Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[blindsided1]

Good morning all - K had a wonderful birthday. I woke her up and put her in bed with me and we played and giggled and watched Sesame Street together. Then I had to go to the courthouse to finalize the D papers, but the lawyer wasn't available so I have to go back on the 23rd. I came home, put K in her birthday dress, and we were off to the Aquarium with my SIL, niece, nephew, K's Godmother and us. She had a great time at the Aquarium. She was kissing the fish through the glass walls, she pet a stingray and a starfish. Her favorite were the jellies. She loved those Jellyfish. We had fun. One of the Larokeet (sp?) landed on my nephews head. I got a great picture. She passed out about 3:30 and we came home. When we got home, she opened presents. She got a slide and a rocking dog to ride. She played for a good hour. Instead of steps on the slide, there is a mini rock wall. She mastered it in no time flat. I gave her dinner, and then her little mini cake. We sang Happy Birthday and she destroyed that cake. There was cake EVERYWHERE. It was great.
She got a lot of birthday wishes. But, there were a couple things that really bothered me. MIL sent a text in the am wishing her a HB and said they would be out that night and home around 9 and to call her. Well, I have been asking her for weeks if she wanted to go to the Aquarium with us. She never gave me a straight answer. So, after the text, I had my answer...she wasn't going. H didn't call all day until 5pm. The first thing out of his mouth was "Did you file the papers?" Not "How's my daughter. Tell her HB." Nothing. I told him what happened at court. Then he says "Where's my daughter?" I told him she was asleep in the backseat and he tells me to tell her HB. I hang up. We get home, K wakes up. So, I text H telling him she is awake if he wants to call to wish her HB. No response. A couple hours go by, I text MIL and tell her that I am putting K to bed soon and if she wanted to call and say HB, to do so. No response. About 1/2 hour later H calls. I answer ..."Let me talk to my daughter"...can you say a$$hole. I said nothing, just put the phone to K's ear. Then after he was done playing "good daddy", I asked if his Mom was there. He wasn't going to tell me at first. I said, "I just want to know if she wants to talk to K". She's there. She gets on the phone and we talk for about 10 minutes. So, here's what pisses me off....1) You don't need to hide the fact that you are having dinner with your own son. There was no reason for MIL to avoid me because of that. 2) Why isn't K important enough on her birthday to call her? 3) H doesn't have to be such a rude d!ck on the phone just because his stupid girlfriend is near.

It just really upset me that he is such a jerk all the time. But, I really should be used to it by now. He's been like this for a year and a half.

Everyday I am losing more and more respect and love for my H. It makes me sad in many, many ways because I wish things could be different. But, I can't MAKE him be a good person. I can't MAKE him be a good father. I'm trying to control who he is instead of accepting that THIS is who he IS. But, on the flip side...it makes it easier to move on. When I start to feel sad about the family and new life he has with her...I just remind myself of who he really is...and I KNOW, without a doubt, that he isn't the man I need or want in my life. I don't need people like that in my life. They're anchors.

[His Wife]

Ok,.....You know I think the world of you but here goes

You are still enabling their behavior (both MIL and H). He called K was asleep. Nothing more needed to be done. Lessons learned here my friend. It was not your job to text H to let him know K was awake nor was it your job to get MIL on the phone. Let them initiate or call back, that is their job if they want to do the right thing for daughter/grandaughter. You are way passed needing the be the nice guy here. If they want to talk or give bd wishes it is on them. I know it hurts your feelings for K that they didnt make her a priority but that is their deal. You just need to continue doing what you do and leave them on their own. Contact should only be what is absolutely necessary only. When MIL texted you in the morning I would have just texted back with a quick to call K when she had the time. Put it right back on her. Not your job to do this for her.

These people are amazing. Truly. I guess none of them including your inlaws have consciouses (sp?) As a grandmother and mother I can tell you nothing would have prevented me from wishing my granddaugher a HB on her day especially not some slut my son was sleeping with.

You need to be good to yourself and concentrate on lettting them all go. Soon they will just be people that really have no meaning in your life other than K. Soon.

[blindsided1]

HW - you are right. Completely. That is precisely how I felt last night after I got off the phone. I don't need this. I know that I can't expect people to be as considerate as I think I am. They are not me. Maybe, very likely, they just didn't grow up with the closeness and importance I have for my family. But, it DID shock me...how could you not wish her a HB. I am truly starting to see that H gets a lot of his traits from his Mother. I love my MIL, don't get me wrong. But, she plays both sides of the fence and she really doesn't need to. I hate that she still feels the need to "hide" things from me. I told her that she didn't ever need to lie to me. If I have the stupidity to ask her a question, and I get and answer I don't like...that's my fault...I'll learn eventually NOT to ask those questions.

You're right, I should not have sent follow up texts. It isn't my job to make them be more active in her life. It just burns me that they spent the day with OW and her kids and my H instead of their granddaughter. I just have to keep reminding myself that they are not me. I have let go, a lot. I only talk to my MIL about once a week as opposed to everyday. I send her a picture of K every Monday morning. And, I try to get together with them when they are in town. But, it's pretty obvious that "they" are their family, now. I'm just the ex-wife. I'm okay with it. Well, let's just say...I'm starting to be okay with it. I know this is how it is.

I don't need to be Mrs. Nice Gal any longer. I realized that, too last night. Why do I need to continue being nice to my H when he is just a total jerk to me...constantly. No more. Maybe I'll just mirror his actions and disposition. Let's see how he likes it for a while. So, that's what I'm a gonna do. I'm not answering his calls and I refuse to call him back if he doesn't leave a message. When he drops K off after his visit, I'll take her say "thanks" ask when she ate last and tell K to say goodbye to her dad. I used to ask how he was doing and make small talk...NO MORE. It's time for me to be a leader...he can follow...if he wants. If not, I'll just keep moving farther from him. Sounds like a win-win situation.

[His Wife]

Exactly!!

Be Civil when responding to THEIR inquiries. Do not offer up anything unless asked. RESPOND. Do not initiate. This way they cant complain you are not providing asked information you are just forcing them to ask instead of them relying on you to always provide on your own. Not your job anymore. I know your MIL is in what she perceives to be the middle but she has her own mind doesnt she? You have never made her feel like she cant call you. You have been gracious. You have done enough for these people.

[blindsided1]

I have. I have. I have always made it very aware that my in-laws as well as my H were always welcome in K's life...all aspect of it. They are choosing not to be there. It is time for me to stop trying to control the way things turn out with regard to their relationships with K. They will continue to be invited to thing for her and I will continue to send her pic to MIL on Monday. But, other than that....they need to come to me if they want something. And, as for H, I'm done..I have tried to take the higher road through all of this. Now I just want to be off the road for a while. I'm not giving him anymore of my kindness. He doesn't deserve it and it serves no purpose. It doesn't even make me happy to be nice to him anymore. It used to make me feel like a good person. Well, guess what? I AM a good person and I don't need his validation to prove that. He wouldn't know a good person if they bit him in the a$$.

Maybe someday, H will pull his head out of OW's butt and we might actually be able to have a decent mother/father relationship. But, I'm not counting on it. It's hard to believe he will get better with age. I just see him getting worse.

[karen43]

I agree. I would just respond but not initiate. I've just learned to do better at that myself. I always used to be the one to email H to find out when we'd exchange the kids, I mean every time. I just stopped that recently, and let him initiate those for a change. He doesn't probably email as soon as I would have, but he does eventually, and I think that's a good change.

I do respond and I'm polite to him, but. I think it's wrong for your H to let you talk and treat you the way he is. If he's going to be rude like "put D on the phone" to you then I wouldn't even allow that. My H is kind of like that too, and I just put my D or S on the phone and don't even talk to him. When he tries to initiate talk with me, I just keep saying just email me with the details and we'll work it out or something like that, and he's getting better about that too.

My H equates niceness with weakness I think, and lost respect for me. I don't of course, and luckily most people don't, but I think some of our WAS think like that, and it's helpful to keep in mind. I'm still polite to him, but I'm no longer the nice push-over person to him. Polite and distantly friendly, but that's it. And he treats me better and we get along better too. If he tries to pull cr** on me I call him on it too. Our R has actually dramatically improved I would say...But even if it hadn't, I feel better about myself and more self-respect and that's important too...


And I know what you mean about your expectations of your H and his family. I've had to give those up too. My H and his family are never going to be the way I wish. Often no cards or calls on their grandkid's birthday, but if you're really there for them and supply cards, and hugs and kisses and cake of course, then I think they're ok. And really, I think from what I've seen here a lot of the WAS come from kind of dysfunctional families if not full-blown messed up ones, and maybe that's a big part of the problem.... Karen

[Startingover2]

I agree with everyone.

I would not let your H get away with being so rude to you on the phone. Honestly, K doesn't even know who he is thru the phone anyway.

MIL...she is playing both sides of the fence. I would not initiate anymore contact with her. Don't send Monday pics. Like someone told me if exh or MIL want pics they can see her themselves and take them. They are enabling his bad behavior and they are toxic to you.

Glad K had a good bday!

[blindsided1]

I think my H also equates niceness with weakness. The sad thing is that sometimes I think he is purposely trying to hurt me because somehow MY strength during our M, hurt him. I do believe he always felt somewhat inferior to me. I think he feels that with a lot of people. He has very low self esteem...always has and he's admitted it. So, now that he can make me cry and hurt it's like strength and power, to him. I don't want him to pass that on to our daughter. I would hate for her life to be as miserable as his is because he never learned how to care about people, how to love or how to let people love him. He wouldn't let me continue to love him as K's father. He destroyed that. He doesn't want it. So, I stopped trying.

[His Wife]

Not to be insensitive, but I believe that your H had/has loads of self doubt and low to no self esteem. Most likely a huge trigger was you having to get help to get pregnant. She on the other hand made him feel like such a man when he could accomplish this naturally with her. I am sure she reminds him of this over and over. Once this happened you were out of the race and never even had a chance. He is too immature to understand....

Although he may "improve" he isnt going to change the basic core of who he is. Look at your MIL. This is someone you looked up to and admired. She has no backbone and is so afraid of losing her son she is sacrificing both you and K. Does your mother have a problem with telling you when she thinks you have screwed up? I dont think so. She loves you and wants the best for you and that includes the hard stuff. That is what mothers do. They do not accept bad behavior because they dont want their son to be angry with them.

Start showing all of them that you have boundaries that will not be crossed. Rude telephone conversations...tell him he can call back when he can be civil and hang up......let mil come to you.....no more calls unless emergency......no calls about drop offs....let him call you and if he doesnt, then that is more time you get to have with K........start showing them how it is that you expect to be treated. It will take some getting used to but if you are consistent they will eventually figure it out and start treating you with the respect you deserve.....

[blindsided1]

I hope so. And, I often wonder about the pregnancy sitch. I'm sure that didn't help with his self esteem. It's my fault, he tells me, that we had to spend thousands of dollars. All we had to do was have more sex, he said. I'm sure he resents me because of it. "See, look how easy it was to get OW pregnant. All she had to do was have lots of sex with me. You could have done that, too." The funny thing is, he told me early into our dating that he thought he had a problem. He had always had unprotected sex and never got anyone pregnant, except me...even though we lost the first one. So, I'm VERY sure he didn't PLAN to get OW pregnant. I know it. He thought he couldn't. Maybe this is God's way of paying him back and saddling him with someone that is going to turn out to be psycho beyond belief and make his life miserable. I know she did it with her first baby daddy. She was psycho and horrible to him. And, this was not that long ago, maybe 5 years ago. Maybe she's changed, but I doubt it. Look at how afraid my H is of her. He can't talk to me when she is around..even about K. He can't be far from his phone because she is texting him every 5 minutes. She controls the money and I'm sure she uses it to punish him. Maybe I just need to get a soda and some popcorn and watch the show.