Sandi's Place

[sandi2]

Dear Shannon,

I am so sorry that you are not getting to the place of physical relief more rapidly than you are. I pray for you, sweetie, that you can heal from this and get relief from the pain you are in. I know that the emotional stress cannot help but be a huge burden on top of the entire ordeal you have to face.

In regard to what you told me the things your H has repeatly said to you and your mother, it is all very "script". If you were able to read all the posts about WAS and the things they have said to the LBS, you would think you were reading your own thread. It is amazing how similar every WAS say things. To you, your H may "appear" to have his life "together" but I promise that he doesn't! For an example, when he says these things to your mother and then tells you he doesn't remember saying that. How many times has this happened? The truth is he may very well NOT remember it. You see, I said things that my mother tells me that I would not remember saying. I don't know that it was to the degree your H is doing, but it shows that he is "fogged out" by this state he is in. You know that I am far from trying to make excuses for him b/c I feel like pinching his head off! I hope I can help you to maybe understand a timy bit of the emotional condition he is in. It really does affect one's mental capasity, I believe.

He "wants" the fantasy, Shannon. This dream world he is trying to create with the OW is no more than a fantasy he's trying to drown in order to escape his reality. You must stop thinking in terms of him being NORMAL and realize that he is NOT THE SAME MAN THAT HE USE TO BE b/c I assure you he is not! That seems to be the common problem that I see in LBS. They cannot look at their S as becoming a different person. However, he is, and I don't know how long he may stay this stranger before he gets better. It is serious and it is scary.

He has a huge amount of resentment and anger towards me still but he really wants to get over it and through it to the next phase of all of our lives.

Exactly! He wants to hurry through all this uncomfortable stuff and move on b/c he is sure that his fantasy world will be perfect! He will continue to blame you for his unhappiness as long as he's in MLC. The "getting over it" is the R with you and the life he lived in the past (as he sees it). If he and OW split up before he comes out of the MLC, he will find another woman to replace her b/c he thinks it is somebody's responsibility to "make" him happy. He's looking for that perfect soulmate (that you fear). It's sad that he does not "get" the fact he must make himself happy regardless of who does what. I am especially sorry that he doesn't have the good sense to see what he is doing to his own daughter. She is suffering b/c of his actions but when in MLC....one is blind, deaf, and very self-centered. As I once said, it is not all about the OW.....it is all about "him".

All the angry rage he constantly displays toward you and even the things he says to your mother is futher proof of his this strange MLC behavior and shows he is in some life transition that he is not going through normally. That is why it has become a crises. I know that some here on the board felt that I did not have a MLC due to my age alone. Well, that made sense but I sure had the symptoms of MLC and it felt horrible. I did not go to the extreme your H is going (thank God) and I began getting help and that was what saved my mind and my M. Otherwise, it scares me to think of what could have happen. If I have said this to you in past post, please overlook me b/c I forget, sometimes. The point I meant to make was that I remember one person in particular (who seemed very smart) telling me that I was going through a life transition but not a MLC. It may not have been right in the "middle" of my life span, but honey, it was a crises for me and my family! I have been through transitions before and plenty of them, but nothing like this had I ever experienced before. I tell you this b/c I want you to understand that it is a serious business and not to be treated lightly the way I had seen people's attitude toward it in the past. Nobody knows until they have been a LBS or a WAS/MLC. So, expect the most bazzare behavior you could imagine b/c he is likely to display that very thing. I also realize that his constant rejection and raking you over the coals for all the things he blames you with--is so hurtful and hard to forget. But, let me try to have you look at it this way (and I hope I've not already said this to you). This may be rather sensitive for you but I hope you can bear with me. I don't see how anybody could blame you and constantly think about anything that you said or did when you are in the hospital getting treatments, or in a lot of pain, or some other similar situation. You can't help being sick. I don't know the details so I'm using a general senerio. Maybe your loved ones get worried and frustrated about the situation but they don't stop loving you and they certainly don't blame you for being ill. In a weird way, your H is sick. Please don't take offense by my comparing him with you b/c I don't mean for this to come across in an offensive way at all or to compare him to your serious illness. But, if you could look at him as if he was sick and it was the illness making him act irrationally and not think clearly and talk badly and blame others for his condition........how would you feel? Could you be able to overlook what he said or done and try not to take what he says and burry it in your heart? What if you knew he was mentally ill? But, I know you are immediately thinking, "BUT, HE ISN'T!" But what "if" he was? I believe you are the type of person, Shannon, who could put what he says to hurt you out of your mind and you would find a way to face the fact that he was not well and was talking out of his head. Wouldn't you do that? Couldn't you learn to let what he said run off your back without it upsetting you the way it does now? Sure, it would sting a lot! It would hurt to the quick......but you would be able to realize he was not well and you would blame the illness for his behavior. If you can learn to blame the MLC for his behavior, I think you could deal with things better.

The problem with this senerio is the fact that we ARE held responsibile for our actions b/c he is not considered mentally ill, by any means. I was just trying to give you a different porthole to look through and don't know that it helped but thought I would try. I know my H could not see me through the same eyes my beloved mother saw me. She did not agree with what I was doing and how I was thinking, etc. But I was still her child (as she told me) and she would love me anyway! Do you know how I depended upon her love? If she had disowned me or told me how disappointed in me she was, I don't know what I would have done but I doubt I would have come through that period of my life as well as I did. My H loved me... but what I did was so.....PERSONALLY DIRECTED AT HIM.......and he could not get past that for a long time. I could talk for hours on that one point alone, but I won't do that to you.

Don't you see that it is b/c you feel like this is such a personal.....attack and/or rejection from your H.......and it is, but at the same time he is in a crises and he is not dealing with it b/c he doesn't want to see it for what it is. I may sound as if I am talking in circles b/c it is a hard thing to explain.

He also said that I have profoundly wounded him.
He says that he is going through the biggest crisis of his life.
he doesn't know what is going to happen with OW (mmmmm dont trust him here.....)

He seems so clear.....about me. Does not want to be a part of this any more.

When you hear this trash, remind yourself that it is all script, just as if he were memorizing lines for a play act.

I have prayed to God for his guidance. I was in our local pub when I looked up at a football team photo and underneath were the words "with bravery and faith anything is possible"

Is this a sign for me to keep faith?

Hummmm......well, I am a person of faith and could talk a long time about that. Some would say that we can make anything out of something. I do believe if we are searching for answers that God will give them to us....in time. We must be willing to seek and to accept. But, I can't really tell you what the answer is, b/c that will have to be your decision. I only want what is best for you, sweetheart, b/c so much depends on you being well in your heart so you can get well physically. That has me very concerned and I know your dear mother must be almost out of her mind with worry. I don't have to tell you how important it is to think of her and your little girl, b/c you know that! I would not want to insult you for anything in this world! But when we are so bogged down in physical pain and emotional pain, it is hard to find the stength to pull out of that depth of despair. You are loved Shannon. I know you ae and that you are a special person. I can tell by reading what you write. Please don't allow what he says in this "condition" that he's in to do this number on you. He has to get through this and in his own time. You, on the other hand must consentrate on getting well and living life with your child and your mother who love and need you most of all. You need to do what may seem to be a selfish act.......and that is to stop making this all about him.....and start making it about you and getting well.

Sometimes the fog seems so entrenched. How have others kept the faith?

One step at a time. One day at a time, maybe an hour at a time. There doesn't seem to be an easy way, but I don't know what people do who have no faith.

What are your views on the OW?
First my H says a few weeks ago to my mother "Its ot an important relationship". Now he is denying he said that but says that its not important or important. He doesn't know what is going to happen.
You say its not about the OP. My H as I knew him was not the sort of man to jump into aff

I think I answered this before I pasted the quote. But, as I said, pay no attention to what he says. Treat it the same way you would hear a small child saying things. Put no importance upon it b/c he may change his mind before tomorrow. Of course he says the R with OW is important, but would you expect him to talk differently based on his condition and everything else he's said and done? You are comparing him to who he use to be when you allow those statements to hurt. He's not that man any now. He is not the H you knew and will do and say things he never would have considered in the past.

I am trying to stand in gods name and faith with this all but when my wah has a new partner and life and has so much anger towards me I sometimes find it so hard and without hope.

Even though I have not been on your side of the fense, I do think I understand. At least, I try very hard. Let me say that until you can lay this down and leave it with God, you will not have any peace at all in your life. It can be a hard thing to do unless you realize that you are totally powerless and cannot change a thing. When you finally are able to meekly turn it over to God and leave that burden with Him.....you will continue to get weaker and more depressed and I'm afraid......sicker. You NEED God's peace, Shannon. Listen to me carefully, sweetheart. We do not have to understand.....okay? All we have to do is hand our problems over to Him to take care of. That is not to say all our dreams will come true b/c your H still has his own free will and that won't change. But God can give you peace in the middle of the storm. I know, b/c I have been there too many times. I'm not just talking about in M problems but in life and death situations. When I was watching my daughter slowly dying and didn't know how I would have the strength to deal with it or to talk to her little boy......God gave me peace and He gave me strength. I still have my daughter today, but I don't know what tomorrow may hold......none of us do. I have watched many loved one pass away and go to be with God and every time God would give me peace and strength. The strength was not of my own power.......He had to give it to me b/c I was helpless in my own. He can do it, Shannon. He WILL do it if you will rely on Him. Don't even "try" to understand it b/c it is too big and too difficult.......just do it. The older I get, the more I am able to see where I don't have to disect everything so I'll understand. In the past, that was so important, but now.....I just try to accept what I can't change and trust God to take care of me. Not trying to sound all "holy" or anything.....just telling you my personal experience.

I better go b/c I have talked your ears off. I have stopped by your thread several times but figured you were either having a bad day or busy, but wanted you to know I think about you each day......and pray for you.

Take care and I'll check in on you later.

Sandi