It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, cire2, for your sharing your insight and support with me! And yes, I am a habitual worry wart and am a pro at what I call "future f*cking". My Dad used to tell me to plan for tomorrow but live for today. I have tried to do that, but the last couple years have challenged me in ways I never expected. I know I've grown a lot, but I do still get into these mental grooves that are very hard to snap out of sometimes.

Anyway......current status in brief: didn't sleep last night as I knew I wouldn't. Started day planning to call lawyer and tell her to file for D and ask for dream property. Spoke to H several times over course of day (both him calling and me calling). Calm discussions at some points intersperced with some very heated altercations.

In the end, what it came down to for me is that I have never in the 28 years I have been with my H did anything to knowingly hurt him. I have hurt him I know of course, but never knowingly. And I do not want to start now. That is not who I want to be. Through my whole sitch I have tried very hard to "take the high road" and follow my own moral compass regardless of any hurt I have felt. I have not spied on him, or harassed him. I have on occaision had emotional meltdowns like last night and this morning, but even then, I always come back to the bottom line that I want to do what is right and keep to my own values. I have never wanted to be vindictive or greedy, and it's not about trying to win H back, but because of the person I want to be, and I want my children to see.

So, after everything, in the end I called H back and told him that I have never knowingly hurt him and never will. I told him that my part in getting that dream property was a gift of love, and I would not fight him on that any more. My love for him was without limits. I won't go in to everything else. But that is the basic gist. I'm stepping back, letting him go. He thanked me for the call and said he didn't know what else to say. He said he would call me in a few days and I asked him not to, but to respect my space and e-mail me if needed.

Some here may worry about whether I am "knuckling under" to him and have concern about protecting myself. I won't go in to all the other details, but suffice to say that I have a good lawyer and I will do the best I can and then hope that H lives up to what he has said he will do (it's a complicated mess with the bankruptcy that I could never explain on this board). If H lives up to what he says he will do, I should come out of this very well financially. If not, I am really no worse off than I am now if I were to file for D now and chose to make it a battle. It does require a certain leap of faith, but it is what it is.

So, I have lived and acted by my principles, loved him unconditionally to the best of my ability, and set him free. It hurts.....but I am OK. I will make it through this.

And VH (if you're reading this), if you haven't been snapped up by some lucky lady by the time I'm ready to venture out into the "dating arena", I'm gonna fly down there and take you out myself, sweetie!!! Consider yourself warned!!