes wrong then it's not MY fault. Because, honestly, I could paint the house pink and he wouldn't really care, KWIM?

Also this morning he wanted me to call to have his cell phone line switched to his name (currently in my name under my work discount). This one was hard for me, but I did it... His argument is that he needs to be able to do things to the line without having me call and give my permission first... and at this point, what does it matter? Doing it, without argument, will show him that I don't feel like I need to have power over that part of his life any more.

Aaaand I went to church yesterday, for the first time in over ten years with the intention to participate. I had left DD overnight at my parents' and figured I'd see what was going on...

The gospel reading: Mark 4: 35 - 41... "He said to his disciples, 'Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?'"

The second reading: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.

And the ax is falling at work today, unfortunately, so it will be a tense morning. But in the spirit of accepting things that I cannot change and changing the things I can, I am not going to worry.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Ax did not fall on me. *whew*

[dmkdmkdmk]

I just made an executive decision for myself and my babies, and registered at the catholic parish near our house...

H said it was something I could go ahead and do several weeks ago so that we can get her into the school there when she's older.

I, of course, said "Are you sure? We can try a Lutheran church if you're more comfortable, or if there are any other churches you'd like to check out?"

No more bargaining for me.

[Looking_For_Help]

DMK127,

Congratulations about surviving the axe at work. We had 10% of our staff released this past February...too much stress. BTW, I like your quotes from scripture. I am also "returning" catholic and am perplexed at why marital vows are so ignored now a days.

Thanks,
LFH