Mindblank #4 - Can I borrow some meds?

[mindfull]

COACH:

This was incredibly hard. This list could be 10x the size of it now. F*ck.

I feel rejection when my H comes to bed, and turns over to go to sleep w/out a kiss, a hug, or anything else.

I feel rejection when my H doesn’t greet me w/warmth (upon return from out of town), as he does our children.

I feel rejection when my H doesn’t pay ANY compliments to me (physically). (He used to.)

I feel rejection when my H forwards emails of a semi-sexual nature to others, when he shows no interest in anything of a sexual nature at home.

I feel rejection when my H makes excuses to not do something alone with me.

I feel rejection when my H “gives up” on our common friends. It makes me feel like he’s rejecting our marital history.

I feel rejection every time I change in my bathroom, knowing it’s awkward now to change in front of him.

I feel rejection every time I remember it’s been two years since he told me he has no desire for me.

I feel rejection when my H looks at me w/those blank eyes.

I feel rejection every day he continues to work out of town, and not hire someone to do his job, because he’s rejecting being at home with us.

I feel rejection every time one of my friends makes a joke about their H’s and their “annoying” over-abundant sexual desire.

I feel rejection is the core of my being right now.

[Kalni]

I feel rejection when my H comes to bed, and turns over to go to sleep w/out a kiss, a hug, or anything else.And when I hug him he pats my back almost like he would pat a dog

I feel rejection when my H doesn’t greet me w/warmth (upon return from out of town), as he does our children.But approaches me carefully and tunrs his face so that we kiss on the cheek.

I feel rejection when my H doesn’t pay ANY compliments to me (physically). (He used to.)When I get all dressed up and my 7yr old asks him "doesnt mom look pretty?" and he nods his head without looking at me

I feel rejection when my H forwards emails of a semi-sexual nature to others, when he shows no interest in anything of a sexual nature at home.I dont think he has any sexual desire in general. If he does, it's not around me.


I feel rejection when my H makes excuses to not do something alone with me.
And avoids every attempt or suggestion I make to spend time alone WITHOUT the kids.

I feel rejection when my H “gives up” on our common friends. It makes me feel like he’s rejecting our marital history. My H doesnt do that. But he does comment on how happy 2 particular couples are, always with a way that means "they were lucky" while I am thinking "stupid, our happiness is RIGHT HERE, work with me!!!!"

I feel rejection every time I change in my bathroom, knowing it’s awkward now to change in front of him. Although we dont live together, I do change in front of him. And his face shows me he couldnt care less

I feel rejection every time I remember it’s been two years since he told me he has no desire for me. He just told me the other night, "that's the way I am, sex doesnt mean much to me"

I feel rejection when my H looks at me w/those blank eyes. Not anymore. The eyes were blank. Now they are the eyes of my... brother.

I feel rejection every day he continues to work out of town, and not hire someone to do his job, because he’s rejecting being at home with us.
Everytime he says he cant "try" for us because of time because of his 18 hrs days and he wont change that because he needs the money to feel safe.H etold me his work makes him feel he is good at something. My reply was, he was and can be good as my husband, as a father if he chooses to. That he is precious to me an dour kids and that is not connected to how much money he makes. It seemed to help. He started IC and stopped after 3-4 sesions when she requested everyday actions from him. I am sorry for him

I feel rejection every time one of my friends makes a joke about their H’s and their “annoying” over-abundant sexual desire. For years I thought their H's had one track minds. I know now, they are just normal men that desire their wives -insert light bulb-

I feel rejection is the core of my being right now.
I dont allow that. What he does, doesnt define me. I struggle with it, to stay differentiated (as in Passionate Marriage). It's very important to me. If I lose that, I will be lost. Mindblank, try to separate what he does and how it makes you feel, from who you are and what you feel about yourself. They dont define us.In my case, my H is a lost little man,that cant even define himself, his needs, dream, enjoy life. Why on earth should I let HIM define my value, what I am worth? There are moments of weakness, reminding me of the bomb era when I stay away thinking "is this what I deserve?". You know what? That's bullshit. I deserve a normal, -and boring- loving, sensual, fullfilling life. And that's what I will have. One way or another. I am not settling.

K

[ernest88]

ahhhhh...I see some simialarities between my sitch..Kalni's and MB's....

I call all that "playing nice"...when Kim checked out she showed the same characteristics...and she never ever even showed a hint of ever coming back..

[mindfull]

Woke up, eyes swollen... that was hard.

Now, after reading Kalni's comments (sob), and Mike's reply, I think I want to hurl, too... (Note to self, stop projecting Mike's outcome onto my own!(

Ugh!

Gee, now I have to go to the dentist to get a chipped tooth fixed, and to the hospital to support my Dad's by-pass surgery. The day can only get better!

[AJM]

MB, now that you've taken the trip through the low points, have you looked to see what your current positives are? It may be time for you to look at your positive points in your life and to see what and who you are. What is it that will make YOU happy? I think you should make a similar list to what you wrote for Coach - I am happy when_____________

MB I feel for you. I really do. And Kalni. I can't fathom that concept of no sexual desire. It has never been a thought that entered my head. As a matter of fact... Never mind that.

What I'm saying is that is not normal behavior that you'll see from all men. You know that. So make the positives list and see where your positives are. Keep balanced and know what it is that you want from life, from yourself, and from relationships both from friends but also from lovers (may as well throw that in there, right?)

Oh, and you don't have to allow your Daughter's friends to connect with you on FB. You can have your own you know...

AJ

[ernest88]

Now, after reading Kalni's comments (sob), and Mike's reply, I think I want to hurl, too... (Note to self, stop projecting Mike's outcome onto my own!(

LOL..hurl??? Mike's doing pretty frickin good...got a woman who loves me, a daughter who loves me, a son who loves me..good friends in RL and good friends here...I'm a happy boy...I'm better off without Kim and her low life mommy dragging me down...

I took responsibility for my part of the failure..Kim never did and she never will...when I see her she looks pretty sad actually...while I have a smile on my face...

see...this is all about you anyway....it's preparing you for the best or the worst possible outcome..

and you'll be awesome either way...

[Sam1007]

Kalni,

That was an inspiring post to me! Thanks for putting that down in words so well. Your last paragraph is also where I want to be and I am getting very close. But I still have these moments of weakness, anger and frustration, sometimes because of something W did, sometimes because of remembering the past. I do have a lot to be happy about though, I am making new friends, taking time for myself, doing what I like.

I don't know too much about Mike and Kalni's background (will read up on that tho soon!), but from what I have seen so far here, our 4 sitches are very similar. In my case it seems to me like W is content the way things are going right now, married to work, resisting thinking and doing work on herself to make herself happy. It's evasive behavior and they (WAS's) will realize it one way or another, sooner or later. I remain convinced that if they do the work and make themselves happy, they will be able to have a happy M with us (LBS's'). I hope I will have the strength to hold on until that happens....

[mindfull]

Kalni...

I just read your post, through the light of the am.

Your last paragraph is a goal of mine. Your description of your H is identical to mine. I see your points, and pray for the direction you have given, and your ability to "get there."

Thanks for sharing such personal "stuff." I appreciate it.

[mindfull]

AJ -

This is kind of funny. When I see your "name," I think VOICE OF REASON... and sure enough, you delivered this am.

I will work on the next exercise in I am happy when _______. Promise!!

I know about the friend thing on Facebook. I have always required having her password, control of her password, and have monitored it. The friends of D18 just wouldn't understand if I didn't include them in my network of friends there. They think I/we think they're "the bomb," and would probably all need AD's if they found out they weren't included! LOL

[mindfull]

Mike... Bad choice of words, w/no back-up explanation...

Hurl=reaction to fear=similar situations=WTF am I doing?

My D18's Dad and I D'd when she was 2. He was a raging alcoholic. I was very young, and got out quick. Her entire life we dealt with him mis-treating her, her visitation schedule, her fearful of going there, attorney's sucking the life out of our cash reserves, and FAILING to make things better (legally). THAT is where the fear comes from.

Plus, my boys adore their Dad, as do I and D18. Fear comes from not having him, my boys not having him as present as he is now. I can't do it to them. D18 will always have a R with him, as they'll handle it amongst themselves.

I would be shattered, but would eventually heal, I guess. I will not shatter my little boys' lives by delivering news like this, a new lifestyle like this, etc... They saw what their sister went through. They saw our pain.

That's where the hurl comes from. The reality that he might never show a desire to look back.