Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Day 10 and more oddities.

Just as I'm going to bed last night at 11pm, the boys call. I can only assume that the main purpose was for XW to confirm what time exactly I was picking the boys up tonight as that was the first thing out of S11's mouth.

He sounded really upbeat to talk on the phone for once, kind of strange, but once again I could hear XW in the background 'coaching' the conversation "ask your father 'this', tell your father 'that'". And both boys said "mom wants to talk to you when I'm done", but my cell phone battery cut out. I called back on the land line that I guess she didn't have yet, and since I was in a good mood to hear from the boys and upbeat, that must of threw her off guard as she answered but didn't know what to say it seemed and put the boys back on.

So, maybe your right MsM. Maybe she's has hit rock bottom, but I've been there and have no desire to go back. As I've said, it is her turn to live life wondering "what if?", I was relinquished of that duty 10 days ago. Would I jump at the chance to R? At this moment, no. At his moment in time, I do carry a chip on shoulder in her regard that I would like to get rid of, but I'm just not sure how.

And then again, is it all just another game? Let's see, I've been releaved and on the upbeat side that the D was finally over instead of depressed and in turmoil as she was probably expecting. I'm doing my darndest to get past this adn pyut a positive outlook on the life ahead of me, instead of dwelling the past as she was probably expecting.

One thing from our conversation the other day that really got under skin it seemed, the upcoming 4th of July. We had our routine, the local parade, a party in the park with friends family and neighbors, and as many fireworks shows as can be. And it just so happens to be her favorite holiday. Well, this year marks the one year anniversary that Xw ditched me all day long after not coming home 2 days prior and sat with OM all day long. Thus, this year, as I told her as I have them for the 4th this year, in response to asking what time I will meet them at the parade, I will not be there, nor will they, this is a new life for me and them through all this and time for new traditions. She did not like that at all.

I would really like to hear anyone else's interpretation of this change in behavior. As MsM said, maybe she's at the bottom, and if I get too close, I know she WILL suck me down with her. No way. But then again, I'm accustomed to nothing but lies. However, this marks the first time since the 'New Years Episode' that she's been opein with me, lies or not. And it's the same old story, "we were so messed up, things were so broken, but I still love you, but this needs to be and I'm sorry, and I don't 'want' to be with him, but I have to", wtf?

I don't know, I just don't know what to think. I am just going to carry on and let it be. If she's serious, she'll need to convey that. However, right now, 10 days after having all of our lives delittled for the sake of her sefishness, I reserve the right to be quietly bitter.