A truly confident, secure man would give this type of attitude:
I am perfectly fine the way I am. I want someone who WANTS to be with me. [quote]
I think this makes sense, and is true...once one is truly confident and secure, and 'is' perfectly fine they way he is.
If you know how attraction works, you can almost do anything and anything will work.
If you don't know how attraction works, you can do anything & everything and nothing will work.
That's all I can say.
I went from being the wimp to being a real hard ass that wouldn't take crap from anyone. Uber confident, I can do it all myself, I'm going out all the time, having fun, taking care of myself and not caring at all about my spouse and what she does.
She noticed me changing and she remarked that it was great that I was strong & confident in myself but I didn't need to be too strong and run over everyone which it appeared that I was doing.
The point is I was this over confident person and I won't lie that I didn't like the attention that i generated, I was so different from how most people had known me that it generated interest just because of this. Working out regularly also boosted my confidence quite a bit, I look great, shop regularly for new clothes and take care of myself. I also got a life, I became so busy that I started having trouble making time for things which included spending time with my wife up until recently.
I had the kids during the week (during the time that it was my turn to have them) and she asked if she could come over after work to visit the kids and say good night to them after they had supper. I told her she could come over, it was ok with me. We put them to bed and she appeared tired and I told her that if she wanted to, she could sit & stay for a bit. I asked her about work but not in the way that I would normally ask, I wasn't attached to the outcome of the discussion, I appeared completely detached but still friendly. She had been on her feet all day and she just needed to sit down because they were hurting. I got up, got some skin lotion, sat down at one end of the couch, pulled up her feet, pulled her socks off, smiled at her with a bit of a wicked grin and I told her, "would you like me to rub your feet, if so you have to ask me nicely and I'll let you know if I will" and I smiled again. She smiled, it had been a very long time since I had given her a foot rub, I asked her when the last time she rec'd a foot rub and she said she hadn't had one forever and probably the last time she got one was from me. I gave her a great footrub, she relaxed, we talked for an hour about everything except for us, I then looked at the time, it was getting late and I told her that she should probably get going because i had to get up early for work and driving the kids to school,etc. She looked a bit sad, she told me she was really enjoying the footrub and it was very relaxing, etc. I told her that she might be lucky again in the future.
All I'm saying is this, I was ultra confident, if she had said she didn't want a footrub, I would have considered it her loss, not my own and that mindset coupled with being confident worked for me. Plus and I don't have any scientific evidence to back this up, but the touching did something, it wasn't just the footrub, it was me touching her, she enjoyed it alot and not in a sexual sense either - its hard to quantify this but I know that this simple touching affected her in some way.
She liked the attention from me, I wasn't needy, wussy, wimpy. I was confident, funny, engaging, she enjoyed the adult time with someone other than a co-worker and it relaxed her. I have to believe that if you can get to a point where you can engage your spouse in some type of event that involves touching of a non-sexual nature, some type of bond is being established: she felt comfortable with me because of being confident, secure, etc. It relaxed her, she felt secure with me. Maybe in her mind, she was beginning to associate these good feelings with me on a subconscious level. Everytime there after, she would smile while looking at me. Despite her cruel treatment of me for such a long period of time, I was willing to invest a small amount of time, effort & physical touch and it softened her idea of me. She began asking to come over more frequently when I had the kids, I would offer footrubs sometimes she would ask for them, she would offer to come over sometimes and offer to bring over coffee and asked if I was hungry. We then started going with the kids to restaurants (almost like a real family LOL!)
Fast forward to today, she finally asked me if I would like to go out on a date (and she's been hinting about it for quite some time, we've been going out for coffee in evenings now 1-2 times a week without the kids), I'm going out tonight with her. I told her I would pick the place, told her to put on something sexy and I would pick her up and drive us there.
I think it's finally happening, she likes the attention she's getting from this confident guy (aka ME).
Be confident with yourself: being confident means DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU WANT TO DO IT. If you're confident and you want to show her some attention, do it because YOU WANT TO DO IT.
Yes you could be confident and tell her to go to HELL because she's treating you poorly, or you can confident in yourself, secure in yourself, feel attractive & great and finally realize how much value you have and when you're sitting sky high there, you realize that you can do whatever you want to do and still appear confident & attractive to everyone around you.
Maybe it's just me but I'm finally getting it, being confident & attractive & secure with myself means doing what I want to do with the only intended result being I did it because I wanted to and I won't let rejection bother me anymore.
A truly confident, secure man would give this type of attitude:
I am perfectly fine the way I am. I want someone who WANTS to be with me. [quote]
I think this makes sense, and is true...once one is truly confident and secure, and 'is' perfectly fine they way he is.
A truly confident secure man would just want what he wants, not because that other person wants him back - that sounds needy.
Think about it, "I want someone who wants me", that sounds like you need something.
Why do you need it? The things that I want are the things that I want, not the things that I need. It's the difference between having a preference and a necessity and identifying what is what. If I prefer to have something, I'm not attached to it, it would be nice to have but it's not a deal breaker. Needing something and not getting it is a deal breaker, that's when rejection hurts.
Stop being needy, we don't need anything more really than food, water & air. Everything else is a preference and when you change the way you look at things, things start to look differently.
Gucci- I hope you'll check out Coach's thread a while back on friendship. I would LOVE to get your take on it. SP came up with "friendiness" and we all tossed it around a bit.
Especially with kids involved, it is hard to find that sweet spot.
Yes. I have seen the "friendship" debate over and over and over. On this site and on others. Trying to be a friend to a woman while you are deep down inside the depths of your soul trying to win her love, doesn't work. Women sense these things. Just as Stuck told his wife that it is human nature to love more than one person (which I disagree with)it is also human nature for a person to sense and know that you are trying to come across as being her friend when in reality and complete honesty it is just another tactic to win her back. (which is exactly what Stuck is trying to do)
NOW.. IF (and I do say IF)
IF Stuck would tell and show his wife that he is DONE and is just as interested as she is in ending this "farce" of a marriage.......
He just may find an interesting turn of events in her behavior. Of course he can't find that out UNTIL he actually finds the CONFIDENCE and self respect to apply it.
As is human nature.. She THEN will sense that he truly has let go. It will THEN be that she will be having to ask herself the correct questions... Which can and should be this.
*Is this now what I really want? *Have I pushed him too far and hurt him too much? *What if we are making a mistake now that he has let go?
As long as he wants to give her foot rubs,back rubs, be her friend, tell her loving two men is okay and human nature, let her know how long suffering he can be, and yada yada yada.. is as long as this will stay exactly as is or get slowly worse and die the slow death..... YUK...
Regarding "friendship"..... When he takes the bull by the horns and decides he WILL NOT live like this anymore he will then be able to tell her and SHOW her that "friends" is ALL he wants.... HE will feel and show her that he wants no more than to be friends. He will be saying it in the context that the WS tells the BS when they tell you they want to be freinds.
She will THEN sense that in her heart. There is a BIG difference in telling a woman that you want to be there friend when that is ALL you want, then in telling them you want to be their friend when you are deep down lying and using it as a hope to the key to win her heart. He can tell the people on hear all day long that he is doing it with no expectations. If YOU want to fall for that, be my guest. His posts are telling me that he wants her as his wife and lover.
IF I can sense that through a post on the internet... Do you think his wife can't?
Hope that clears a little of the friendship thing up...
YES.. Being their friend is great. NEVER be mean or hurtful when a woman leaves you.
I would surely tell them I will be friends. No doubt...
I would then leave them alone, move happily on with my life and find someone else who wants to be with me and love me like I deserve. I would hope she would still want to be friends after she knew I had found another wonderful, beautiful, fun, sexy woman that I was giving my all too.. YEP.. WE will always stay friends......
In most cases, you have to improve the mood first before the wayward spouse even considers improving the M. I'm not talking about cake-eating, I'm just saying that usually when the bomb is dropped, emotions are running so high with one spouse at one extreme and the other at the other extreme.
So a neutral area must be reached in order for both parties to get working on the M. Like in all of our sitches, it takes one person to start the process rolling, but it does get to the point where emotions are left out and actual thinking can take place.
Now if the wayward spouse continues to do what their doing with no remorse, no compromise, no morals, etc. and are walking all over the LBS, that's cake-eating.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Oh and I am a woman and it wasn't until H left that I woke up
I know. The majority of men on here struggling just can't seem to let go. It is nothing more than low self esteem and lack of confidence. To top it off, I don't see much of a success rate with the tactics and methods the men are using on this site a working very well. We have men who have been on here from 2 weeks to over two years. Same methods being used by most all and same results happening to most all..
I guess the men who have been on here for so long just need a "little more patience" and understanding before she wakes up...
Maybe tomorrow huh? Maybe three years is the key......
All the while the simple facts and reality that the men who usually have the most succes getting the woman to come back are the ones who let them go the fastest and leave the woman alone the quickest. The men who go out and start getting a life, having fun, mingling and flirting with the opposite sex and living and loving life to the fullest. They stop whining, stop complaining, stop venting, stop journaling and START DOING..
Those are the men who succeed. The evidence is all around these men struggling, but they fail to see....
Just to clarify my statement about loving more than one person. When you date someone, you think they are THE ONE you love one another, etc. until you break up. Then the next person comes along and you find yourself thinking that person is THE ONE.
So you see it is possible to love more than just one person. None of us have to stay with the person we're with. We make it a choice to.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
In most cases, you have to improve the mood first before the wayward spouse even considers improving the M. I'm not talking about cake-eating, I'm just saying that usually when the bomb is dropped, emotions are running so high with one spouse at one extreme and the other at the other extreme.
So a neutral area must be reached in order for both parties to get working on the M. Like in all of our sitches, it takes one person to start the process rolling, but it does get to the point where emotions are left out and actual thinking can take place.
Now if the wayward spouse continues to do what their doing with no remorse, no compromise, no morals, etc. and are walking all over the LBS, that's cake-eating.
Stuck,
I don't disagree with that, and -- again -- I wasn't speaking to your sitch specifically. I just see a whole lotta newbies judging their early DB "results" on "She seems to be in a better mood, so I must be doing this right."
And I think that can be a big mistake.
Conversely, I see others complain "I blew it!" or "Now I've done it -- I've blown my chance!" when they (for example) decide to NOT move out of the marital home, and their wife flips a gasket. To those folks, I try to get them to define what "working" means, because if they're judging it on the RESULTS (they are now back in their own home), then it IS working, but if they are defining it as "she's not angry with me," then that's a poor benchmark to use.
