I'm glad to hear that your W is still showing interest in the home and her children. I must have thought otherwise.....but that is a good sign that she hasn't completely isolated herself from reality.
I don't know that you would go along with what I suggest as to how you need to handle this, but here goes anyway. First fo all, you don't know that she is in any A at all, right? So, do not accuse her of having one without any proof. Now, some H's want to put a keylogger on the computer and look up cell phone records and other things to find some record-keeping that proves something rotten is going on. But, if she keeps a laptop with her all the time to do her personal emails, etc. then you can probably forget that route. My recommendation to you is to act "as if" she is not in any A with another man. You didn't really think so (I suppose) before I started writing about the signs of an EA. I guess you were more or less "spouting off" about it in one of your posts b/c then it hit you when I said what I did about the possibility of her in an A.
Some men think the W should be confronted and to start laying down the rules as to how things will be. Unless you have solid proof that she is indeed having an A, please, please don't accuse her or even hint to her that you suspect something b/c it will be like pouring gas on a fire. I was playing and flirting with men on line when I was hooked on a game on the web. At first I saw no harm in a little flirting. It was fun! But then this "need" for more begin to grow inside of me. I was in trouble. I could try to analyze why I did what I did but this is about your stitch....not mine. I do want to tell you that when my H discovered my activity over the Internet.......he confronted me and I did as he wanted and deleted my on-line "friends" and I thought they were all gone. Somehow this one man still could tell when I went on line and he contacted me. When he did, I clung to him for dear life b/c he was the only one I had left to "play" with. I know, this all sounds so sickening, but I want to try to explain how things can happen. The ironey of it was he was probably one of the least of the men I found physically attractive or sexy. But, when I tried to tell him good-bye, I asked him if he would have ever come to get me if I had asked him. Oh, the man knew how to work it!! Everything he told me was what I wanted to hear.....and he knew all the right words to say. There's no telling how many women he had on line that he told the same thing to. When my H found out about "him" then he put more pressure on me and I resorted to more sneaky ways of contacting the OM. My H could not follow me around and he wasn't at work with me. So, I had plenty of opportunity to contact the OM! Yes, my H would sneak up behind me when I was on the computer at home. It would make me so furious I wanted to explode! He would backtrack the "history" on the computer to see where I had been. I'm not sure of the different ways he found out what I was doing but he knew the OM's name and where he lived and my H had him investigated. Anyway, enough about that.
To tell you the honest truth, I think that I would not have become involved with "this" OM to the point I did if my H had not confronted me. I don't know how far I would have carried on my inappropriate behavior with the other men I was playing games with. Maybe it would have "run its course" and I would have stopped that nonsense and regained my normal "self" again. I won't ever know b/c it didn't go down that way. I only know that when my H tried to put pressure on me that it made everything much worse. I think it is up to the individual man as to how he feels he must handle his own stitch. I know you already have very strong feelings about cheating but when you find out it has actually happened to you......it may be different.
I can tell you that I have given some men advice to move on and not wait on their W b/c it was not a hopeful stitch at all. On the other hand, I have told many men here on the board all the DB techniques to use to become a better spouse and to help attract their W back into the MR.......and it has worked! I personally believe you are in that "stage" of your R where you could do that and have great success.
My first suggestion for you would be to approach the "detachment" a bit different than what you are doing. I'm concerned you are coming across as being "cold" to your W. That is the last thing she needs. You can give her free space and personal time for herself without you apprearing to be a cold fish. The point is to act as if you have had an awakening and that you are going to enjoy life. So, you are always in a good mood (not acting like a clown or stupid, but in a relaxed and generally good mood). You don't talk negative and you aren't critical of anyone or anything when in her presence. You spend special time with the children. Playing with the children and having a great time making them giggle and squeal can be a "turn-on" for some women. They love watching their H's play with their children and making them happy. However, if your W is the type that noise puts her in a bad mood, then something away from the house or either something in a more "hushed" atmosphere would be better. Hard to do, isn't it?
Planning fun things is the best route to take when the R is under attack. Things are strained so you want to stay away from anything that is "formal" like eating out in a romantic atmosphere. Make everything as "light hearted", fun and relaxed as you possibly can. When at home, look your best all the time....but expecially when she's home with you. Don't get sloppy and let yourself go. You can wear jeans and a T-shirt and still look hot if you are clean and have your hair fixed and wear great cologne. People laugh when I tell them that and then come back and tell me how well that worked for them.... That clean smell on men works for women! Add their favorite cologne and it will hit her "senses"--even if she never says a word.
Remember how you "acted" sexy before M? Well, do it again. Women look at how men present their bodies. The way they stand and walk. The way a man sits on the couch or in his chair. The way a man may lean up against the doorway....all these little things that she will not mention.....she still notices. Your tone of voice is one of the most important things to her. If you raise your voice or sound gruff to her ears.....you have dug your grave deeper. Never talk loud b/c you are defeating your purpose. If you talk in a soft, gentle and caring tone of voice, she will listen to what you say a lot quicker. There are times that you will want to use your gentle sexy voice for only her ears. There may come a time that you will have to use a stern voice with her, but never yell at her in anger or being stern b/c you loose the influence you wanted to achieve. So, tone of voice is vital.
Being an interesting individual is important. You may have to take up a new hobby, sport, some type of activity that is new and different just so you will have something new in your life that helps break up the "same old....same old". You do not want to be boring to her, and when you do different things, that adds interest......plus it gives you something new to talk about. Some W's hear the same old stories and jokes until they could die everytime he starts to tell it to another person.
You can seem mysterious in a way. By that, don't ever, ever lie to her, but you can be a little "vague" about all the details. I give the example of getting up and touching up the hair or whatever....putting on shoes....(whatever you would need to do) and start to leave the house. You tell her you are going out for a minute and if she asks where you are going or why, you tell her you're going for an ice cream cone (or something like that). Now remember, you don't lie to her, okay? She will wonder what on earth you are "really" doing. But, you actually go out and go get an ice cream cone.....and maybe drive around....go to Wal-mart....or Home Depot. When you come in an hour later and she's wondering why it took you so long......and if she asks, you tell her that you felt like killing time and just drove around or went to Wal-mart to look around. One night when things seem too quiet and as if you are thinking about something....you get up and tell her you think you will go to the mall. If she asks anything, you tell her..."No special reason, just want to look around". You see, you do all the things you tell her, but she is wondering if there is more to it. The point is NOT to make her think you are having an affair or meeting up with somebody. The point is to be a little mysterious b/c it adds spice to the tired R. One man tried the ice cream suggestion. He said he was laying in bed with his W, got up and quickly dressed to leave. She asked him what was going on and he said he wanted to go gert ice cream. She looked at him as if he had lost his mind, but he went and got ice cream and came back later. To make a long story short.....their M survived. It is little things like that that may sound very silly, but if done correctly.....it works.
You do not want to put any pressure on her. Don't tell her at odd times that you love her. My H would do that and I knew he was pressing me to tell him back that I loved him also. Oh, I couldn't stand it! Pushing physical affection on her when or where you would not usually do that.....is pressure. If you always have hugged or kissed her when either of you left the house, then that's fine. But, don't just go to where she is and interrupt her to lay a big fat wet kiss on her to get a reaction. If things were great in the MR, that would be fine, but things aren't great so she will see that as pursuing. Under your circumstances, I would not tell you to stop the usaul things of the kissing good-bye or hugging hello.....whatever the two of you are in the "habit" of doing. I have reasons for saying that but don't have time to explain everything today. You'll have to trust me on this one. Others, I might tell them to stop doing what is the "normal" and do it differently, but I think where the signs of affection are concerned in your R, you need to try to continue what you've done. If things in the M begin to rapidly change, then we can talk about another step to take.
You don't want to pursue her and women who are thinking about walking away from their M can see a lot of things as pursuing. Giving her flowers or buying gifts "can" be seen as pursuing at this time. Now, in the past.....that would have been wonderful.....but not now. Her thought process has changed. She is going through a transition. You have to be careful.
You do not want to be "too available" at her every whim. You know what I mean? Make yourself unavailable at times. Don't be inconsiderate if she is depending on you to carry out your responsibility. For an example, if you were suppose to pick up one of the kids, then be responsibile and do that. But, I mean don't just be there at her beck & call when you are home with her. You are not her servant and you do not want to be treated like one. There is something about a man hard to get that makes him more desirable. Human nature, I suppose. We want what we think we can't have. Just like before M and you weren't so easy to get......YOU were exactly what she wanted. And visa-versa, b/c you wanted her badly, right? However, if she had fallen at your feet and clinged to your legs and you couldn't have walked....would you have been attracted to her? I seriously doubt it.
The entire point here is to make yourself attractive to her. All these ways (and some more I haven't time to discuss) helps you become that man she wants again. Somewhere, the two of you lost that closeness and now she may be on the verge of turning to another person to meet her needs. You still have time to turn things around and draw her back to you by changing yourself. However, it is most important that you undrestand these changes MUST BE FOR LIFE and not just a ploy to win her back into your arms. I promise if that is your intent....to change to get her back......it will not work. You will not continue to stick with your changes and she will end up leaving later. Therefore, these changes must be for YOU. You will have to prove to her that the changes are meant to stick for life b/c she will be very leary at first, so don't get discourged and think it is not working. It must work for YOU if nothing more. You are the one to live with yourself and you want to be the best you that is possible.
Oh, I must go for now but I'll be back. Have a good day.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That clean smell on men works for women! Add their favorite cologne and it will hit her "senses"--even if she never says a word. 
