Honestly, I'm closer and closer to just wanting no contact...I don't know, it is sad. I mean the clearer I get, the more compassion I have and the more I just feel sorry for him.
That is exactly how I feel and how I have felt for a very long time. For close to a year I was so angry at my H the rage was almost impossible to articulate. It wasnt so much the rage that he just got up and left one day, it was what he did after he left.
Eventually though I started to feel very sorry for him. Not in a pity type way but I felt deep compassion for him. His entire life (post bomb) was based on cliches, lies and using another person to heal and find happiness. And to this day I really dont think he has found that happiness although some of his needs are being filled (his ego, sexual needs and so on). But the deep friendship and bond he and I shared is not present with OW even after 1.5 years.
I also feel deep compassion for him because in his mind he had created such a fantasy about how things would go with our divorce and our post divorce R and now that his fantasy is crushed I do think he is feeling things he never expected to feel. And I dont mean about us getting "back together" but I do think he is realizing what a terrible loss he has experienced.
I do get sad sometimes and heck, sometimes even a bit lonely even though my life is pretty full. The rage is gone but I do feel deep compassion for him. He has been floating around for the past 1.5 years from place to place, has not established any roots for himself and has relied on OW to "make things better". And if that works for him then great. But the messages he has sent me recently indicate otherwise.
For so long I felt so worthless. But I *do* have worth and self value and now *I* know that and really that is all that counts. At this point I also agree that no contact is best for me and maybe for you it will get you to the next point.
