Help! Want direct feedback from walk away wive/s

[BigJohn]

John,

I would strongly advise you not to help her with anything, unless it's for the children. You are only enabling her cake-eating behavior, and she's basically flaunting this right to your face and likely losing respect for you DAILY.

I forget: who pays for her cellphone?

Puppy

P.S. Have you read the book "NOT Just Friends" yet? If not, it's THE book on emotional affairs, and you might want to leave it laying out somewhere for her to find it. She may not be genuine in her thoughts that OM is not affecting her, but if she DOES want to learn more about it, this would be the book to help.

The project in question involves potential litigation related to my wife's wrongful termination- this was the event that initially led to the eventual opportunity to connect with scumbag OM. Too much time on her hands, emotionally vulnerable, etc. I have friends who do some related work in the family law arena who have suggested supporting/assisting my wife in this particular venture given the circumstances. Their thinking is that working together on a project that led to serious injustice for my wife might make a positive difference for our relationship and possibly help open the door to some reconciliation. It's tough, because I understand what everyone is saying about helping her, and certainly to possibly have the results of my time/talents used against me makes me sick. But there is nothing to say for certain that she wouldn't use the money instead to pay down the family debt instead of using it for herself.

It's tough, I just don't know where she is in her thinking. The other day during our R talk, she shared with me a list that she had made for herself entitled "What do I want?" that listed about 6-8 attributes. None of the attributes she listed appeared unreasonable to me. She stated that these were attributes that I either hadn't demonstrated in some time or hardly at all ever. She stated that it was her belief that I either did not possess these attributes and/or did not have the ability to acquire them. (BTW the OM was never brought up in the discussion.) I pretty much kept quiet and allowed her to talk. I appreciated the moment for what it was- her opening up to me honestly like that. I had been asking her since the EA was first discovered for specific feedback on what "needs" she needed filled and she had pushed back on me until now. I don't know what significance to place on this interaction, but it seemed genuine and from the heart. I should also mention that right before sharing her list with me, I had told her (truthfully)that I was focusing a lot of effort in letting go of the anger and resentment that had accumulated inside of me during the course of the EA. I explained that aside from the benefits to me, I wanted to create a safe emotional environment for her to open up to me about our relationship. Apparently it worked and she shared her list with me.

Something else that happened later that same evening. As she was going to bed, I made a comment about something she has been doing for the majority of the EA- always sleeping with her back to me in bed, facing my side of the bed only when I wasn't in bed and always having her back to me when we have talked in bed. I asked her "Hey what's up with that? She replied "you ought to know, your the body language expert" (She's right, I do know what it means.) I don't recall exactly what I said next, but when I came to bed, there she was, asleep facing my side of the bed. Interestingly enough, since then she has been mostly sleeping either facing my side of the bed or on her back. Don't know if that means anything or not.

BTW, one thing that I did not do while she was sharing her list with me was to suggest her going to our therapist (by herself) and sharing the list with her. (I have been going alone to the therapist myself for the last 1 1/2 months.) Any thoughts on this?

Regarding "NOT just friends", yes Puppy, I got the book and am currently reading it. Don't know about sharing with my W though.

Regarding the cell phone, yes, it is still active and we/I are paying the bill. A big part of the reason it's still on is because I have (admittedly) some control issues- and right now it's not a battle I want to fight right now.

I know. Maybe I should change my name to Big Softie.