In most cases, you have to improve the mood first before the wayward spouse even considers improving the M. I'm not talking about cake-eating, I'm just saying that usually when the bomb is dropped, emotions are running so high with one spouse at one extreme and the other at the other extreme.
So a neutral area must be reached in order for both parties to get working on the M. Like in all of our sitches, it takes one person to start the process rolling, but it does get to the point where emotions are left out and actual thinking can take place.
Now if the wayward spouse continues to do what their doing with no remorse, no compromise, no morals, etc. and are walking all over the LBS, that's cake-eating.
Stuck,
I don't disagree with that, and -- again -- I wasn't speaking to your sitch specifically. I just see a whole lotta newbies judging their early DB "results" on "She seems to be in a better mood, so I must be doing this right."
And I think that can be a big mistake.
Conversely, I see others complain "I blew it!" or "Now I've done it -- I've blown my chance!" when they (for example) decide to NOT move out of the marital home, and their wife flips a gasket. To those folks, I try to get them to define what "working" means, because if they're judging it on the RESULTS (they are now back in their own home), then it IS working, but if they are defining it as "she's not angry with me," then that's a poor benchmark to use.
