I think eventually the LBS has to just say what is on their mind. A while back I told my H that I simply had no respect for him and he was not the person I thought he was. I told him that I didnt think he was a good person or a bad person, that wasnt for me to judge but what I did know for certain was he wasnt the man I thought he was.
I dont dwell on it all that much anymore but he really did convince himself that one day all this would be behind us and we could go back to being best buds. And that ideal was too far beyond my limit of what was acceptable seeing the events of the past 1.5 years.
One day I asked him if his GF would be strong and supportive enough to understand that he would be rebuilding some sort of R with me. His answer was no, she would not be. And that sort of said it all to me. Personally, I think he likes her neediness because it feeds his ego and there is no baggage with her.
But I did remind him that when he and I started dating we never had to hide anything. And no matter what happens with his GF they can always look back and remember the first 1.5 of their R happened while he was still married to me. And if he is okay with that, well, I am too but he cant get both.
Once my H saw that I was very serious and dedicated to my own counseling he really did step back because I think he realized (or convinced himself) he could never "catch up". And honestly, at this point I doubt he could. But I wont be forced to share his vision of all things being "black and white" when the world and most R's are filled with shades of gray.
He can stick to his cliches for the rest of his life if that is what gets him through the day. And for a long time I bought into them but I dont want a life or R based on cliches and what one thinks a M should be (no work, no problems). And maybe he will be one of the lucky ones that will have a M like that one day. If so, then great. But I tend to lean towards the side of reality that any long term R will require work. And the work doesnt have to be all bad or hard or unpleasant. We arent digging ditches here. But *some* work has to be involved or else you just drift through the M year after year without really finding or experiencing everything a good, solid and healthy M has to offer. JMO of course.
