I hope I'm not wearing out my welcome, but I did want to reply to your question about the possiblitity of your W being in an EA.
Quote:
If she is having an EA, why on earth would she want to stay married to me?
It is rather hard to explain but I do want you to try to understand that it is not that simple. You remember you saying how unhappy you have been the past ten years and I asked you if you were into porn b/c you were on the computer so much? Well, she isn't into porn but she may be into OM. Maybe that is some type of an equilvalent to porn for males, I don't really know, but I went there myself and I can tell you it is a horrible rollercoaster to get on. The more you can lean about women and EA's the better you will be equipped to deal with this personal stitch b/c it will certainly include you all the way! If......and I do mean "if" she is having an EA, that is exactly what it says....an "emotional" affair. She has made an emotional attachment with another man who is not her H. Her H is the man "who" she should have an emotional attachment with--and him only--as far as the sexual part is concerned.....and it will turn sexual if she's in an EA. It may never get to a PA, but sex will be involved. It starts out as fun "flirtation" but then it grows more intense. That is why she may be getting more attention from more than one man at this time b/c it is still in the flirting stages.
I think you may have referred to something along the lines of being emotionally divorced. Well, that is why she's in the shape she is right now. For a woman (and I can speak for them since I qualify... ;)) we must have that emotionally MR with out H or we will either eventually find somebody else to fill that void--or we will choose to be completely lonely for the rest of our lives. If a W has any life left in her, then she more than likely will meet somebody who is more than willing to show her the attention she craves. Most females crave attention from males. In my "narrow mind" (as society may see it), I think that if womem feel that they are receiving the attention they crave from their H, then they won't go looking to other men for that (if they are normal) but that is my own moral thinking about it. The same is true for men. If they do not receive from their W what they need emotionally and physically they are very suseptive for a fall. It is called being a human being and we are are "capable" of falling. I did not EVER in a million years believe I, Sandi, would do such God-awful, disgusting string of behaviors that I ended up displaying. It is so embarrasing! You have no idea how hard it has been to forgive myself and coming to this board week after week has helped me to do that. Sometimes, I still have the guilt to spring up and it just about drowns me, but I know that is not getting me forward with my MR--and for that sake if nothing else, I must get past what I did and learn from it and maybe be able to help somebody else.
Quote:
Trust is the most important thing in any relationship IMO.
My H and I had a lot of communication problems and we were different on various levels but we did have complete "trust" in each other. I use to say that if something happened that he died before me that I would never live with another man b/c I would never totally trust him like I did my H. Well, guess who broke that cherished trust? I did and it almost destroyed my H. If he had not been the man he is and able to forgive me, we would never have been able to heal over that terrible ordeal.
When a person was exposed as a child to what you were, it certainly is basis for having the feelings you do about cheating spouses. I felt that way and my parents never cheated on each other! But look what I ended up doing! So, you see, it goes beyound just wanting to fool around or cheat on a spouse. It rarely has to do with the fact she doesn't want to continue to be M to you and decides to run away. However.....and this is most important......it can lead to that type of thinking very quickly for her. That is why you need to be sure you handle this the correct way, okay? Let's say she is headed for an EA or maybe already there. The reasons are obvious to me, but I don't know if they are you. It is a "result" of her unhappiness. She feels desparate and is reaching out for understand and probably a lot of ego food. That is what I need b/c I felt like I was going through something similar to a MLC but some say it wasn't that, but whatever it was.....my spirit was starved for ego food. I felt that I was losing my youth, good looks, and sex appeal......and needed to be reassured that I still had all of that. When you and your S have not slept together in years, that is a sure fire way of losing those feelings. That is why I am concerned about your W.....even though you said the sex had been pretty good until lately. It is all about the emotions. It is an affair of the heart and she will try to convince herself that she is in love with OM so it will not make her feel like a wh*re and the totally bad guy in this stitch. She will point fingers at you and try to justify her reasons for the EA. None of it will, but she will give it a good shot.
I think the first visalbe signs of a W in an EA is when she loses interest in spending time with her H and kids. She no longer cares about making a "home" and she just goes there to hang out and find ways to contact OM. I hope these are women friends that she is talking to, but there is a good chance some are men and I don't want to make you freak out, but in the beginning......I had more than one man. It was later that I dropped the other men when my H discovered my Internet activity and confronted me and demanded I delete those contacts. I did.....except for one. I hung on to him and b/c of things escalating between me and H, it drew me and OM closer together. I was in a bad place and other man took advantage and I was fooled by his silver talk and fell for everythig he told me. I had no idea.....no information....never read anything about the false chemicals that flood the brain of the woman and feels like that new "in love" good feelings--and she thinks she's really falling in love with this jerk! She is delussional and it will all come crashing down.....in time. The point is how "much" time will it take? Nobdy knows b/c it varries. Each stitch is different. Also, it depends on whether she is in MLC or if she has symptoms of a WAW. I think your wife is showing early signs of a WAW but she probably is not in MLC at this age.....but don't know that positively. I thought I was but others did b/c of my age. I've read people who thought their S was going through MLC at 20 something, and I'd think.....WHAT?
It's almost midnight and I'm tired so I'll check back tomorrow and try to pick this up where I left off.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
