Oh one thing I forgot to mention was that she always had this fear of me leaving her or cheating on her. I think because of what happened with the dad.
After the bomb, I asked her if she expected me to cheat on her at some point or for me to be unfaithful and she said yes.
To this day she hasn't admitted to or apologized for the A. She's even denied it to me saying that it wasn't an A because when they kissed in his office, the door would be open. WHAT?!
I don't there was sex, but the emotions were definitely there. No kids, so all the attention was on her. Prior to that I had tried to get her out more often or have her try different things together and apart, but she wanted to spend all the time with just the kids.
Uh...this is tough...the ONLY thing that got me out of my H is the enemy funk was H leaving. NOW, my sitch is different. And, I never crossed the lines your W did.
I think there are issues that kicked in for BOTH of you when the first baby was born...kind of Freudian and you can explore what came up for you if it serves you.
She clearly felt safer devoting herself to the babies. Now, at first that is normal but when you started complaining and with her insecurities and inner-abandoned child screaming "he's gonna leave, take care of the babies, screw him." I am right now recognizing how that happened in my M. I felt threatened when I couldn't deliver for H and I went into protection mode. It is so counter-productive and sad to see we fell into that pattern over and over. When I saw that he was disgruntled and unsatisfied (and he had a very juvenile way of showing it), instead of diligently trying to tend to that, I withdrew...better to focus on what I can do well. Obviously this was not conscious. It is just looking back RIGHT now that I see it clearly.
SO, the good news is there are things you can do. Can you find the things she is doing right and acknowledge them? You have to decide if this is worth it to you. She needs to wake the f up and see her part and she may not want to until you are gone (if ever)...It is sad and scary but at some point, I think you are going to get fed up and lay it out on the line with her.
I am thinking about how this would manifest but you've got some steps between now and then anyway.
I mean really. "W. Do you want me to leave you? Because that is not what I want. You have been such a wonderful wife in x,y and z ways...you are so capable of x. I have always loved Zing with you...even now, when you y, I see the potential for us to have a wonderful marriage."
I believe you have to be ready to let her go at that point (the old facing the D but keeping hope)...and then, IMO, you can say it. "You were left as a child, I get that. You had fear that I would leave you. I've never even considered leaving you." I don't know Stuck, some day you're gonna just say what you really think with love and clarity.
