Because of a very rebellious teenager, I started reading on how to talk with teens. I learned to use simple declarative statements, talk less than they did (if they said 12 worlds, I'd say 8; if they said 5, I'd say 3) and listen. And to allow awkward silence. If my mouth stayed shut, my teenager would eventually start talking to fill in the silence. After all, what's brewing beneath the surface takes a while to percolate. It came in handy when my spouse abruptly left.
This same teenager would angrily snarl that "I (Gypsy) always knew just the right thing to say, that I always had all the answers." Huh? I thought that was a GOOD thing!
"Codependent No More" is one of the best books I've ever read. I never realized I was a poster child for codependence. Everything I'd done had been to help others, part of taking care of the ones I loved. Imagine my shock when I realized that what I thought was helpful was controlling and in the end hurtful.
It's a learning process not to 'help', double check, do it all. People.. spouses, children, friends.. learn by doing not by being told. And I truly believed I was someone who let my kids learn.. but whoops.. I did too much. They could learn but I had trouble letting them fail. Phrases like "I need your help for..." works wonders.
Your wife will struggle with her relationship with your children. Lots of things will be different.
You (and she) can learn a lot by just letting her talk. By learning to be honest, to know what is and isn't appropriate.
