GETTING UN'STUCK'

[25yearsmlc]

I'm going to go out on a limb here. I relate a lot to your W in some ways more than others. Hang in here with me...I'm hoping I can help.

We were going out for 11 years before we got M. We broke up 4 times during that period with each of us taking turns at being the one to call it off. But we always got back together because indirectly we changed into what the other person wanted while we were apart. The longest break-up was for 2 months and even though she called it and told me we were through, etc. she wanted to get back together again after she found out I had a new GF.

Well, there's a clue.

I would say our R was pretty good when we first M up until we had our first child. We did everything together, talked, went out, had a great sex life. Then when our first D was born, my W insisted on her sleeping in our bedroom with us. She started getting into the habit of revolving her life around our D so that she even slept when our D did (around 7:00pm) so we never had time together. We did the date nights here and there, but overall they weren't all that frequent. This cut down our intimacy quite a bit and needless to say I began feeling resentful and sometimes held it against her. I would ask her if she wanted to go out with friends, but she preferred to stay home, so I would go out myself with her blessing. It was during this period when my D was about 1 y.o. that my W told me that she could see herself as a single mom. I was shocked, so I asked her why? She said she didn't know, but could picture it. Then she got quiet after that.

Ok, the baby in the bed is only a problem IMO if you don't find other ways to connect and be intimate. Life revolving around a new baby is so common (and necessary to a degree)...it is sad that it elicits such feelings of resentment for Hs and in turn polarizes the couple even more. The first year after baby is born can be a huge adjustment and especially with breast-feeding (thus drastically reduced sexual desire), many marriages suffer. Most people are not prepared.

When you're giving life and limb to take care of baby, it is aggravating to have H complaining about not getting enough attention. I was there. In retrospect, I understand my H's feelings but in it, it just came off as juvenile and self-centered...why couldn't he just co-parent and delay gratification for a while like I was. Her isolation was likely what made her envision herself as a single parent. Maybe it would be easier and more gratifying to fulfill baby's needs alone since she didn't know how to fulfill yours AND, your wanting more from her felt like a burden. I am not saying this is reasonable but I am just pointing out that you became adversaries (you already had a history of that with the break-ups).

Now,
Things got better, then when my D was 2, I left for a 10 day trip to Asia with a few friends that she didn't want to go on. During that time she said she didn't miss me one bit. I think it's because her mom and her sister were with her the whole time and she really missed their company when we got married. She brought up this point that she didn't "miss" me when she dropped the bomb.

You were still more of drain to her than a partner. The negatives were outweighing the positives.

Backtracking a bit. Her dad left her mom when she was 6, so the three of them fended for themselves and the mom didn't go out with anyone until my W was in college. So that's why she's so close to them. I think she's modeling herself after her mom even though I never left her.

I agree.

Anyway, fast forward to about 2 years ago. Things were going well for us and we tried for a few months to get pregnant again and she did with our second D. After our D was born, my W was at risk of losing her job as a nurse. Her boss at the time (OM) would aggressively try to save her position and at this point started buying my W all these gifts. I could tell she loved the attention and would keep talking about him and his accomplishments. I asked her if these gifts were appropriate, and she just said that he's a very generous man.

Be honest, how well was "well?" Was it really working? Or was it just better in relation to the other rough times?

Did she struggle at all with leaving her kids to go back to work?

When our second D turned 1, he was the only person she invited to the birthday as a guest. She told me he would always flirt with the other nurses and he enjoys calling them "sweetheart" or "honey". Kind of a flirtatious old man.

Weird, wrong, in so many ways.

Shortly after that, her grandmother died. She was very close to her.

Did that provoke any major changes?

After our kids were born, I gave up going out quite a bit. Stayed home to help clean, cook, etc. Was successful at my job as a Creative Director and had a thriving side business. After our second daughter was born, our sex life dwindled again which started the resentment all over again. I would get upset and say something nasty and she'd shoot back but we always apologized after.

Yep, sounds familiar. I'm not trying to be snide but did you not anticipate your sex life dwindling after second baby? Given the first experience?

Regardless, this dynamic stinks. I lived it. It sucks when your spouse wanting sex with you feels like one more thing you've got to get done and a burden. I was there and I felt like cr*p about myself and H.

One thing to note about that was we fell into a pattern of getting angry, then apologizing after and I would start EXPECTING an apology from her. She told me that we kept repeating that pattern and she was sick of it. That part I've changed.

I can relate.

My W did admit to me that she has always had low self-esteem. Although she's never done anything about it. I've been her only BF and the only R that she has experienced. So sometimes I wonder if that's why she does have alot of "I wonder" thoughts about other guys.

I think that you are right and since it has been a rough long road, her imagination carries her away.

I pretty much agree with 90% of what AK said. As a mom I DID resent the fact that h wanted to ML when "someone"...oh, wait, I mean ME, was up all night and oh btw, I WORKED FULL TIME TOO and even when I didn't work full time, the hours and physical demands of pregnancy and childbirth and then recovering from those HUGE events WHILE also caring for a newborn...um, yeah it's annoying to have someone else there and not helping as much as possible, let alone making more demands. My h was pretty good about that, truth be told.

But my little brother and his w were expecting their first and my sisters and I all warned him not to be self centered or judge anything about the M the first 6 months of a new baby's life in their family....But he was a fool and whined after about 2 weeks of the baby's existence and continued to whine and wanted to walk out the door the FIRST month of his kids' life until I and my 3 sisters & 5 brothers all did "some 'splainin' to him. Then his w's mother came to help and my brother said he felt "left out"...

Yes of course he would feel "left out" b/c his concerns were all about himself and having to cook dinner for himself (I know, yet we are related by blood)..and he made demands on his wife, who was a brand new mom herself and did very little to support the efforts she was making. Yeah, you can lead a horse to water....

And When HER mom came out to help, and was useful and made no requests of her daughter, she and SIL bonded more and brother was adrift. I hope he wakes up. So, some of what you said hit home a heard of both sides having hormone changes but can only speak of my own). I'd say not to judge your m by how it goes when you have a baby, for several months at least. Don't overlook the physical effects of it all and the sleep deprivation. And when a man sees a baby as competition, it is a big turn off. So if OM came to the brithday party and did not act as if it was a contest between him and the kids, but rather "joined in her concerns for the kids' welfare" he's going to look good to her if you are acting like she has to choose between the kids and you. She should not have to do that. But you can't share a marriage bed with a kid either, or if you do, then as AK says, "make other arrangements" and you know stk, you could rent a hotel room and hire a sitter...?? maybe when you get a chance...

I read somewhere that the lowest amount of ML frequency in most m's, is after the birth of the 2nd child. That's a pretty well known stat and couples report their lowest "marital happiness" from an intimacy standpoint, at that time.

So A lot of what your wife felt was normal, imho. Her bonding with her mom and sister was related to many things but that includes the fact that they did not burden her. Sorry...but can you see how that might have looked to her?

On all the other issues, I'll have to ponder more before commenting. I recognize some of the behaviors and wonder what would happen if you acted as if or went dark...I do wonder. Does she like her mom's life now?

Off I go, to ponder...
j-