Oh boy. I posted a little while back that my wife and I were reconciled and continuing on making our marriage work. I have recently found out that all she was doing was forcing herself to try and be happy thinking it might "stick" and she would be ok. It was her last ditch effort. It didn't work. After a few weeks, she didn't regain any feelings for me, and just wants to go on living together for the kids. She is discontinuing seeing a therapist, and has taken herself off of anti-depressants prescribed to her by her doctor. There is little left that I can do. This weekend, I plan on giving her an ultimatum of sorts. Either she continues with therapy, and agrees to a Retrouvaille weekend, and she tells her father who lives in an apartment in our house what is going on, or I will have to consider separation. I don't want this, but I don't know what else to do. I can't live in limbo until my 3 year old turns 18. I still love my wife very much, and will tell her that, but I also need to be healthy and eventually happy. This is NOT going to be easy, but I think I can handle it. I plan on coming back often to this board as time goes on for more support. I still have hope for my marriage, it is still the most important thing for me to get it fixed, but I have to start thinking about myself for a change. Thanks for reading this. I will update as time goes on in this new phase I am in continues on.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Hi Lucky, You were the first person I thought of when I posted this before. Her attentions are directed elsewhere. She is involved with a high school friend (man) who is making a Hollywood movie and wants her to work in production. So she is out with him and other people from the production company every Sunday night. I am 99.9% sure there is nothing else between them, just an old friendship. During the week she goes out with old girlfriends from her old job one night, and most Friday nights goes out with her brother, who she is trying to get a girlfriend for (his wife, my wife's close friend, died 2 years ago at 42). She is on her cellphone texting often, but not obsessively, with the guy from the movie deal, and she updates facebook a lot, mostly just putting up new pics of our boys. We don't go out anymore, she told me it wouldn't work, so why bother. I joined a gym, and am trying to do things by myself. Unfortunately, most of my friends are "our" friends, so meeting friends for a beer or something is difficult right now. Thank you for responding. I am sad to be back here, but glad to hear from you.
Rich
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Her attentions are directed elsewhere. She is involved with a high school friend (man) who is making a Hollywood movie and wants her to work in production. So she is out with him and other people from the production company every Sunday night. . . . She is on her cellphone texting often, but not obsessively, with the guy from the movie deal, and she updates facebook a lot, mostly just putting up new pics of our boys.
Well, there's your problem, Rich. It sounds like an EA to me, and it would explain her keeping you at arm's length.
I wouldn't be so sure about that "99.9%" figure. I think you may be being naive there.
I'm glad Puppy is here for you, Rich. Please listen to his very realistic view on how much more there is to an EA. I also hope that Coach and Greek work with you, too. They are a husband and wife on this board - a success story - and they are very good at illuminating the unique perspectives of the LBS and WAW. Dburt and so many others are of great help, too.
Don't allow yourself to be blinded by what you wish was the truth. Living in the dark is not going to help you now. Time to face reality, decide what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage, and draw clear boundaries.
You are a fine man and deserve much respect. I am praying for you and your W.
I don't know what to say. It never even occurred to me that there could be an EA. I just know that he is married with a family, and in the past my wife has said that there was no way anything could have ever happened between the two of them because she wasn't really attracted to him. I am trying to be realistic, but I really don't think thats a problem. She has repeatedly explained to me that she is not interested in a relationship at all right now, and feels like she needs to be alone. I believe this because even when things were good between us, she always maintained that she would be fine if she was alone. If there is an EA, that will change things a bit for me. If there was a PA, that might be a deal breaker. I went through a divorce after wife's PA before after trying to work it out, I am not going through that pain again. Either way, my heart is being torn out, and it sucks.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
If there is an EA, that will change things a bit for me. If there was a PA, that might be a deal breaker. I went through a divorce after wife's PA before after trying to work it out, I am not going through that pain again.
If that's the case, then I suggest you find out (independently -- she will lie to you, if she is) and then figure out what you want to do. I'm not trying to alarm you, but everything that she has said about the matter is pure "script".
I agree that you need to put the focus on yourself and your child. If an EA/PA is going on there really isnt much you can do about it and IMO anything you do try and do to stop it will only push your W right in to the arms of the OM.
Your W sounds very much like my H - he expected old feelings to return in a matter of weeks in some sort of magic way and it just doesnt work that way. The rebuilding process is slow and nothing will change overnight.
I am not a big fan of ultimatums because rarely do they go the way you want them to and if you do issue one, be very prepared to get the answer you DONT want to hear.
Both parties need to be on board to rebuild a marriage and if your W does return to counseling or attend a weekend seminar with you it has to be out of desire, not guilt or obligation. And truthfully, if there is another person involved nothing can be rebuilt until that person is totally removed.
That being said there is nothing wrong with your stance of an affair of any sort being a dealbreaker. There is nothing wrong with saying you are done and ready to proceed to the next step of ending your M in a legal way. Just be sure if you say that you mean it because once its out there you cant take it back.
You sound angry, hurt and very emotionally which is okay. Feel what you have to feel but IMO I would wait at least a week before you make any further decisions or deliver any ultimatums. If you still feel that way in a week, well, then perhaps your feelings werent being fueled so much by emotion but with actual desire.
Living in limbo can be a real kicker and sometimes I think we just want a way out. And there is nothing wrong with that. I just offered you my opinion because in the past I had a terrible habbit of making decisions and reacting on emotion in an immediate fashion and it never turned out good.
The thing is, you cant control what your W does, how she acts or what she thinks. What you *can* control is how you react to it. It took me close to a year to really grasp that concept (yeah, I am slow, lol!).
You sound angry, hurt and very emotionally which is okay. Feel what you have to feel but IMO I would wait at least a week before you make any further decisions or deliver any ultimatums. If you still feel that way in a week, well, then perhaps your feelings werent being fueled so much by emotion but with actual desire.
That is great advice, right there. Don't do anything while your emotions are running wild, and ESPECIALLY if you should find out something further that upsets you. There's nothing that has to be done right now.
A lot of us here can relate to that bs. He's just a friend. Right. I got that too. Mine also went as far as saying "oh no. he thinks of me more as a little sister.." To the point when I evetually stopped believing her lies I said I didn't know your boyfriend was into incest.
I agree w both CG n P. Don't do anything until you find out more and can do it w/o as much emotion involved.
