Jumping in (1st post)

[Gardener]

Aaarrgghh!
It all comes together in my head and my heart, when I read, post and plan. So why does it (sometimes? Usually?) not come together in real time?

W came over this morning w/dog. Chatted w/DIL (and me, kinda) in kitchen while I made my breakfast. She appears fine w/dil, but I sense uncomfortable, awkward, artficial-ness when she talks to me. She went out to garden to cut flowers while I ate. Then I joined her. A few words about state of garden after yesterday's downpour, then:
W: So how are you?
M: I'm good! How are you doing?
W: I'm fine.
M: What's new?
W: Nothing. Have you given any thought about the mediator?
M: Actually, I haven't thought about it at all. (I haven't except when I would realize she hasn't brought it up once since last MC 6 weeks ago).
W: Well, would you? I'd like to get started.
M: I'll give it some thought.

I should mention here that shortly after she moved out she said she never wants to live in our house again regardless of our outcome. Two months ago she said she would like to live in it one more time before we sell it (tentative selling=next spring) and I asked her what arrangement she foresaw living here? She said Alone (you move out), Together as housemates, or...Together.
I let it go. After last MC at which time I said "I'll move out only when it's sold", and she asked me to reconsider, I did just that (hey, I am a reasonable man) and informed her (via email) I changed my mind and she could move back in when her lease is up in December, I'll move. The next time I saw her, she was sincerely grateful and not in a "Yes! I won! sense," but a "Really? You sure? Thank you," sense. I meant it in a generous, no ulterior motive way. It wasn't until afterward I thought, "good, I bought what I needed: time, I forestalled the (pre-db) inevitable until December - Spring." I ended the email by asking her to consider not doing anything re:mediator/divorce for a while, explaining, "...not in the hopes that you'll change your mind, just in an exhausted, drained 'not now...just not now' sense."

I should also mention that I think I'm totally against the whole Mediator route since I've been told that in Connecticut, depite the term, Mediator, a mediator represents the party that contacts/contracts with them and the other party needs to get a lawyer to represent them in the process. Besides, we already agreed that there is probably nothing we will disagree on dividing.

Anyway...I feel like I struck out in real time. Goals (mine/DB/TLR/Telecoach):

Always agree: Didn't say "Mediator? Sure! Get it going!" How, how, how does one say/agree to something one would never agree to short of being at gunpoint?

Don't oppose/don't refute: Well, I managed that one, I guess.

Be expressive: Telecoach says I come across monotone, flat (I do). I'm sure I did post-mediator.

Act happy: I'm sure I looked stunned when she said it.

Act confident: Ditto

Show her something different. Make her pause and wonder... Feel like I showed her an uncharacteristic deer-in-the-headlights look. Different, but not good

Every interaction is a chance to demonstrate change and 180s. Not so good this morning

Validate/acknowledge: Did I say, "You're saying you're still thinking of contacting a mediator and want to know if I've considered it?" Nope.

Act like her friend: Not after the Mediator question. I reflexed into monotone matter-of-fact (which she has said she over-interprets as cold, withdrawn, controlling).

Mirror her feelings : She seemed uncomfortable. I didn't validate/explore.

And on and on.
I dunno, I give myself a B+ pre mediator interaction in house, a D post-mediator in garden. Emotions, abandonment, "Danger! Danger! DB isn't working! Abort! Abort!"

And why do I lately think she wants me to say something? Is that my old knee-jerk pleading trying to resurface. Wanting to say, "Let's work on this," "I need more time; don't you need more time?" "I love you" again (I love saying I love you to her). But, no, I won't say that again unless it's someday in response to her saying it again. And saying something, discussing R is not good right now. Still, lately, I think she wants me to say something, or am I just getting Hollywood-happy-endingish?

Wait, I just had a thought while previewing this post: Maybe I'm misinterpreting. Maybe she doesn't want me to say something, maybe she's trying to trigger the pleading/negative/me to show herself that "He'll never change"

You know how some of us early post-bomb plead, "Throw me a bone...give me some hope, here"?
Well, I only said that once. Then I decided to find it. Something. Each month, Though it went south after after a couple of months. Here's what I grasped at/lived on: *

December: "Come back to me, Gardener." Even though she had left, I knew what she meant. Felt good.

January: Holding my hands, looking deep in my eyes: "I love you, Gardener, you." Ditto above.

February: "Be my hero, Gardener" Didn't ask her exactly what she meant by that until 6 weeks later and all she offered was, "Oh, that. Be strong, be more positive."

March: "I still need us, Gardener"

April, she wanted one month of no contact. We agreed in MC office. Then, Bomb 2: What the Hell happened in April?( I suspect her Find-your-own-voice, make-your-own-life IC).

**End of April: "I may not be re-entering our marriage, you know."

**May 13: I want a D

* Ladies, please help me out, here. Need Women's POV/Take
** Triple Dog Dare Ditto on this sudden turnaround!

Her Birthday's tomorrow. Mailed a card: "W, Happy Birthday! Always, Gardener"
Every year for 18 years I woke her up on her birthday rocking her while singing the entire Beatles' Birthday. I bet/hope she's gonna miss that tomorrow morning. I will.